Wednesday, August 16, 2006

It's been a long time

Too long, really. Well, I kinda fell off the bandwagon. My last post I think I said I was at 205lbs. Even falling off the bandwagon, I've lost 1lb and 1 inch. I'm at 204 last I weighed and I'm back on the bandwagon. I write down what I eat, and in my head, I count my points, but I'm not so focused on that anymore. I'm more focused on making sure I eat healthy foods and exercise. Once I'm REALLY back on track, I will do better at watching portions and weighing and all that. Right now, it's one step at a time.

So what happened? Where have I been? I had a slight "breakdown." As I've mentioned, I suffer from depression. The month of July I just crashed. Didn't go to work. Didn't answer my phone. Didn't leave my apartment (except to go to the store or the library). I visited three friends, too. But that's it. I talked to my best friend, but that was it. I began to have suicide-related thoughts. Not of actually killing myself, but of things like the difference between veins and arteries and why do people sit in the bathtub when they slit their wrists; shit like that. My best friend called my therapist to let her know what was going on since I'd also isolated from her and skipped my last two appointments. I finally got in to see her and she thinks I may also suffer from agoraphobia. So I went to the library and got all kinds of books on that, too. She might be on to something. I feel like I'm finally understanding what I've been going through. I still don't know how to explain it fully, but it helps to know that I'm not alone. I just wish in all the years of therapy I've been in (13yrs), someone would've brought this up. But the books I'm reading say that it's often overlooked, so I guess it's normal, whatever that means.

So I'm taking things one day at a time. During that month I was isolated in my apartment (housebound as the books say), I ate all KINDS of stuff. Forget counting points. Breyer's pints were on sale, 10 for $10. I probably ate about 5 pints of ice cream last month. That's about how much ice cream I normally eat in a year. Seriously. I wonder if I will eat any more ice cream this year? I should be all ice creamed out.

Even during all of my compulsive eating, I knew I'd be back on the bandwagon sooner or later, I just hoped it was sooner. I just didn't have the motivation to do ANYTHING. I walked a couple of times. Literally, like maybe twice in a month. I've already walked twice this week. I've gotten more books from the library. I'd gotten one for my linesister who's getting married next year called Bootcamp360 for Brides. I flipped thru it and it motivated me a lot!!! I looked at the exercise plan and it was all doable from home using a stability ball, resistance bands, and free weights. I have all that stuff at home!!! I'd stopped using the stability ball because I couldn't figure out how to balance on it. So I decided to go BACK to the library and get books on the ball. I'm SO glad I did!! I didn't know that part of the work-out was balancing on the ball!!! It strengthens your core muscles, just like belly dancing! So now that I understand it, I'm going to try it again. I haven't been to belly dancing class, and won't be back for two weeks (I'm broke), so this will keep all those little muscles working. Anyway, in reading about the swiss ball, I also read about Pilates. Now, this was something I thought was an exercise fad like yoga taebo. I had no idea the history that surrounded it. I didn't know that it was originally designed as physical therapy. This got me to thinking about my back and knee pain and maybe I should give it a try. So I went BACK to the library and got some books on Pilates. I was so interested I went to the library again TODAY (lol, it IS my favorite place) and got some DVDs: a couple Pilates, Billy Blanks Bootcamp, and West African Dance. My sands asked me yesterday what I was going to do when it snowed as far as my walking was concerned. At first I was like, oh I'll just go to the indoor track, which is my plan for inclement weather. Then I remembered the Brides' Bootcamp. The exercise plan is similar to any other that I've done, alternating between aerobic exercise and strength & flexibility. But she also said to alternate what KIND of aerobic exercise you do so that you don't get bored. I never get bored walking, so at first I ignored that. But when I thought about spending gas to go to the indoor track, I was like, hmmm, no. I can get exercise DVDs. If I like them enough after I try them out from the library, then I'll buy them. If not, I'll keep getting different ones from the library each week. I can do the DVDs as soon as I get home from work and not have to worry about waking up EVERY morning.

I'm excited. I feel good about myself. I haven't given up. I haven't settled. And you know what else?? I'M COMFORTABLE IN MY BODY!!!! Finally!!! I actually cleared out EVERYTHING larger than a 14 from my closet. Well, not totally true. I had a couple sundresses altered that I'm keeping and I also have two jean skirts that are a 16 - they're only a little too big. Everything else is moved out! I'm giving it all to my best friend. Some stuff she'll be able to fit now and some stuff she can keep as goal clothes. At first I was concerned because my wardrobe has now been halved (is that a word). But I would much rather re-wear and re-wear outfits than to wear too big clothes for the sake of having a bigger wardrobe. And I actually think I look nice. And it only took a month, LOL!

So I have to think of new goals. I'm already coming up with a plan. I'm planning my meals and my exercises. I'm going to practice Pilates and that Ball. I'm looking forward to trimming down by building muscle. And I'm REALLY looking forward to ridding myself of the back pain; I really have a feeling that this is going to help.

I feel good about myself. And I know that exercising these past couple of days is helping with that. I am visualizing my goal. I WILL get to my goal weight!!!!

Oh - TOPS... I'm broke right now and have to wait.

So that's all!!!

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