Thursday, June 15, 2006

Insecurities??? Who left the gate open???

Ok, I need to talk about this and get it out of my system. I am not working hard to lose this weight only to hide my progress. So lemme just put some stuff out there.

I am 32 years old. I am a size 14. The last time I was a size 14 I was 18 years old. I think I'm pretty. I think I'm sexy, too. I LOVE to get compliments and I LOVE to take pictures! This sounds like the making of someone who'd be overjoyed with her new size and ability to fit into new clothes. Well, I am, when I'm in the comfort of my own apartment. I LOVE to try on the clothes I got at the thrift store. I love marveling how they simply fit. But the thought of wearing them out of the house terrifies me. I did it this week, though. I wore my capris the other day, mostly because I need to do laundry. But I realized that I did feel comfortable and I got compliments, so I must not have been looking crazy.

That's the first insecurity: do I really look good in this size or am I delusional because I want so badly to look good in this size? Now, the reason I know it's an insecurity is because I HAVE a mirror. I know I look fine in this stuff. But still, I obsess about it. Especially the miniskirt. Now, I have a size 16 miniskirt that I have no problem wearing. I've never had a problem wearing short skirts because even fat, I have nice legs! So WHY am I nervous about this new size 14 miniskirt???

You know what I think? I think it's because I feel like I'll attract more attention since I'm smaller. And more attention makes me nervous. It makes absolutely no sense. I'm single. I WANT to attract the attention of men. I need my ego stroked just like anyone else. Yet and still, this is kinda unchartered territory for me.

I'm stuck in some sick middle. I've lost 46lbs from my largest weight (247). I still have 46lbs to go until I'm at a healthy weight (155). So I am LITERALLY in the middle. Yes, I've lost a considerable amount of weight. BUT, I still have considerably more to lose. I guess it's hard for me to totally embrace the weight-loss because I'm still constantly thinking about how much more I have to lose. And not in an overwhelming sense, just a reminding sense.

So I guess that makes me second-guess how I look. It's such a conundrum for me. On the one hand, I feel like I look GREAT compared to how I used to look. And I'm EXCITED about how much I've lost and the changes I see (which I'll point out in the next post). However, I don't think I look great without doing a comparison. If I just look at myself, and forget what I USED to look like, I'm not at all happy with what I see. So it's hard for me to reconcile these two. Love the loss, but clearly cognizant that I have just as much to go as I've already lost.

So this weekend, I'm donning the miniskirt! I don't know where I'm going, but it'll be in that skirt!!! I'm gonna get outta this habit of trying to hide my body. I've been wearing loose fitting clothes for so long, I'm tired of hiding!!! Each time I find myself trying to hide the new me, I'm going to force myself to reveal her! And I can always remember, this new me is only temporary, but for now, I LOVE HER!!!!!

No comments: