Monday, May 14, 2007

I'm starting to like this

Well, don't like it too much...

Quotes from one of my favorite movies, Love Jones. But it's true; I'm starting to like this. I'm getting used to my new body. I realize that I'm not BIG anymore. I still think I'm "fat" because I'm not toned. But I'm not hugemungous anymore. I actually feel thin. Yeah, I still wanna get into better shape, but I'm starting to like my newness. I'm realizing some things are just different. I plan to ask my manfriend if there is a difference in the sex (positions, feel, energy, anything). Why? Because I feel sexier. And this is weird because I've gained about 2-4lbs since coming off of FS (I had a mini-binge, but I'm back on task). Yet I still feel sexier. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I'm starting to run? Maybe I feel better about myself because I'm doing better for myself? I dunno. All I know is, I feel like I look good!!! I feel my size. I feel more confident. I don't feel as self-conscious. I don't feel bad about myself, physically. I notice that I catch my reflexion in the mirror a lot more. Now, I've always loved the mirror, don't get me wrong, but there's something different about it now. Before I looked with curiosity, now I look forward to seeing my reflection because I know what I'm going to see, and I know I'm going to like it.

Other things I've noticed - my underwear, way too big!! I haven't been paying too much attention to it, but some I won't even be able to keep as period pannies; they are just too big! When I park too close to the pump at the gas station and my car door hits that little, short, cement pole, I used to couldn't (horrible grammar) fit out the door. Yesterday it happened, and I mumbled, I'm not gonna fit, and I slipped right through!!!!! I couldn't believe it!!! It used to be so embarrassing to have to get back in my car and move it up a little bit just to be able to open the door enough to get out. NO MORE!!!

And I still can't believe I wear a size Medium top. And these size 12 pants are fitting. Not tight at all. Lightweight loose. STILL!!! It's not a joke or a mirage or anything like that! IT'S REAL!!! And I did it!!! AH!!! What a feeling of accomplishment. I'M NEVER GOING BACK!!! I know you should never say never, but I'm saying it! NEVER!!!! I'm enjoying this TOO much to go back to fat, depressed, feeling unsexy and unpretty, self-conscious all the time, drowning my sorrows in food. I didn't even like that life. I like this life! And I'm gonna keep it! Hell, I'm training to run a marathon!!! I mean, I'm running!!! I never thought I'd be able to run for 3 minutes straight and I'm doing it!!! I'm surprising myself in so many new and different ways. I'm showing Me what We can do!

I'm loving it!!!


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