Still losing!!!

I had to go out and get a scale. I won't be able to go to TOPS meetings due to a work conflict, so I need to be able to weigh myself. I was afraid to get on the scale because of the binging and whatnot. But I needn't have worried: I'm at 186lbs!!! I can't believe it, but the weight just keeps coming off. Thanks to FitDay.com, I know that I'm consistently burning more calories than I eat each day. So I guess that's why I'm still losing. Know what I thought about today? How much better would I look if I was exercising consistently? I'm losing all this weight and I still look fat and flabby. I need to really get it together. So I also got a resistance tube so I could start circuit training. I noticed in the mirror that my stomach has the two vertical lines on each side, you know, where my abs are supposed to be. I decided that I want a six-pack! And the only way to get it is to commit to being more active and doing activity that builds muscle. After all of this, I really do wanna look as good as I feel. I only did one exercise video last week. This week, I'm challenging myself to do the videos THREE days and circuit training THREE days. CHALLENGE!!!

What a week! Whew!

Ok, so I started a new job this week. When I say it took ALL my energy, it took it ALL. I'm up at 5am and not home until 6:30pm (at the earliest), and by then, I'm EXHAUSTED! It doesn't help that I'm an insomniac. My goal is to be in bed by 9pm. Anyway, I didn't cook a single thing all week! And I only walked ONCE. SAD!!! I ate HORRIBLY, too. Only drank one glass of fresh juice. I only packed my lunch once. One day I got a healthy lunch, but still, I have got to do better. Three days last week, I ate fried, fatty foods for lunch. Unacceptable. So I came up with a plan.

Food. Each Sunday, I'm going to make dinner and lunch for the WHOLE week. That way, I don't have to worry about cooking or anything during the week. I will have time to make a glass of juice in the morning, exercise for 30mins in the evening, and make a glass of fresh juice to drink before dinner. I have to get back on track. This week, I'm making pasta (using whole wheat pasta, ground turkey, and turkey italian sausage) and red beans and yellow rice. With two meals, I can switch up during the week and not get bored with my choices. I will also keep salad made so that I can have a side salad with my lunch and dinner each day. And I'll snack on fruit and veggies.

Exercise. Ok, so walking for an hour just might not happen. I know I said I'd keep walking in the cold, but it just may not happen. I'm too tired to commit to that just yet. BUT, I can still do the Curves style circuit training (30mins, 3x/wk) and aerobic videos (30mins, 3x/wk). I will MAKE 30 minutes to exercise each day. NO EXCUSES!!!!! I'm at the library now and the first thing I did was pick up 6 exercise videos!

Accountability. I bought the cutest little notebook to use as my food journal. It's pink and green and just cute. :) I got it on the 18th and I began to use it on the 18th, even though I wasn't eating well. I ate horribly all week, but I still wrote everything down. AND I signed up at www.fitday.com. I LOVE this site!!! I can enter my food intake and activity each day and see the breakdown of how many calories I've eaten, what percentage comes from fat, carb, and protein, how much saturated/polyunsat/monounsat fat, whether or not I'm getting my RDA of vitamins and minerals, and reports of calories eaten vs calories burned. It helps me to stay on track, not just with how many points I'm eating, but whether or not I'm eating the RIGHT stuff. I love it! And I'll tell you what, even when I binge, I'm still burning more calories than I eat. I totally forgot about my basal metabolic rate. Totally forgot that my body burns calories on its own. THAT'S why I'm still losing weight and inches. But I have to give my body the nutrients it needs and that's where fitday comes in to play. I've been keeping track of my points, and man, I've been eating too much. I've already gone thru all of my WAP and I still have 3 days to go! It's so true, when you don't write stuff down, you lose track of what you've eaten. And I'm gonna start my period this week, too?! So you can imagine what I've been eating. Friday night I ate a pint of ice cream. 1/2 of one kind and 1/2 of another. That was dinner. How sad is that? Then yesterday I ate 7 wingdings (21pts) and LOTS of bread. So now I have to enter that into fitday (the best way I can for the bread sticks). But the good news is, today is a NEW day. All that bad eating is BEHIND me! I can move forward starting today.

Now, even though I didn't eat well and I didn't exercise like I should have, there WERE things that I think I did well last week. On Monday, there was an ice cream social. Free ice cream, as much as you wanted (people were taking ice cream home, ok?) Monique didn't eat ANY! Then they had a BAKE SALE!!! Did I buy anything? Yup - an apple. It was HUGE and DELICIOUS!!! I didn't buy any snacks from the vending machine all week (save some Sun Chips for my lunch on Tuesday). Our trainer brought in coffee cake at the beginning of the week. I didn't have any. Then on Friday, she brough in brownies. I didn't have any of those, either. So even though I did bad all by myself, it could have been considerably worse!

I'll update on how I do this week! Since I'm planning ahead, I should be aight!!!

Mini update

Herbs & Gardening. Ok, so this gardening thing is a little more than I thought it would be. I mean, I only wanted to grow herbs. But I can't start them in the fall/winter. I figure I'll read and research during these seasons, do some little projects at home (I got a couple gardening books for kids and they have some projects in them), and by the time spring gets here, I'll be ready to plant some stuff. Now, I did see some herb plants at the grocery store, mint and something else, so I think I'll get those and just put them in actual pots. That's a start. If I can keep them alive, I know I can grow some stuff. I'm still going to grow and juice wheatgrass. I don't have to wait until spring to do that. And from what I'm reading, it seems really easy to grow; only takes about 7 days. So I figure I'll finish reading The Wheatgrass Book (by Ann Wigmore), buy a wheatgrass juicer off of Ebay, and get started growing in a month or so. Man, that stuff sounds POWERFUL!!! I used to silently mock folks who went into juice bars getting shots of random stuff. Who KNEW I'd end up one of these natural fanatics. Well, I'm not a fanatic, I'm just trying to be the healthiest I can be. More on that later.

Juicing. I'm doing it! Two glasses of fresh juice each day! I LOVE carrot-apple juice! Today I added some pineapple and it was DELICIOUS!!! My evening juices will always be green vegetables with some carrot and apple to give it some sweetness and make it easier to digest. I've moved my juicer from the baker's rack to the counter. With it in my view all the time, it's hard to forget to use it. And I have little to no counter space, but I'm making it work. I've been thinking about moving so that I have a better (bigger, more cabinet & counter space) kitchen, but I REALLY destest moving. I also wanted to save money on rent, but I just don't have it in me to move right now. That's too exhausting of a task and I'm already mentally and emotionally drained. So for now I'm staying put, little kitchen and all.

Books. I love them!!! I am learning SO much just from reading. My latest faves? The fat-free cooking books by Sandra Woodruff. I'm going to try a couple of her recipes today. I'm pretty excited about it. Even bread, and I've never made homemade bread in my life; that's my middle sister's forte. Tonight it's gonna be oven-fried chicken and cornbread. Little to no fat!!! And I'm making my own ovenfry stuff, not store-bought. I may even make a chocolate cake. I plan to buy all of her books off of Amazon when I get a little extra cash. Also, these juicing books. A wealth of information, so I'm gonna get a couple of those off Amazon, too. And a must-have is the Wellness Foods A-Z; I absolutely HAVE to have this book!!! I can't keep checking it out from the library. It tells not just about food, but also vitamins and minerals. It's a resource I must have.

Exercise. I'm still walking. Not every day, but about 3 times a week for an hour each time. That's just a minimum, though. I mean, they say walk for 30mins 6 times a week. But I think that's for everybody and to lose weight I need to do a little more. So I'm gonna get back on it. I'm proud of myself, though. I have been going through hell mentally and emotionally the past few months and I have NOT let it interrupt this!!! Normally, I give up, but not this time. In the midst of absolute crisis and chaos, I've kept walking. I think I've accomplished a life change. Now if I don't walk, I actually MISS it! Still need to get it together with the strength and flexibility training. I really like the Curves workout (as outlined in the curves book to do at home). So on the days that I don't walk, that's what I'm going to do. I have to get a jump rope and a new 4ft resistance band. Then it's on! And it's only 30mins, so I have time for that. It's cold today, about 49 degrees, but I still walked! Can't gain weight cuz it's cold outside is what I keep telling myself. So I i have on two pairs of pants, a tshirt, and two sweatshirts. Works for me! And when it gets colder, I'll add thermals and a turtleneck and of course some type of jacket. NOTHING will keep me from my goal.

TOPS. Still haven't joined. I honestly haven't had the extra cash to do so. I started to just join and worry about money later, but I figured, I've been doing well by myself for the past few months, I can hold out a little longer. But I still want to join (NEED to join) because I like the accountablity and support of a weight-loss group and I like being able to weigh in each week to see where I'm at. I just have to figure out how their dues work. If I have to pay again in January, I'ma just wait 'til then. But if my dues are based on when I join, I'm joining as soon as I have $26 extra.

So that's where I'm at right now. Stay encouraged!!!

Bad news - BINGE!!

Yup, I'm in the midst of a binge. Let's see. Friday night I ate a whole can of cashews. I felt horrible on Saturday, but not so bad that I didn't keep eating. I ordered a pizza and ate the whole thing. It was a small, six slices, but still, I ate the WHOLE thing. In two sittings. And some cheese sticks. From Papa John's. Not to mention the cheese was probably unclean. I have to do better. Today I ate a .99 bag of Doritos and a .99 bag of mini Oreos. I don't know what's wrong with me. While I'm coming up with these meals and anticipating getting back on the bandwagon FOR REAL, I'm falling off big time. But I'm conscious of it and I won't let it get out of hand. I know I don't want to do this, though, because I feel constipated and bloated. Ugh, I just don't feel well. And I know why, so I know how to avoid this feeling.

That's one of the reasons I'm looking into this juice fasting stuff so tough - I know I need to cleanse my system. I know I do. But I'm going to let the juice do it for me. We'll see.

More research

Ok, so I've been reading on juicing and fruits and vegetables and detoxification. I've learned so much. One of the things I've been thinking about is growing my own herb garden. Well, there's no better time to start than the present. I figure I can teach myself how to do it buy getting books and reading so I came to the library to get started. I start a new job next week and want everything in place before that life-change commences. I've already come up with plenty of meal ideas (over 30 for dinner and a few for breakfast and lunch), so I don't have to worry about that. But I'm planning on going grocery shopping this week to get the things I'll need for the next week or two. I'm seriously committed to juicing, so I need to learn about some herbs and different sprouts, namely wheatgrass. I want to see what I can grow in the kitchen and what I can grow on my balcony, even though it's about to get cold. I don't have a window in my kitchen; I hope that doesn't pose a problem. I only have a few more days off and I want to maximize this time for learning and making changes, if need be.

I don't know if I'm going to do a fast or not, but I'm definitely adding two glasses of fresh juice each day. And I'm going to make them WORK for me!!

I found so many great recipes! I can't wait to try them out! Who knew that I would get addicted to cooking and stuff?! Gardnening?? Me?! Amazing! But I can't wait to start. I guess these are my newest hobbies.

More on this later...

Where I'm at now

I haven't really been updating this like I should. I do still keep my weight-loss journal at home, so I'm keeping track of everything, but still. Anyway, here's where I'm at...

WW will always be the foundation of my weight-loss plan, whatever it may be at the moment. Like right now, I'm not counting points (per se), but I pay attention to portion sizes and I *think* about how many points I'm consuming whenever I eat. It just dawned on me a couple days ago that I now have to eat FEWER points. I was a little miffed at first, but not like I didn't know this was coming. I understand that the smaller I get, the less fuel my body will need to run. I get that and all. But I'm overweight because I have a food addiction, so eating FEWER points still poses a problem to me. I JUST got acclimated to eating 26pts, now I'm down to 24. BUT the flip side of it is I'm still earning activity points and I still have those 35 WAP, so I'm good to go. But WW and the Points system will never be far from me. They help me to regulate what I eat and how much of it I eat at one time. I may not be attending my meetings, but I still get my magazine and I still have all of my WW tools from the 12 weeks I did attend meetings. That being said...

I'm researching again. I talked to a soror and she happened to mention detox. This is the second time it's come up in our conversations, so I figured I'd research it a little bit. And I don't mean taking any pills from GNC, I mean natural detoxification. Clearly, I have no idea what that entails, but I'm trying to steer clear of foreign substances. Not to mention, most pills or capsules are made with gelatin, and I can't eat pork in any form, so that's out. And speaking of not eating pork, what I know is helping me is following the dietary law set forth by our Creator. He lays it all out for us in Leviticus 11. I've been following this law for about 3 years now, but I'm constantly learning new foods that are unclean because they contain pork by-products. It dawned on me that if I was more conscientious in paying attention to ingredients and faithfully following YAH's dietary law, I'd be A LOT healthier! Anyway, that was all off topic, but important nonetheless. So I decided to get some books on detoxification while I was here at the library. I am checking out books I've already read but want to read again, and then books I've never read at all. Here's what I have:

1. The Detox Diet by Elson M. Haas, M.D. - I read the introduction and a little bit of each of the first few chapters. Very interesting and informative. Taking it home to get a better understanding of who needs, why, and when to detox. It even includes a detox diet. This has more to do with health than with weight-loss, but apparently has weight-loss effects.
2. Juice Fasting and Detoxification by Steve Meyerowitz - I picked this up because I haven't been juicing and I wanted to get back into it. Again, more for health benefits than for weight-loss.
3. The Juiceman's Power of Juicing by Jay Kordich - I read some of this when I first got my juicer and wanted to learn about juicing. I figured I may as well pick it up again.
4. Weight Loss That Lasts by James M. Rippe, M.D. & Weight Watchers - Why not? Just to keep me on my toes, give me a little extra motivation, and maybe I'll learn something that you don't get in meetings. A refresher course, if you will.
5. Mayo Clinic Healthy Weight for Everybody - Heard lots of good things about the Mayo Clinic. Turns out, the whole Mayo Clinic Diet is a myth, doesn't exist. But I figured I'd still read the book because they are touted to be experts. Might learn something.
6. FitFood, Eating Well for Life by Ellen Haas - I'm currently reading Superfoods Rx (for the 2nd time) and Superfoods HealthStyle, both by Dr. Steven Pratt. FitFood lists 21 fit foods, their advantages, and recipes using them. Very similar to the 14 Superfoods, so I figured I'd pick it up and compare and see if there is anything new in there that I haven't read before.
7. Wellness Foods A to Z by Sheldon Margen, M.D. - I've had this book before and I just had to pick it up again. It's like an encyclopedia of all foods and their nutritional benefits. It's fascinating. Nothing you could read cover to cover, but I would love to own this one day. In the meantime, I can keep getting it for FREE from the library. :)

So that's where I'm at right now. What I've come to realize is that if I focus on my HEALTH and not my looks, I get a lot farther. I don't want heart disease and I refuse to get it. I REFUSE. So I'm all about what I eat. I read in one of these books that 3 out of the 4 top reasons for disease have to do with how we eat. How crazy is that? All we have to do to ensure that we are healthy and remain healthy is EAT RIGHT?! Yet we don't do it. Damn all that. If that's all I have to do to ensure I don't follow in my parents' footsteps, I'M ON IT!!! I'm also trying to add new and different foods to my diet. I'm guilty of eating the same things all the time. It's not that I don't like what I eat or that I'm getting bored, it's just that I'm missing out on nutrients from other foods. So I'm broadening my horizons, which is hard for me because I'm a VERY picky eater. And I DON'T like vegetables. But I've decided to eat to live and not live to eat. I should not eat food simply because I like how it tastes, but because it's good for me and will have lasting effects on my health in the long run. That's what's important. If it's just THAT bad, then I'll juice it. Plus, I figure I don't have to eat whatever vegetable it is by itself, I can incorporate it into a recipe and still reap the nutritional benefits from it. I'm growing. Who knew?!

Another book I have at home right now is Cooking Thin With Chef Kathleen by Kathleen Daelmanns. It's a cookbook, with some decent recipes, but what I love about it even more is that before she even gets into the recipes, she gives tips on weight-loss. It's REALLY great and I'd recommend it to anyone.

So what have I learned? This has nothing to do with a "diet." I'm not on a "diet." I'm simply changing my eating habits and becoming more active. That's all. The changes I've made and am currently making will be a part of my lifestyle forever. That's why I can't do anything drastic - I know I'm not going to stick to it, so there's no sense in doing it now. Plus, I'm all about my health. Drastic diets focus on weight-loss, and while that's all well and good, what about my health?

So that's where I'm at!

Next up: Curves and limiting carbs, low-fat baking... Stay tuned...

ONEDERLAND, BABY!!!!!

That's right!!! I'm FINALLY in ONEderland!!! 193.5!!!! I have no idea when it actually happened cuz I haven't weighed myself in a while. But I did last week at a friend's house who had a digital scale. Man, I was so shocked by the read-out I had to weigh myself TWICE!! I haven't been writing down what I eat or really counting points. I have been paying attention to everything I put into my mouth and making sure that I'm making healthy choices. And I've kept exercising no matter what. And these last two weeks have been... WHEW!!! Life threw me a couple curve balls but a sista is STILL maintaining!!! AND consistently losing weight on top of it!!! I DIDN'T EMOTIONALLY EAT!!!! I DIDN'T STOP WALKING!!!!! Man, I'm growing and I LOVE it!!!!! There is NO going back!!!!

There is one slight problem. I have NO clothes. Now that fall is here, I have no clothes. And I can't afford to go shopping. I did get a couple sweaters at the GAP outlet last week, but I really need pants. Really, I need pants and skirts. I'm cool on jeans; those fit. My sister is sending me some clothes that she can't fit anymore, and my sister can dress, so it's cool. Most of that stuff she ain't never even wore. Y'all, even my shoes are too big. And I don't part with shoes. PERIOD. So I'ma hafta work something out, lol.

At any rate, just had to update cuz a sista is EXCITED!!!!!!!! This is the smallest I've been in 14 years!!!!! I'm NEVER EVER EVER going back!!!! EVER!!!!! Only 48 more pounds to go. This time next year, I'll be at my goal of 145lbs!!!

I still need to commit to doing some strength and flexibility. I have to keep reminding myself that if I don't, I'll be thin, but flabby and not toned, and that's just unacceptable! After all of this, I want to look good. Because the truth is, I FEEL good!!! I'm so proud of me, I really am. No heart disease for me!!! I will NOT follow in my mother's footsteps! I'm ADDING years to my life, not taking away, and there's nothing I'd trade in the world for that. Not even a box of Nabisco Ginger Snaps. (*And I came REAL close a couple weeks ago, REAL close!!*)

I guess that's all for now.

WOOWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

:-D

Update

I haven't weighed myself in I don't know how long, so I have no idea what the scale says. I'm not worried because I FEEL thinner. And I'm keeping up with my measurements. That will have to do for now.

Bootcamp for Brides, Stability Ball, and Pilates - I haven't been doing any of that. As far as the Pilates, I think I would rather take a class because it seems you need to know proper positions and all that. If I'm going to do it, I want to do it right. I'm trying to alleviate pain, not create new ones, y'know? I have an exercise video (from the library, of course) for the Stability Ball, so I'm going to give that a try. And of course I'm still walking.

Haven't been writing down what I eat this past week, but I'm going to get back on the ball. I need to start planning AND recording my meals. Keeps me on track.

More milestones!!!

Can you even BELIEVE it?! Ok, so first, I went out the other night and since it's gotten chilly, I put on my boots. Y'all, I zipped them up my calf with NO PROBLEM!!! I didn't have to hold them together or nothin'!!! They just zipped right up! I took my boot off and measured my calf: I've lost an inch off my calf! It is soooooo hard for me to lose inches off of my calves and check it out!!! A whole inch! For like two years it was 16 inches and now it's only 15!!! WOOWHOOOOOO!!!

Ok, so remember the GAP jeans I got from the thrift store earlier in the spring/summer? Size 14 GAP jeans that I was supposed to be able to fit by July? Well, in July they fit, but not WELL, y'know what I'm sayin'? I couldn't quite get them over my butt (and I don't even have a regular blackgirl butt). I thought maybe they were irregularly made (hence how they ended up at the thrift store BRAND NEW) and would never fit properly. So anyway, I have been walking more regularly (as I committed to do in my last post). This month is the first time I actually exercised while on my period (GO ME!!). I walked today, took my shower, and tried to find something to wear. My wardrobe has totally diminished due to my clothes being too big and me not having money to get new clothes that fit. So I decide to try on my GAP jeans (my size 14 GAP jeans) to see how far I have to go before I could wear them. THEY FIT!!! THEY FIT!!! THEY FIT!!!! I have them on right now!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I am NEVER EVER EVER EVER going back!!!! This feels TOO damn good!!!!!

How's THAT for motivation?

:)

MILESTONE!!!!!

OK, so I've been slacking on my walks. I only walked twice last week. There were a few days I still had over 10K steps, but not because of exercise, just walked a lot. I did go walking yesterday, but only for 45 minutes instead of my usual 60+. Anyway, I needed something to get me in gear so I went to try on clothes at the regular people's stores. Yesterday, I went to NY&CO. I can fit THEIR 14's!!!!!!! Well, not the jeans. But the dress pants. And I tried on tops and a skirt that were size LARGE and they fit FINE!!!!! I couldn't believe it! I expected them to be too small to motivate me to get that X from in front of my size. And here it is they fit just fine. I WEAR A LARGE!!!!! I WEAR A LARGE!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Excited is SUCH an understatement!!!!!

:-D

I'll make SURE I keep walking and whatnot because I am NOT going back into Lane Bryant, Ashley Stewart, OR the Avenue!!!! NO MORE PLUS SIZE STORES FOR THIS REAL WOMAN!!!! WooWhoooooooo!!!!!!!

What's this all about anyway?

It dawned on me that I am going to be sharing all types of stuff in here. I realize I started this blog to document my weight-loss journey and feelings. But what I know is that my compulsive eating is driven by something deeper and I have a feeling that a lot of my mental and emotional issues coupled with my financial issues and economic background have an impact on my eating habits. So I'm going to talk about EVERYTHING up in here. And I promise, once I figure out how to explain the whole agoraphobia thing, I will. It's a panic disorder, from what I understand. And although I suffer from depression, I do have some anxiety issues, as well.

Basically, I'm learning a lot about myself. It's exciting and scary all at once. But I'll tell you what. Once I set my appointment to return to therapy and could see a light at the end of the tunnel, the compulsive eating stopped. Now I'm at the other end of the spectrum: barely eating. I forget. If I'm not damn near starving, I forget I have to eat. So I have to make an effort to eat throughout the day. Not so easy, but I'm getting used to it.

I have a really good feeling about ALL of this. I feel like I'm on my way to healing and it feels sooooo good!!!

Why am I excited about exercising today? :)

It's been a long time

Too long, really. Well, I kinda fell off the bandwagon. My last post I think I said I was at 205lbs. Even falling off the bandwagon, I've lost 1lb and 1 inch. I'm at 204 last I weighed and I'm back on the bandwagon. I write down what I eat, and in my head, I count my points, but I'm not so focused on that anymore. I'm more focused on making sure I eat healthy foods and exercise. Once I'm REALLY back on track, I will do better at watching portions and weighing and all that. Right now, it's one step at a time.

So what happened? Where have I been? I had a slight "breakdown." As I've mentioned, I suffer from depression. The month of July I just crashed. Didn't go to work. Didn't answer my phone. Didn't leave my apartment (except to go to the store or the library). I visited three friends, too. But that's it. I talked to my best friend, but that was it. I began to have suicide-related thoughts. Not of actually killing myself, but of things like the difference between veins and arteries and why do people sit in the bathtub when they slit their wrists; shit like that. My best friend called my therapist to let her know what was going on since I'd also isolated from her and skipped my last two appointments. I finally got in to see her and she thinks I may also suffer from agoraphobia. So I went to the library and got all kinds of books on that, too. She might be on to something. I feel like I'm finally understanding what I've been going through. I still don't know how to explain it fully, but it helps to know that I'm not alone. I just wish in all the years of therapy I've been in (13yrs), someone would've brought this up. But the books I'm reading say that it's often overlooked, so I guess it's normal, whatever that means.

So I'm taking things one day at a time. During that month I was isolated in my apartment (housebound as the books say), I ate all KINDS of stuff. Forget counting points. Breyer's pints were on sale, 10 for $10. I probably ate about 5 pints of ice cream last month. That's about how much ice cream I normally eat in a year. Seriously. I wonder if I will eat any more ice cream this year? I should be all ice creamed out.

Even during all of my compulsive eating, I knew I'd be back on the bandwagon sooner or later, I just hoped it was sooner. I just didn't have the motivation to do ANYTHING. I walked a couple of times. Literally, like maybe twice in a month. I've already walked twice this week. I've gotten more books from the library. I'd gotten one for my linesister who's getting married next year called Bootcamp360 for Brides. I flipped thru it and it motivated me a lot!!! I looked at the exercise plan and it was all doable from home using a stability ball, resistance bands, and free weights. I have all that stuff at home!!! I'd stopped using the stability ball because I couldn't figure out how to balance on it. So I decided to go BACK to the library and get books on the ball. I'm SO glad I did!! I didn't know that part of the work-out was balancing on the ball!!! It strengthens your core muscles, just like belly dancing! So now that I understand it, I'm going to try it again. I haven't been to belly dancing class, and won't be back for two weeks (I'm broke), so this will keep all those little muscles working. Anyway, in reading about the swiss ball, I also read about Pilates. Now, this was something I thought was an exercise fad like yoga taebo. I had no idea the history that surrounded it. I didn't know that it was originally designed as physical therapy. This got me to thinking about my back and knee pain and maybe I should give it a try. So I went BACK to the library and got some books on Pilates. I was so interested I went to the library again TODAY (lol, it IS my favorite place) and got some DVDs: a couple Pilates, Billy Blanks Bootcamp, and West African Dance. My sands asked me yesterday what I was going to do when it snowed as far as my walking was concerned. At first I was like, oh I'll just go to the indoor track, which is my plan for inclement weather. Then I remembered the Brides' Bootcamp. The exercise plan is similar to any other that I've done, alternating between aerobic exercise and strength & flexibility. But she also said to alternate what KIND of aerobic exercise you do so that you don't get bored. I never get bored walking, so at first I ignored that. But when I thought about spending gas to go to the indoor track, I was like, hmmm, no. I can get exercise DVDs. If I like them enough after I try them out from the library, then I'll buy them. If not, I'll keep getting different ones from the library each week. I can do the DVDs as soon as I get home from work and not have to worry about waking up EVERY morning.

I'm excited. I feel good about myself. I haven't given up. I haven't settled. And you know what else?? I'M COMFORTABLE IN MY BODY!!!! Finally!!! I actually cleared out EVERYTHING larger than a 14 from my closet. Well, not totally true. I had a couple sundresses altered that I'm keeping and I also have two jean skirts that are a 16 - they're only a little too big. Everything else is moved out! I'm giving it all to my best friend. Some stuff she'll be able to fit now and some stuff she can keep as goal clothes. At first I was concerned because my wardrobe has now been halved (is that a word). But I would much rather re-wear and re-wear outfits than to wear too big clothes for the sake of having a bigger wardrobe. And I actually think I look nice. And it only took a month, LOL!

So I have to think of new goals. I'm already coming up with a plan. I'm planning my meals and my exercises. I'm going to practice Pilates and that Ball. I'm looking forward to trimming down by building muscle. And I'm REALLY looking forward to ridding myself of the back pain; I really have a feeling that this is going to help.

I feel good about myself. And I know that exercising these past couple of days is helping with that. I am visualizing my goal. I WILL get to my goal weight!!!!

Oh - TOPS... I'm broke right now and have to wait.

So that's all!!!

So long WW...

Hellooooooooooo TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly)!! Ok, let me start at the beginning.

A few weeks ago in our WW meeting, the leader was reading Empowering Beliefs. One of them was that this is easier than most things we've done. I looked around and everyone nodded. I raised my hand and said for me it was just the opposite - it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I told her I felt like an alcoholic, but instead, food was my drug. I want y'all to know that NO ONE ELSE said anything. Everyone acted like this was easy as pie for them. Then someone said, "Well I think it's easy to follow the program." Yeah, but how easy was it to DECIDE to FOLLOW the program? It's easy to count points, but it's not easy to always stick to the plan. It was then that I realized I was sitting in a room full of people who didn't know what to do or say, simply looked toward the leader for guidance. That is NOT my idea of a support group. I felt like everyone in the room was a bunch of fakers. I mean, seriously, if it's so damn easy, WHY are you HERE??? You wouldn't even BE fat if it was so damn easy. Man, GTFOOHWDBS. That was the first time I left a WW meeting feeling a little empty.

The next day, I told my boss about it and told her how I felt like I was in the Stepford WW Club. I mentioned TOPS and she said her grandmother and aunt were members for years. I've been to the website (www.tops.org) and read all about it. Since it's a nonprofit, it's WAY cheaper than WW, only $24 per year. I decided to go to a meeting to see if I liked it.

I LOVED IT!!!! The women were SO nice. I'm definitely the youngest person there, lol, but that's not much different from WW. I was also the only Black woman. This little older lady (who I think will be my favorite) was telling me about the group (she has two daughters who come as well) and mentioned that there were a couple other African-American girls, too. I chuckled to myself, but I was glad she wanted to make me feel comfortable and welcome. The chapter has dues, also, only $2 per month. So I'm basically looking at $48 a year. And they have conferences and stuff. They have contests and stuff. Like they are having a summer contest where they are paired up and whichever team loses the most wins (I forget what). Then they have an Angel of the month which is whoever loses the most that month and then at the end of the year they have a Queen (or a king, but they're are only 2 men in the group). AND they bring low-fat snacks!!! Fruit, pretzels, rice cakes, coffee. It was the most bizarre experience, being at a weight-loss meeting eating snacks! And these women are losing! You get a diet and goal weight (or range, I guess) from a doctor (she said have him/her write it on a prescription pad). So everyone is doing something different, but they are SO supportive of each other. I got to meet a couple people who'd met their goals and are now KOPS (Keeping...). They tease each other and seem like a little family. When I left, they all said they hoped to see me back, and they will.

I look at it like this: I already have all the tools I need from WW. Why keep paying $12 a week when I'm not getting what I need? I went for 12 weeks, so that's $144. $144. And I'm 12lbs down. I paid $12 for every pound I lost. Was it worth it? Hmm, I think so, I mean, it is what it is. WW works, so I'm glad I got all the tools from the 12 weeks I went. But I'm not shellin' out any more money to them. I was gonna keep goin' until I got my 10% keychain, but damn all that. Next Monday, I'm paying my TOPS membership! :)

Oh yeah, I weighed in last night. I even had on a denim skirt (I didn't go home and change). Even in the heavy clothing, I've lost 1lb since Thursday!!!! YAY!!! I *might* go to WW tomorrow for the last time. Maybe. I probably won't, lol.

So that was my TOPS experience. What y'all think?

The damage

Ok, so I weighed in and it wasn't as bad as I thought. I'm up 3.8. So I'm back at 206.2, where I was in week 7. That's cool, though. I'm still not giving up. I keep visualizing my goal. I still FEEL thinner. And I still fit my smaller clothes, so I'm not harping on the numbers. They'll go back down; as long as those inches don't go up! I'm just in a much better mood today. I'm looking forward to walking later. I have a new book on CD, Stephen King's The Colorado Kid. It sounds like it might be CSI-ish, so I'm hoping I like it. It doesn't sound like classic Stephen King, though. Neither was Cell; I took that back to the library after the first disc. I have been listening to Everything's Eventual at home. The first time I've ever listened to an audio book at home. Nice to fall asleep to, actually. WHY am I rambling on and on about audio books? The next one I'ma get is The Devil Wears Prada.

Have a good weekend, y'all! I know I will!! :)

Trying to stay UP

Ok, I have so much to say. First things first, last week, I gained 2.4lbs. I stayed within my points, BUT I didn't exercise at all. That really put me in the ground, though. I wanted to binge SO badly and didn't and I STILL gained. No matter, right? WRONG!!! It has been downhill ever since! *sigh* I don't celebrate the 4th of July, so that wasn't it. I don't have any EXCUSES. I did what I did and then didn't go weigh in yesterday. Slept right thru it. I almost decided THE HELL WITH IT. But then I remembered, no matter WHAT, I can't quit. And I remembered that this isn't the first time this has happened. I can lose the weight. Only by saying TO HELL WITH IT will I gain EVERYTHING back and end up fatter and unhappy and even more unmotivated and even more lazy with even more contempt for exercise. So today, I'm back on plan. I guess. Lemme tell y'all what I ate over the last five days.

It all started with making sure I had easy foods to eat while I braided my hair. Friday night I went out and didn't braid ANY of my hair. Instead, I was at the bar and drank two vodka & cranberries. Then I also had 1/2 of a beer. I don't even drink beer. It was a long night. Driving home Saturday morning, I stopped at McDonald's and got a Steak, Egg, & Cheese bagel, hashbrown, and orange juice.

So I went to the grocery store on Saturday and spent $50. I got plenty of fruit and some microwave stuff:

• Apples, peaches, nectarines, plums, watermelon, and bananas
• Morningstar Buffalo nuggets
• Morningstar Chik'n nuggets
• Lean Cuisine Steak Panini
• Lean Cuisine mushroom pizza
  

On Saturday night, I wanted some sancks. So I went to Kroger and got a bag of Baked Cheetos and a box of Chips Ahoy 100 Calorie Snack Packs. By Sunday, everything was gone, EXCEPT the fruit. Well, not totally true; I ate the watermelon. So I went to Kroger and got a box of Ginger Snaps and a pint of Butter Pecan Ice Cream. On Monday, still in binge mode, I go to the Chinese buffet. I didn't eat as much as I could've, but I did some damage. By Tuesday everything (except the fruit) was all gone. So I went to Papa John's and got a large chicken fajita pizza and an order of cheese sticks. I ate all of the cheese sticks and 6 slices of the pizza (pan crust) over two days. Somewhere in there, I also ate some cereal and some fruit.

Totally lost control. And now I have to go weigh-in today. I don't want to, but I HAVE to because NO MATTER WHAT, I CAN'T QUIT. After I weigh in, I'll come and post where I'm at.

Here's the thing. I think I self-sabotage or something. I mean, I was SO close to ONEderland. So close, and now look at me. But it's cool, I'm not totally discouraged. I got another book on CD from the library and I'm going to start using it tomorrow. My belly dancing class is tonight. I don't wanna go. I'm on my period and I'm crampy and I'm in a bad mood and I don't wanna go. But I'm gonna go ahead and go. Because last month I said NO MATTER WHAT, I'm going to exercise even while on my period. Normally, it puts me DOWN, but this month, I'm going to master it. It already made me totally overeat, I can't let it make me not exercise, too.

I've got to get back on track. I just felf fat and ugly this weekend. I don't know what happened. :( One day I'm all happy about my weight loss and the next day, I just feel fat. WTF? I was supposed to go to a party Sunday night. I got dressed, put on my make-up, cute shoes, everything. Instead of feeling cute, I felt fat and not attractive. So what did I do? Changed into sweats and a tshirt, and went and got Ginger Snaps and ice cream. Ate half of it that night and finished it off Monday morning.

So that's my binge. I feel shitty about the whole thing. But it is what it is, right?

Today is a whole new day. Whole new day...

Oh yeah

The Crystal Phillips Book is called The Me I Knew I Could Be (One woman's journey from 292 pounds to peace, happiness, and healthy living).

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0312252269/sr=8-2/qid=1150827365/ref=pd_bbs_2/002-8757616-6852805?%5Fencoding=UTF8

GREAT book!!

I SAW MY COLLAR BONE TODAY!!!

Ok, so on Friday me and my coworkers all went bowling and we took lots of pictures. Well, my boss showed us the pics today and guess what?! I CAN SEE MY COLLAR BONE!!! I was SO excited!!! I hadn't even noticed that I normally couldn't see it until I actually SAW it! I have nothing else to say. I'm just super excited about ALL of this!!!!

THANK YOU WW!!!

It's a great day!!!

Ok, so even after yesterday's blog, I had some issues this morning. Oh, I have so much to say, lol. Bookmark the Crystal Phillips book. Ok, so this morning. I was getting dressed and put on my denim shorts. My OLD denim shorts. They're a size 20. I tried to talk myself into wearing them. But they were hanging off of me and I could see my underwear. It's too hot to wear jeans. So I had to put on my new shorts. They're a size 16 (much to my dismay, but I guess some stuff is cut differently), but they fit really well. After I put them on, I wanted to put on a big tshirt that would hang off of me, too. I literally had to talk to myself, aloud, to make sure I put on something flattering to my new figure. So I put on a new tank top. I look cute, but it took a lot to get out of the door this morning. But I did it. And . . .

I've gotten compliments all day and it's barely 11:30AM!! :-D The first came as I was dropping off clothes and books at the thrift store. One of the guys that unloaded my car tried to hit on me! I wasn't interested, but it made me feel good and not uncomfortable! Then when I got to work one of my coworkers told me that she noticed I'd lost weight and that I looked nice in my summer clothes! I'm so glad I decided to step outside of my comfort zone and wear them! She said she'd been noticing but wasn't sure how to compliment me on it. And here it was I thought no one was noticing. But then again, how could they when I was hiding it in my clothes?!

I'm ecstatic!!! :-D I can't stop looking at my chair now that I can see the sides! THIS IS A GREAT FEELING!!! I'm sticking to something I started and I'm seeing progress!!! I'M PROUD OF MYSELF!!!

Time for another reward!!!

:-D

What I need to work on

Ok, so now it's time to get grounded. Yeah, three posts in one day. Only slightly obsessed.

Ok, I'm not eating well, I'm eating empty nutrients. I need to eat more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. So what I'm going to try to do this week is eat only Core foods. I'm still going to use my points, because I'm sure I'd misjudge portion sizes. But someone said in the Serious WW group that it would be a good way to make sure that I'm not just staying in my points, but that I'm eating the RIGHT foods. Well, she wasn't talking to me, but her advice applies to me all the same. So that's the plan. We'll see how it goes.

I need to add in resistance exercises (weight training). I've been doing a little bit, but not consistently and not enough. So I need to work on adding that and to start, I'm going to shoot for twice a week.

I need to consistently do my ab exercises. Especially my obliques. I can't complain about a fat belly and fat rolls if I don't put muscle in that area instead.

I need to drink more water. Period.

I need to walk more. Right now, I'm only walking 2-3 days a week for an hour each time. I need to get up to 4-5 times a week, then 6 times a week.

Ok, so if I keep doing what I've been doing and work on these things, too, I should see some better results. We'll see.

I can SEE the changes!

Ok, I need to document the changes that I'm noticing.

1. I can see my waist. I mean, there is a clear indentation around my midsection. I HAVE A WAIST!!!!
2. I have no problem touching my toes.
3. When I sit in my office chair, with my knees together, I can see some of the chair!!!
4. I can cross my legs at the knees with no effort. I don't have to lift or pull or push, just cross. :)
5. Mobility during intimate acts is much better! I can be lifted and moved!!!

I'm so excited!!! It really is the little things. I can't stop smiling. And this actually makes me WANT to exercise. Who knew I'd ever get to this point? I definitely didn't, but I'm SO glad I'm here!