Revelations

I was reading a friend's blog and it made me realize a lot of things about my own weight-loss journey.

For one, it made me finally answer a question I've been asking myself over the past few months: if I was skinny for 18 years THEN gained (a whole 'nother body worth of) weight, why was I not a skinny person trapped in a fat person's body? Why now after losing the weight do I still feel like a fat girl? Her story helped me to understand why: because I don't have negative memories of being skinny. I mean, the jokes (twiggy, Annie, short for Anorexic, etc) didn't hurt my feelings. But I will never forget things people said or did while I was overweight. The story about her ex-boyfriend really hit home for me, too. My ex-boyfriend just out and out told me one day that I had gained weight and I wasn't sexy anymore. It didn't hurt my feelings at the time because it pissed me off so bad. Not to mention, I didn't think I looked bad. But I have NEVER forgotten it. Nor have I forgotten how people would look at me when I got on the train and had to pick a seat, like they hoped I wouldn't sit next to them. Or how when my sisters would introduce me to people what they said, "This is my little sister, I know she don't look like it, LOL, I guess I should say my baby sister..." It would piss me off every time. They did it ALL the time, like it was a new joke each time. And all of this makes me thing of something else. Growing up, my parents were both overweight (probably obese). Affectionately, I called my mommy Fat Slobby. I have no idea what made me start calling her this, but I did, and I did so lovingly. Now, when I can't even apologize, I wonder if it hurt her feelings at all. I hope it didn't, because I honestly didn't think there was anything wrong with how she looked. And that's probably why I didn't think there was anything wrong with how I looked when I was obese. At least in my clothes, because I clearly knew there was something wrong with how I looked without clothes.

Something else I can relate to: not recognizing myself in pictures! And this to me is the hugest mind screw ever. It took pictures to show me a difference. My mind still held the size 18 image. That's what I saw when I looked in the mirror. Only in the past week have I stood in the mirror and REALLY looked and figured out, I'm NOT a size 18. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has problems seeing myself at the new weight. One thing's for sure, though, I'm not nervous about wearing clothes that fit anymore! No way! I want them to fit!

Constantly learning and growing through this process.