Update

I haven't weighed myself in I don't know how long, so I have no idea what the scale says. I'm not worried because I FEEL thinner. And I'm keeping up with my measurements. That will have to do for now.

Bootcamp for Brides, Stability Ball, and Pilates - I haven't been doing any of that. As far as the Pilates, I think I would rather take a class because it seems you need to know proper positions and all that. If I'm going to do it, I want to do it right. I'm trying to alleviate pain, not create new ones, y'know? I have an exercise video (from the library, of course) for the Stability Ball, so I'm going to give that a try. And of course I'm still walking.

Haven't been writing down what I eat this past week, but I'm going to get back on the ball. I need to start planning AND recording my meals. Keeps me on track.

More milestones!!!

Can you even BELIEVE it?! Ok, so first, I went out the other night and since it's gotten chilly, I put on my boots. Y'all, I zipped them up my calf with NO PROBLEM!!! I didn't have to hold them together or nothin'!!! They just zipped right up! I took my boot off and measured my calf: I've lost an inch off my calf! It is soooooo hard for me to lose inches off of my calves and check it out!!! A whole inch! For like two years it was 16 inches and now it's only 15!!! WOOWHOOOOOO!!!

Ok, so remember the GAP jeans I got from the thrift store earlier in the spring/summer? Size 14 GAP jeans that I was supposed to be able to fit by July? Well, in July they fit, but not WELL, y'know what I'm sayin'? I couldn't quite get them over my butt (and I don't even have a regular blackgirl butt). I thought maybe they were irregularly made (hence how they ended up at the thrift store BRAND NEW) and would never fit properly. So anyway, I have been walking more regularly (as I committed to do in my last post). This month is the first time I actually exercised while on my period (GO ME!!). I walked today, took my shower, and tried to find something to wear. My wardrobe has totally diminished due to my clothes being too big and me not having money to get new clothes that fit. So I decide to try on my GAP jeans (my size 14 GAP jeans) to see how far I have to go before I could wear them. THEY FIT!!! THEY FIT!!! THEY FIT!!!! I have them on right now!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I am NEVER EVER EVER EVER going back!!!! This feels TOO damn good!!!!!

How's THAT for motivation?

:)

MILESTONE!!!!!

OK, so I've been slacking on my walks. I only walked twice last week. There were a few days I still had over 10K steps, but not because of exercise, just walked a lot. I did go walking yesterday, but only for 45 minutes instead of my usual 60+. Anyway, I needed something to get me in gear so I went to try on clothes at the regular people's stores. Yesterday, I went to NY&CO. I can fit THEIR 14's!!!!!!! Well, not the jeans. But the dress pants. And I tried on tops and a skirt that were size LARGE and they fit FINE!!!!! I couldn't believe it! I expected them to be too small to motivate me to get that X from in front of my size. And here it is they fit just fine. I WEAR A LARGE!!!!! I WEAR A LARGE!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Excited is SUCH an understatement!!!!!

:-D

I'll make SURE I keep walking and whatnot because I am NOT going back into Lane Bryant, Ashley Stewart, OR the Avenue!!!! NO MORE PLUS SIZE STORES FOR THIS REAL WOMAN!!!! WooWhoooooooo!!!!!!!

What's this all about anyway?

It dawned on me that I am going to be sharing all types of stuff in here. I realize I started this blog to document my weight-loss journey and feelings. But what I know is that my compulsive eating is driven by something deeper and I have a feeling that a lot of my mental and emotional issues coupled with my financial issues and economic background have an impact on my eating habits. So I'm going to talk about EVERYTHING up in here. And I promise, once I figure out how to explain the whole agoraphobia thing, I will. It's a panic disorder, from what I understand. And although I suffer from depression, I do have some anxiety issues, as well.

Basically, I'm learning a lot about myself. It's exciting and scary all at once. But I'll tell you what. Once I set my appointment to return to therapy and could see a light at the end of the tunnel, the compulsive eating stopped. Now I'm at the other end of the spectrum: barely eating. I forget. If I'm not damn near starving, I forget I have to eat. So I have to make an effort to eat throughout the day. Not so easy, but I'm getting used to it.

I have a really good feeling about ALL of this. I feel like I'm on my way to healing and it feels sooooo good!!!

Why am I excited about exercising today? :)

It's been a long time

Too long, really. Well, I kinda fell off the bandwagon. My last post I think I said I was at 205lbs. Even falling off the bandwagon, I've lost 1lb and 1 inch. I'm at 204 last I weighed and I'm back on the bandwagon. I write down what I eat, and in my head, I count my points, but I'm not so focused on that anymore. I'm more focused on making sure I eat healthy foods and exercise. Once I'm REALLY back on track, I will do better at watching portions and weighing and all that. Right now, it's one step at a time.

So what happened? Where have I been? I had a slight "breakdown." As I've mentioned, I suffer from depression. The month of July I just crashed. Didn't go to work. Didn't answer my phone. Didn't leave my apartment (except to go to the store or the library). I visited three friends, too. But that's it. I talked to my best friend, but that was it. I began to have suicide-related thoughts. Not of actually killing myself, but of things like the difference between veins and arteries and why do people sit in the bathtub when they slit their wrists; shit like that. My best friend called my therapist to let her know what was going on since I'd also isolated from her and skipped my last two appointments. I finally got in to see her and she thinks I may also suffer from agoraphobia. So I went to the library and got all kinds of books on that, too. She might be on to something. I feel like I'm finally understanding what I've been going through. I still don't know how to explain it fully, but it helps to know that I'm not alone. I just wish in all the years of therapy I've been in (13yrs), someone would've brought this up. But the books I'm reading say that it's often overlooked, so I guess it's normal, whatever that means.

So I'm taking things one day at a time. During that month I was isolated in my apartment (housebound as the books say), I ate all KINDS of stuff. Forget counting points. Breyer's pints were on sale, 10 for $10. I probably ate about 5 pints of ice cream last month. That's about how much ice cream I normally eat in a year. Seriously. I wonder if I will eat any more ice cream this year? I should be all ice creamed out.

Even during all of my compulsive eating, I knew I'd be back on the bandwagon sooner or later, I just hoped it was sooner. I just didn't have the motivation to do ANYTHING. I walked a couple of times. Literally, like maybe twice in a month. I've already walked twice this week. I've gotten more books from the library. I'd gotten one for my linesister who's getting married next year called Bootcamp360 for Brides. I flipped thru it and it motivated me a lot!!! I looked at the exercise plan and it was all doable from home using a stability ball, resistance bands, and free weights. I have all that stuff at home!!! I'd stopped using the stability ball because I couldn't figure out how to balance on it. So I decided to go BACK to the library and get books on the ball. I'm SO glad I did!! I didn't know that part of the work-out was balancing on the ball!!! It strengthens your core muscles, just like belly dancing! So now that I understand it, I'm going to try it again. I haven't been to belly dancing class, and won't be back for two weeks (I'm broke), so this will keep all those little muscles working. Anyway, in reading about the swiss ball, I also read about Pilates. Now, this was something I thought was an exercise fad like yoga taebo. I had no idea the history that surrounded it. I didn't know that it was originally designed as physical therapy. This got me to thinking about my back and knee pain and maybe I should give it a try. So I went BACK to the library and got some books on Pilates. I was so interested I went to the library again TODAY (lol, it IS my favorite place) and got some DVDs: a couple Pilates, Billy Blanks Bootcamp, and West African Dance. My sands asked me yesterday what I was going to do when it snowed as far as my walking was concerned. At first I was like, oh I'll just go to the indoor track, which is my plan for inclement weather. Then I remembered the Brides' Bootcamp. The exercise plan is similar to any other that I've done, alternating between aerobic exercise and strength & flexibility. But she also said to alternate what KIND of aerobic exercise you do so that you don't get bored. I never get bored walking, so at first I ignored that. But when I thought about spending gas to go to the indoor track, I was like, hmmm, no. I can get exercise DVDs. If I like them enough after I try them out from the library, then I'll buy them. If not, I'll keep getting different ones from the library each week. I can do the DVDs as soon as I get home from work and not have to worry about waking up EVERY morning.

I'm excited. I feel good about myself. I haven't given up. I haven't settled. And you know what else?? I'M COMFORTABLE IN MY BODY!!!! Finally!!! I actually cleared out EVERYTHING larger than a 14 from my closet. Well, not totally true. I had a couple sundresses altered that I'm keeping and I also have two jean skirts that are a 16 - they're only a little too big. Everything else is moved out! I'm giving it all to my best friend. Some stuff she'll be able to fit now and some stuff she can keep as goal clothes. At first I was concerned because my wardrobe has now been halved (is that a word). But I would much rather re-wear and re-wear outfits than to wear too big clothes for the sake of having a bigger wardrobe. And I actually think I look nice. And it only took a month, LOL!

So I have to think of new goals. I'm already coming up with a plan. I'm planning my meals and my exercises. I'm going to practice Pilates and that Ball. I'm looking forward to trimming down by building muscle. And I'm REALLY looking forward to ridding myself of the back pain; I really have a feeling that this is going to help.

I feel good about myself. And I know that exercising these past couple of days is helping with that. I am visualizing my goal. I WILL get to my goal weight!!!!

Oh - TOPS... I'm broke right now and have to wait.

So that's all!!!

So long WW...

Hellooooooooooo TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly)!! Ok, let me start at the beginning.

A few weeks ago in our WW meeting, the leader was reading Empowering Beliefs. One of them was that this is easier than most things we've done. I looked around and everyone nodded. I raised my hand and said for me it was just the opposite - it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I told her I felt like an alcoholic, but instead, food was my drug. I want y'all to know that NO ONE ELSE said anything. Everyone acted like this was easy as pie for them. Then someone said, "Well I think it's easy to follow the program." Yeah, but how easy was it to DECIDE to FOLLOW the program? It's easy to count points, but it's not easy to always stick to the plan. It was then that I realized I was sitting in a room full of people who didn't know what to do or say, simply looked toward the leader for guidance. That is NOT my idea of a support group. I felt like everyone in the room was a bunch of fakers. I mean, seriously, if it's so damn easy, WHY are you HERE??? You wouldn't even BE fat if it was so damn easy. Man, GTFOOHWDBS. That was the first time I left a WW meeting feeling a little empty.

The next day, I told my boss about it and told her how I felt like I was in the Stepford WW Club. I mentioned TOPS and she said her grandmother and aunt were members for years. I've been to the website (www.tops.org) and read all about it. Since it's a nonprofit, it's WAY cheaper than WW, only $24 per year. I decided to go to a meeting to see if I liked it.

I LOVED IT!!!! The women were SO nice. I'm definitely the youngest person there, lol, but that's not much different from WW. I was also the only Black woman. This little older lady (who I think will be my favorite) was telling me about the group (she has two daughters who come as well) and mentioned that there were a couple other African-American girls, too. I chuckled to myself, but I was glad she wanted to make me feel comfortable and welcome. The chapter has dues, also, only $2 per month. So I'm basically looking at $48 a year. And they have conferences and stuff. They have contests and stuff. Like they are having a summer contest where they are paired up and whichever team loses the most wins (I forget what). Then they have an Angel of the month which is whoever loses the most that month and then at the end of the year they have a Queen (or a king, but they're are only 2 men in the group). AND they bring low-fat snacks!!! Fruit, pretzels, rice cakes, coffee. It was the most bizarre experience, being at a weight-loss meeting eating snacks! And these women are losing! You get a diet and goal weight (or range, I guess) from a doctor (she said have him/her write it on a prescription pad). So everyone is doing something different, but they are SO supportive of each other. I got to meet a couple people who'd met their goals and are now KOPS (Keeping...). They tease each other and seem like a little family. When I left, they all said they hoped to see me back, and they will.

I look at it like this: I already have all the tools I need from WW. Why keep paying $12 a week when I'm not getting what I need? I went for 12 weeks, so that's $144. $144. And I'm 12lbs down. I paid $12 for every pound I lost. Was it worth it? Hmm, I think so, I mean, it is what it is. WW works, so I'm glad I got all the tools from the 12 weeks I went. But I'm not shellin' out any more money to them. I was gonna keep goin' until I got my 10% keychain, but damn all that. Next Monday, I'm paying my TOPS membership! :)

Oh yeah, I weighed in last night. I even had on a denim skirt (I didn't go home and change). Even in the heavy clothing, I've lost 1lb since Thursday!!!! YAY!!! I *might* go to WW tomorrow for the last time. Maybe. I probably won't, lol.

So that was my TOPS experience. What y'all think?

The damage

Ok, so I weighed in and it wasn't as bad as I thought. I'm up 3.8. So I'm back at 206.2, where I was in week 7. That's cool, though. I'm still not giving up. I keep visualizing my goal. I still FEEL thinner. And I still fit my smaller clothes, so I'm not harping on the numbers. They'll go back down; as long as those inches don't go up! I'm just in a much better mood today. I'm looking forward to walking later. I have a new book on CD, Stephen King's The Colorado Kid. It sounds like it might be CSI-ish, so I'm hoping I like it. It doesn't sound like classic Stephen King, though. Neither was Cell; I took that back to the library after the first disc. I have been listening to Everything's Eventual at home. The first time I've ever listened to an audio book at home. Nice to fall asleep to, actually. WHY am I rambling on and on about audio books? The next one I'ma get is The Devil Wears Prada.

Have a good weekend, y'all! I know I will!! :)

Trying to stay UP

Ok, I have so much to say. First things first, last week, I gained 2.4lbs. I stayed within my points, BUT I didn't exercise at all. That really put me in the ground, though. I wanted to binge SO badly and didn't and I STILL gained. No matter, right? WRONG!!! It has been downhill ever since! *sigh* I don't celebrate the 4th of July, so that wasn't it. I don't have any EXCUSES. I did what I did and then didn't go weigh in yesterday. Slept right thru it. I almost decided THE HELL WITH IT. But then I remembered, no matter WHAT, I can't quit. And I remembered that this isn't the first time this has happened. I can lose the weight. Only by saying TO HELL WITH IT will I gain EVERYTHING back and end up fatter and unhappy and even more unmotivated and even more lazy with even more contempt for exercise. So today, I'm back on plan. I guess. Lemme tell y'all what I ate over the last five days.

It all started with making sure I had easy foods to eat while I braided my hair. Friday night I went out and didn't braid ANY of my hair. Instead, I was at the bar and drank two vodka & cranberries. Then I also had 1/2 of a beer. I don't even drink beer. It was a long night. Driving home Saturday morning, I stopped at McDonald's and got a Steak, Egg, & Cheese bagel, hashbrown, and orange juice.

So I went to the grocery store on Saturday and spent $50. I got plenty of fruit and some microwave stuff:

• Apples, peaches, nectarines, plums, watermelon, and bananas
• Morningstar Buffalo nuggets
• Morningstar Chik'n nuggets
• Lean Cuisine Steak Panini
• Lean Cuisine mushroom pizza
  

On Saturday night, I wanted some sancks. So I went to Kroger and got a bag of Baked Cheetos and a box of Chips Ahoy 100 Calorie Snack Packs. By Sunday, everything was gone, EXCEPT the fruit. Well, not totally true; I ate the watermelon. So I went to Kroger and got a box of Ginger Snaps and a pint of Butter Pecan Ice Cream. On Monday, still in binge mode, I go to the Chinese buffet. I didn't eat as much as I could've, but I did some damage. By Tuesday everything (except the fruit) was all gone. So I went to Papa John's and got a large chicken fajita pizza and an order of cheese sticks. I ate all of the cheese sticks and 6 slices of the pizza (pan crust) over two days. Somewhere in there, I also ate some cereal and some fruit.

Totally lost control. And now I have to go weigh-in today. I don't want to, but I HAVE to because NO MATTER WHAT, I CAN'T QUIT. After I weigh in, I'll come and post where I'm at.

Here's the thing. I think I self-sabotage or something. I mean, I was SO close to ONEderland. So close, and now look at me. But it's cool, I'm not totally discouraged. I got another book on CD from the library and I'm going to start using it tomorrow. My belly dancing class is tonight. I don't wanna go. I'm on my period and I'm crampy and I'm in a bad mood and I don't wanna go. But I'm gonna go ahead and go. Because last month I said NO MATTER WHAT, I'm going to exercise even while on my period. Normally, it puts me DOWN, but this month, I'm going to master it. It already made me totally overeat, I can't let it make me not exercise, too.

I've got to get back on track. I just felf fat and ugly this weekend. I don't know what happened. :( One day I'm all happy about my weight loss and the next day, I just feel fat. WTF? I was supposed to go to a party Sunday night. I got dressed, put on my make-up, cute shoes, everything. Instead of feeling cute, I felt fat and not attractive. So what did I do? Changed into sweats and a tshirt, and went and got Ginger Snaps and ice cream. Ate half of it that night and finished it off Monday morning.

So that's my binge. I feel shitty about the whole thing. But it is what it is, right?

Today is a whole new day. Whole new day...

Oh yeah

The Crystal Phillips Book is called The Me I Knew I Could Be (One woman's journey from 292 pounds to peace, happiness, and healthy living).

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0312252269/sr=8-2/qid=1150827365/ref=pd_bbs_2/002-8757616-6852805?%5Fencoding=UTF8

GREAT book!!

I SAW MY COLLAR BONE TODAY!!!

Ok, so on Friday me and my coworkers all went bowling and we took lots of pictures. Well, my boss showed us the pics today and guess what?! I CAN SEE MY COLLAR BONE!!! I was SO excited!!! I hadn't even noticed that I normally couldn't see it until I actually SAW it! I have nothing else to say. I'm just super excited about ALL of this!!!!

THANK YOU WW!!!

It's a great day!!!

Ok, so even after yesterday's blog, I had some issues this morning. Oh, I have so much to say, lol. Bookmark the Crystal Phillips book. Ok, so this morning. I was getting dressed and put on my denim shorts. My OLD denim shorts. They're a size 20. I tried to talk myself into wearing them. But they were hanging off of me and I could see my underwear. It's too hot to wear jeans. So I had to put on my new shorts. They're a size 16 (much to my dismay, but I guess some stuff is cut differently), but they fit really well. After I put them on, I wanted to put on a big tshirt that would hang off of me, too. I literally had to talk to myself, aloud, to make sure I put on something flattering to my new figure. So I put on a new tank top. I look cute, but it took a lot to get out of the door this morning. But I did it. And . . .

I've gotten compliments all day and it's barely 11:30AM!! :-D The first came as I was dropping off clothes and books at the thrift store. One of the guys that unloaded my car tried to hit on me! I wasn't interested, but it made me feel good and not uncomfortable! Then when I got to work one of my coworkers told me that she noticed I'd lost weight and that I looked nice in my summer clothes! I'm so glad I decided to step outside of my comfort zone and wear them! She said she'd been noticing but wasn't sure how to compliment me on it. And here it was I thought no one was noticing. But then again, how could they when I was hiding it in my clothes?!

I'm ecstatic!!! :-D I can't stop looking at my chair now that I can see the sides! THIS IS A GREAT FEELING!!! I'm sticking to something I started and I'm seeing progress!!! I'M PROUD OF MYSELF!!!

Time for another reward!!!

:-D

What I need to work on

Ok, so now it's time to get grounded. Yeah, three posts in one day. Only slightly obsessed.

Ok, I'm not eating well, I'm eating empty nutrients. I need to eat more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. So what I'm going to try to do this week is eat only Core foods. I'm still going to use my points, because I'm sure I'd misjudge portion sizes. But someone said in the Serious WW group that it would be a good way to make sure that I'm not just staying in my points, but that I'm eating the RIGHT foods. Well, she wasn't talking to me, but her advice applies to me all the same. So that's the plan. We'll see how it goes.

I need to add in resistance exercises (weight training). I've been doing a little bit, but not consistently and not enough. So I need to work on adding that and to start, I'm going to shoot for twice a week.

I need to consistently do my ab exercises. Especially my obliques. I can't complain about a fat belly and fat rolls if I don't put muscle in that area instead.

I need to drink more water. Period.

I need to walk more. Right now, I'm only walking 2-3 days a week for an hour each time. I need to get up to 4-5 times a week, then 6 times a week.

Ok, so if I keep doing what I've been doing and work on these things, too, I should see some better results. We'll see.

I can SEE the changes!

Ok, I need to document the changes that I'm noticing.

1. I can see my waist. I mean, there is a clear indentation around my midsection. I HAVE A WAIST!!!!
2. I have no problem touching my toes.
3. When I sit in my office chair, with my knees together, I can see some of the chair!!!
4. I can cross my legs at the knees with no effort. I don't have to lift or pull or push, just cross. :)
5. Mobility during intimate acts is much better! I can be lifted and moved!!!

I'm so excited!!! It really is the little things. I can't stop smiling. And this actually makes me WANT to exercise. Who knew I'd ever get to this point? I definitely didn't, but I'm SO glad I'm here!

Insecurities??? Who left the gate open???

Ok, I need to talk about this and get it out of my system. I am not working hard to lose this weight only to hide my progress. So lemme just put some stuff out there.

I am 32 years old. I am a size 14. The last time I was a size 14 I was 18 years old. I think I'm pretty. I think I'm sexy, too. I LOVE to get compliments and I LOVE to take pictures! This sounds like the making of someone who'd be overjoyed with her new size and ability to fit into new clothes. Well, I am, when I'm in the comfort of my own apartment. I LOVE to try on the clothes I got at the thrift store. I love marveling how they simply fit. But the thought of wearing them out of the house terrifies me. I did it this week, though. I wore my capris the other day, mostly because I need to do laundry. But I realized that I did feel comfortable and I got compliments, so I must not have been looking crazy.

That's the first insecurity: do I really look good in this size or am I delusional because I want so badly to look good in this size? Now, the reason I know it's an insecurity is because I HAVE a mirror. I know I look fine in this stuff. But still, I obsess about it. Especially the miniskirt. Now, I have a size 16 miniskirt that I have no problem wearing. I've never had a problem wearing short skirts because even fat, I have nice legs! So WHY am I nervous about this new size 14 miniskirt???

You know what I think? I think it's because I feel like I'll attract more attention since I'm smaller. And more attention makes me nervous. It makes absolutely no sense. I'm single. I WANT to attract the attention of men. I need my ego stroked just like anyone else. Yet and still, this is kinda unchartered territory for me.

I'm stuck in some sick middle. I've lost 46lbs from my largest weight (247). I still have 46lbs to go until I'm at a healthy weight (155). So I am LITERALLY in the middle. Yes, I've lost a considerable amount of weight. BUT, I still have considerably more to lose. I guess it's hard for me to totally embrace the weight-loss because I'm still constantly thinking about how much more I have to lose. And not in an overwhelming sense, just a reminding sense.

So I guess that makes me second-guess how I look. It's such a conundrum for me. On the one hand, I feel like I look GREAT compared to how I used to look. And I'm EXCITED about how much I've lost and the changes I see (which I'll point out in the next post). However, I don't think I look great without doing a comparison. If I just look at myself, and forget what I USED to look like, I'm not at all happy with what I see. So it's hard for me to reconcile these two. Love the loss, but clearly cognizant that I have just as much to go as I've already lost.

So this weekend, I'm donning the miniskirt! I don't know where I'm going, but it'll be in that skirt!!! I'm gonna get outta this habit of trying to hide my body. I've been wearing loose fitting clothes for so long, I'm tired of hiding!!! Each time I find myself trying to hide the new me, I'm going to force myself to reveal her! And I can always remember, this new me is only temporary, but for now, I LOVE HER!!!!!

YAY!!! YAY!!! YAY!!!

So tonight was WI night and I lost 7.2lbs!!!!!!! Ok, when my leader asked what I did, I wasn't completely truthful. Yes, I walked this week. Yes, I stayed within my points. No, I did NOT wear jeans this week. But the truth is there were some days I didn't eat all of my points. Not on purpose (I only skip meals when I'm broke), but because I was doing a lot of running around and didn't take food with me. Instead of eating something that I don't know the point value, I'd rather just not eat until the next day. Also, I was on my period last week, so I'm sure I was retaining a lot of water.

WHATEVER the reason, I'm happy as HAYLE with the loss!!!!!!! My weight is now 201lbs!!!! I'm only 1.1lb away from ONEderland!! I'm SO excited!!! I can't WAIT until my weight doesn't start with the number 2! Can.not.wait!!! I'm at a total loss of 17.2lbs!!! I was so happy to get my third 5pt gold star! WW is just damn awesome!!! It works!

I found a new park to walk at! It's close to home and it has some hills so it gives me a good workout. I'm almost done with another book; I only have two cd's left, so that means two days. Then I'll start The Cell by Stephen King.

I'm just so happy I don't know what to do!!! I can't celebrate like I want to because this check all goes to bills. But still, I'm so proud of me!!!!!!! I'm proud of me for sticking to this!!! I'm proud that I haven't given up! I'm getting used to my new body! I'm getting more comfortable with the compliments that I get! This week, I wore my new capris and was comfortable in them!!! I didn't feel self-conscious at all!!! I am comfortably, completely and totally, in a size 14. Now, my 14Longs from the GAP still don't fit the way I want them to. Maybe in four more weeks, we'll see. But everything else from the thrift store fits fine! I guess stuff didn't fit the week I bought it because that was the week before my period. I've learned that I must carry the most water and be the most bloated that week. I also noticed that that is the week that I binge the most. So this coming month, I'm going to make sure that I have meals planned for the week before my period and the week of. I'm also going to force myself to walk even on those days. My period usually puts me DOWN, but I'm determined not to let the cramps and discomfort keep me from my daily activity.

I guess that's all I need to say. The truth is I could go on for days about my excitement. Maybe I'll blog more tomorrow!

Was 247, Now 201 and I won't stop, I can't stop!!!!!!!

Whew...

It's still a Zero. I did gain 2lbs, though. I honestly don't feel so bad about it. And I'm not sure why. My clothes still feel looser. I still FEEL thinner. And I STILL have no desire to go back to where I was. So I know I'm not giving up, and maybe that's why I don't feel so bad. I had a bad week, but that's in the past, so I'm not going to dwell on it. I'm going to continue to focus on staying on plan and continuing to exercise.

Tonight I'm going to look thru my journal and figure out when I binge the most. I'm thinking it's the week before my period, but I'm going to check and see. I also don't like exercising when I'm on my period. I have to get out of that, but I don't even want to MOVE let alone exercise. I've got to get better on that front.

I wore jeans to my WI last night cuz I didn't stop at home. Normally I wear sweats or something like that. I guess jeans are pretty heavy because ALL three of the receptionists (including my leader) commented on the fact that I was wearing jeans. So from now on, I'm going to wear the same thing each week. Maybe a lot of my gain was because I'm bloated as all get out and I had on jeans. Oh, and the fact that I didn't stay on plan last week? Keep it real, Monique. At any rate, I hope the scale goes back down next week.

Emailed a lady about racewalking. Hopefully I'll hear from her soon. I've never been a competitive athelete, and I don't know that I want to compete. I probably won't, but I DO want to use it to intensify my workouts. We'll see.

It's so weird. I am feeling gross and fat and bloated, BUT I still felt thinner this morning. So I decided to try on my goal-jeans that I got at the thrift store last week. Maybe I'm much more bloated the week before my period than when I'm actually on. I dunno. The fact that I've just now started paying attention to this is tripped out. So much so I'm not even gon' focus on it. Anyway, I tried on the jeans, and they fit better than they did last week. I am convinced: periods are evil. I'm not going to have to wait until fall to wear those jeans. My goal? July 12th. That is a little more than a month from now. The jeans are from the GAP, a size 14 tall. And it trips me out that 14s at other stores are smaller than 14s at LB or AS. WTF is that about? You get all excited that you can fit a 14, you go to Lerners to try on 14s over there, and they don't fit. Only to have a sales rep say, "You do know we carry 16s?" If I wanted to wear a 16, I'd go back to Lane Bryant, thank you very much. Ugh. It made me remember why I didn't shop at the GAP when I COULD fit their clothes. They are not made for my body. I don't know if they'll ever fit quite right, but I know that by next month, I'ma be sportin' them jeans! I know that! :)

I cannot believe that I gained TWO pounds and I'm still on some diet high.

Weird-O.

Weigh-In Night

And I am not looking forward to it. I've gone over my points EVERY day this week. Each and every single one. I have only walked three times (twice in one day). I didn't get up this morning to walk. Too tired. Crampy, just all around irritable. Which is MORE the reason I shoulda got my ass up and went walkin'. Now it's raining. I am SO sick of rain. So I guess after my meeting tonight, I'll go to the rec and walk on the indoor track. Which I hate. Time flies faster when I walk outside. Goin' around that track just draaaaaaags out the time. BUT, I might be able to work on my speed there since there are no hills. I wanted to do this entry to make myself feel good in case I gained this week. So let's see...

I have not given up. I still walk. I still keep my food journals. I actually cooked more than once this week. I bought a juicer and have made two delicious juices this week. I am researching racewalking and leaning toward taking it up. I'm still GOING to the meeting. Broke, but still going to the meeting. I'm on my period, so I'm bloated and probably retaining plenty of water because it's not like I've drank any.

Ok, no more excuses. Look tomorrow for a report of how much I've gained. I just hope my second number is still a Zero.

More motivation: Racewalking

So I get up again this morning (and before the alarm went off, go me!!) and as soon as I turn the corner out of my complex, the batteries in my discman go out! Argh! So I did my whole walk just thinking, mostly about health and weight loss. I'm reading this book by Courtney Rubin called The Weight Loss Diaries. I'm almost done and it's a really good book! I can relate to SO much of what she says. Anyway, she trains for and runs a marathon. I would love to do something like that. I don't want to run a marathon, though. I don't like to run, never have. But I want to have a goal to all this walking besides just losing weight. Something to work towards. I was thinking this morning how to stay motivated through this because it is hard work. And I was also thinking of how to keep my pace/speed. And also at what point should I increase my pace? Should I keep pace or try to when I'm going up hills (these hills ain't no joke)? So many questions. My answer to myself this morning? "You're doin' good to be out here walkin', so stick to this for now." Which is fine and everything, but I'm not gonna get carried away! I have to walk six days a week regardless, so I might as well train for something. It will make my aerobic work-out better and I bet I'll stay more focused. So I'm going to look into Race Walking. If I'm not mistaken, one of the rec centers that I go to has a RW class so I'm gonna look into that. I hope it's free.

One of my reasons for this journey is that I want to accomplish something. I am setting a goal and I plan to reach it, no matter what. I'm going to work as hard as I can to attain my goal. It's been so long since I've done something like this for ME. I work hard for other people all the time. It's time I worked hard for ME. So this week is going to be all about juicing and walking. I'm still reading the juicing books. I'll have to see if I can find any on race walking. Lemme take a looksie at the library. :)

Perseverance

I woke up today and went walking. Yesterday, I felt horrible about not having exercised for a week. I've never actually felt bad before. I felt bad yesterday. So I got up today and did something about it.

I had a bad weekend food-wise, but it was a learning experience. I learned that I am not ready to have sweet treats in the house. Lemme tell y'all what happened. Last week I decided that it was time to learn moderation. I bought a box of Nabisco Ginger Snaps (3pts for 4 cookies) and some Breyer's Light Ice Cream Sandwiches (Skinny Cows are better). I bought this stuff on Wednesday. The Ginger Snaps were gone on Saturday, I think. The ice cream sandwiches are gone, too. I have consistently eaten over my points every day this week (my WW week runs Thur-Wed). I was out of WAP by Friday. So needless to say, I was disgusted with myself.

I kept thinking at what point one gives up on the whole eating healthy thing. I was a little resentful yesterday. I wish I could eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. And that's what I thought about all day yesterday as I snacked away mindlessly. Well, not really mindlessly, I thought about everything I put into my mouth. And I thought about how it was going to affect my weigh-in this week. But I was resentful, so I just kept eating. And then I started thinking about at what point in my diet I normally quit. I mean, in the past, at what point do I just start eating and not exercising and just not giving a damn? I didn't know and I knew it wasn't yesterday. Hell, I'm obsessed. I sat in bed yesterday and read. I went to the library and got plenty of books on juicing. I also got health and nutrition books, like food nutrition. I wanted to know which vegetables had which nutrients. That way, I'll know what to juice. I thought of all the vegetables I'd be buying that I didn't even eat. It excited me. I kept thinking of what meals I would be preparing this week and how many points they'd be. Thought about walking some more and when I was going to add weight training. Figured I should make an Excel spreadsheet to help me plan meals and exercise routines. Thought about my goal-clothes and when I'd be able to get in them.

My point? I couldn't be giving up (even though I was snacking out of control) because my mind was still on my goal. I think I am learning that it's not all or nothing. Just because I have a bad day or even a bad week does not mean that I just give up entirely. This is the first time I can actually see myself seeing this entire journey thru til the end. I don't want to get complacent. I want to be fit and healthy. I will NOT give up!!! I will keep walking. And I will not waste my time walking buy eating a whole bunch of stuff I don't need. I'm still learning. And I'm still creating habits. Right now, the habit I most need to enforce is to dust myself off and try again.

My Rewards

Well, I went thrifting yesterday!!! I probably spent way too much money, but I'm not going to focus on that. I'm going to focus on the fact that I got some clothes that fit AND . . . are you ready . . . A JUICER!!!!! For only FIVE DOLLARS!!!! How excited was I? And it works, I used it today! I can't believe I was looking to put stuff in layaway and all that and here I find a juicer that works just fine for now (it's hell to clean) for only 5 bucks. Can't beat it. AND I got an espresso/cappucino maker! For EIGHT DOLLARS! How cool?! Two day's worth of Caramel Macchiatos and I can make my own for as long as it works. I haven't tried it out yet, but I'm sure it works. I'm TOO excited!!!

So I'm all over the internet now looking at juicing recipes and stuff. I have heard over the years how people who juice are SO healthy. Well, I'm about to be one of those people. I will be getting ALL of my fruits and veggies each day, because I'm going to juice some of them! Today I juiced carrots (which I don't eat), an orange, and some pineapple. Delish! Tonight I'm going to try something with spinach, tomatoes, and watermelon! I'll get all the vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants I need!!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!