It's on...

Sunday was an absolutely gorgeous day. GORGEOUS. So y'all know what I did? That's RIGHT!!! I went walking! I walked over 4 miles and I had a great time doing it! But I was sore as all get out the next day AND I had a blister on my heel. But I still enjoyed it. And I've been consistently OUT of the 180's for the past three days or so. I was 177 the other day and 179 (BOOOOOOOOO) this morning. But the point is, the second digit is a 7. :) So I'm getting back on the bandwagon, slowly but surely. I went roller skating last week, too, for about 1.5hrs. That had my body sore, too. But it's all good.

I do have to get something off my chest though. I was looking at some online weight-loss testimonies and this one chick's before picture was around the same weight I'm at now. BUT, this chick's body looked WAY better than mine. Ok, she was 1.25 inches taller than me, but STILL. Her body looked nothing like mine. :( Now I feel conflicted because the other day, this man was giving me compliments and one of them was that I had a nice body. I'm like, who? ME?! Please, you haven't seen me naked! LOL! But it still made me feel good, because sometimes I forget I have a different body and I'm not really all that used to it. So right after I get lifted up a little bit, I come right back down after seein' ol' girl's pics. *sigh* I know I shouldn't even be comparing myself to someone else, but it's hard. It really is. And no matter what anyone says, I'm continuing on with my weight-loss journey. I don't care if other people think I look OK, I clearly am not happy with how I look. Ok, that's not totally true, either. I do kinda like how I look . . . . . . IN MY CLOTHES. I'm kinda thick and I like it. But I don't like how I look naked. I don't. I actually think it's disgusting. I'm glad we wear clothes, lol. Cuz I'd hate to hafta even do y'all like that!

So I guess I said all that to say, I need to work on staying within and focusing not on without. My body is my body and so what what someone else's body looks like. Haz bien y no mires a quien in spanish means "do well and don't look to others" or "mind your business." And that's what I need to do: focus on me, do well, and not look to others.

In weight loss...

the phrase no news is good news just doesn't ring true. So that let's you know that I have no good news, lol. I don't have any bad news, either. I haven't gained nor lost any weight. I'm still 182.5. I fluctuate down to 179 and up to 185, but I always come back to 182.5. I haven't been exercising, not even going to Pilates. The snowstorm a few weeks ago totally threw me off schedule and then making up those hours the next week at work... I just haven't seemed to be able to get back on track. But I have a new job now and I'm moving next month. My new complex has a fitness center in the basement, so I will have NO excuses! My eating habits have been even worse. I have pretty much been eating whatever the hell I want. So sad. I'm trying to get it in gear, but it's kinda hard. I know as soon as it's nicer (read: warmer) outside, my habits will change. I'll be able to walk and I don't waste calories burned on food. Well, sometimes, I do, lol, but not like I've been doing. I'm surprised I haven't gained any weight, for real. I'm ready to lose these last 30 pounds or so. I feel good about myself, though, but I want to feel totally confident all the time. And that won't happen until there is no gut and no back fat. So I need to get it in gear. As much as I feel like I could never succeed on that Fat Smash diet, I'm starting to think I need to do it to cleanse my system. I already know how to eat, I'm just not doing it. And I've eaten SO much junk, I need to cleanse. And I haven't been juicing because I really want a new juicer. I HATE cleaning mine. I know if I get a new one I'll juice more often. Every day, shoot. I need to go 'head and work that in my budget, lol.

Well, that's all. Not off the bandwagon completely, it's always in the back of my mind. And I have to be honest, I'm loving wearing smaller clothes! I really am enjoying my physical transformation. And I'm proud that even though I haven't been eating right or exercising, I've maintained my weight. That lets me know that once I reach my goal weight I won't gain the weight back. And that's so reassuring and motivating, too.

Stuck

is how I feel. Not like most people, though, cuz I'm not at a plateau. Nope, I'm just not exercising and not being disciplined with my eating. I have one good day, then I fall off. Then I get back on the wagon and then I fall off. One of the problems is that my kitchen is a mess and I haven't cooked anything in like two weeks. Lazy and triflin'. That gets taken care of today after my morning shot of internet. So I gained back the 3.8lbs that I lost at the last meeting. Haven't been to weigh-in cuz of the weather and doing my hair (different story, different blog). and now I'm back to where I started in the first place. ARGH! It's SO frustrating; I just wanna be out of the 180's!!! Some days I'm like, Monique, just ride it out and quit stressin'. But other days I'm like, if you do that, you'll end up 250lbs again, so keep stressin'. Not stressin' stressin', but y'all know what I'm sayin'. So it's always on my mind. Today, I'm back on the wagon. Cleaning my kitchen and cooking a nice dinner. Doing some walking today cuz I'm going thrifting. I'm buying a digital camera in a few days so I'll take pics again and compare to my original "before" pics, but really to serve as my new before pics. I need to visualize this journey again and focus. Cuz I haven't been focusing at all. I have to remember I'm not like most people; I actually have to watch what I eat. And clearly not walking is making a huge difference! I need to exercise. I don't know why I haven't been to the rec center; I've had a car for a month and a half, so really there's no excuse for it. I can't wait until the weather warms up and I can walk outside again. And I'll be hired on at my job where they have a fitness center that has aerobic classes and I can't wait for that either.

The bottom line is IF I WANNA SEE CHANGE, I HAVE TO EARN CHANGE.

How could I forget?!

We had a wellness screening at work the other day. I went and had my blood pressure checked and my cholesterol. Guess who raised her HDL??? ME!!! I went from 47 to 58! I'm actually HEALTHIER!!! YAY!!! YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!! It has truly been a good week.

Today at lunchtime I decided I'd go to the cafe and get me something good and fattening. I get down there and decide to just get what I always get if I buy lunch (which is not often): a grilled chicken breast, baked potato, and broccoli. That's it. Oh, I used margarine and sour cream. I'm going to buy some butter spray to take to work, though. So when I get off, I go visit a friend of mine and he suggests grabbing a bite to eat. I didn't even get anything; I figured I'd just have cereal for dinner. I am SO proud of me!

GO MONIQUE!!!

I'm goin' down!

As I typed that I realized it had sooo many meanings. But for the purposes of this blog, it's all about the poundage. I lost 3.8lbs this week for a total of 2.8 since re-joining WW. I've lost all the weight I gained on the binge and then some. Good job, Monique! Way to get back on track!

Have I said I love my Pilates class? I LOVE IT!!! My legs are definitely getting stronger. And I think I can feel muscle starting to form underneath all of my abdominal fat. I think there may actually be some muscles under there!!! I pay a lot more attention to my posture now. And I've lost an inch from my upper thigh! Now I haven't measured since about a month before I started Pilates, so there's a chance I may have lost a little before, but I don't think so. I can tell I'm losing inches because the clothes I got when I went thrifting are even fitting differently, a little looser. Not too big, just more comfortable, I guess.

I'm getting used to the new me, I really am! I saw some old friends this weekend and everyone commented on how young (and thin) I looked. Who KNEW that losing weight would give me a youthful appearance? I sure didn't!

All in all, I feel good about myself!!!

Wow, what a week-and-a-half it's been. I joined WW again; I got a monthly pass this time. It's the best value. So I weighed in on 1/10 and was 186.2 (according to their scale; my home scale said 182.5 and I will always go with my home scale). Anyway, then I ate and ate and ate and ate some more. Pretty bad binge; I gained 9.5lbs. I just could not face my weigh in on the 17th cuz I was still 6-7lbs up. By the 18th, I knew I had to face the music, so I went to a different meeting and weighed in. I was only up 5lbs, so some of it had begun to come off. This morning I weighed myself and I'm about 183-184, so I'm getting back to where I was, but my goodness, what a waste of time. I'm starting to phase into the Fat Smash diet, so I should lose a little more. Well, actually, I don't know. I just finished dinner, and I don't know if I can go more than 9 days with no meat. So I think that I'll be doing FS modified for 9 days (lots of fruits & veggies, no caffeine, no meat, no white potatoes, no sugar, no snacks except popcorn, and no bread). I should still lose a decent amount of weight. I just made a pot of pasta. The pasta is 1pt per serving, 6 servings in the whole box, so that's only 6pts. I made my own sauce with onions, green peppers, garlic, and tomatoes; then I added 3 cans of tomato sauce, all 0pts each. So the whole pot of pasta is 6pts, STILL 1pt per serving! Then before I go to bed tonight I'm going to make a pot of chili with kidney beans, garbanzo beans, and lentils. I haven't decided if I'm going to put corn in there or not. Now I just need to go to the grocery store for produce, yogurt, and grits. Oh, and some more lentils. I have found some recipes online for different types of chili and also curry dishes; there are lentil dishes in both categories. I also need to get some sweet potatoes. So I have some ideas to get me thru the week, but I still can't see being a vegetarian. I guess I'll see how the week progresses. I might have to take my chances at cloned poultry. I just can't see giving up turkey or chicken. Beef would be easy because I only eat it about twice a month. Lamb I only eat at Ethiopian restaurants, but I can't imagine the rest of my life with no Lamb Tibs and Collard Greens. DAMN SCIENTISTS!!! Can't leave Yah's creation alone! What's wrong with plain old animals???? Why clone them in the first place, but MY GOODNESS, do they have to SELL them, too??? And FUCK YOU FDA!! How dare you even consider not labeling cloned meat????? SIMPLE ASSES. Y'all don't know the effects of eating this meat after YEARS, so WHY would y'all allow that? I'm outdone about the whole thing, really. I thought this was a no-brainer, I really did. Hell, for all I know, the mofos runnin' the FDA might be clones themselves. This might be the beginning of the (Matrix) revolution. Or we may have been eating cloned meat for who knows how long, since they cloned that sheep over in Switzerland I think it was, and that's how they know there are no effects for at least a few years. I don't know. All I know is I thought I was lettin' the meat go cuz who wants to eat a science fair experiment? But I LIKE meat. And I don't want no damn substitute, neither. Soy is aight sometimes, but NOT for the rest of my life. I need some meat in my life. I'll be cool these next 9 days or so, but after that, it's back to meat. That's how I forsee this whole thing going. I'll keep reading up on vegetarianism, and I'm reading Dr. Ornish's book, Eat More, Weigh Less (I didn't give it a chance last time because I wasn't tryna hear not eatin' meat). Maybe poultry will become to me like beef has, a couple times a month. Who am I kidding? I'm a walking stereotype: I LOVE chicken. I've already cut back on fried chicken, but I can't let go of the bird. I can't. I need to do some research and see how this cloning thing is going over in other countries. Cuz we are gettin' totally screwed over here in the States. I'm starting to wish I'd grown up on a farm and learned how to raise livestock. Hell, I also wish I woulda paid more attention when my mother and sister were in the garden cuz then now I would know how to grow my own produce. But it's not too late to learn how to do that. Ok, so that's food, lol. What a ramble.

Exercise. I have been going to Pilates. I went to my 4th class today. I'm really enjoying it!! And I can tell it's a good work-out because I am SORE the next day!!! I'm going every Sun, Tue, and Thu. After the first 10 weeks, I'll drop down to 2 days a week and do one day at home alone. But I'm going to take 30 classes at the place because I want to see if I really have a whole new body after 30 sessions. I can already tell (after only FOUR sessions) that I'm getting muscle tone in my arms and my legs. ESPECIALLY my legs. The muscles are still clearly covered in fat, but they're there. Motivation and inspiration to keep going. I've been slacking on my aerobics, though. I didn't do ANY last week. So this week, I'm shooting for 3x a week. That will be 6 days of activity, even though Pilates is "light" activity. Although I did break a sweat today. It was an awesome class! I see I'm going to love Sundays!

I don't know what I was trippin' off of . . .

WHY would I wait 8 weeks to take a Pilates class? If part of my ultimate goal is to tone my muscles, WHY would I "reward" myself with the very thing that will help me meet my goal 8 weeks into it???? That's just plain stupid. Instead, I'm going to go when I get paid. If I'm serious about making this a priority, then I need to quit being so frugal and pay for a set of classes. After doing some more internet research, I realize that the classes are not THAT expensive for the mat or the ball. It's the equipment classes that make them expensive, and I'm not ready for all that yet. At least that's how it works at the cheapest place I've found which is funny cuz that's the place I figured would be the most expensive. The truth is, it's the same price as the belly dancing classes I took (and want to start taking again). So no more waiting. Plus, I'm tired of my back hurting all the time. No time like the present. As I read thru this blog, I'm constantly not doing something I said I'd do, and I'm tired of it. So no more complaining about having a flabby body. No more complaining about not doing strength & flexibility training. NO MORE! I need to get on the ball!

Speaking of the ball (lol), I did some exercises with my stability ball the past couple days. Trying to ease back into things, I guess. Did some ab work yesterday and some squats today. Man! I'm so out of shape. I mean, I know I'm in much better shape than I used to be, don't get me wrong, but I know I still need to be in much shape than I am now. I have to admit though, I did much better on the ball this time around. Well, that can't really be true cuz I really didn't do anything all that involved with the ball. I guess I just felt more confident.

These are my confessions

When I was in Express and The Limited today, I felt terribly out of place. I felt very self-conscious as I looked for clothes, like everyone was looking at me and thinking I shouldn't be in there. Even after trying on the first size 12's, and feeling a certain sense of pride and immense JOY, I still felt like I was in a secret club I had snuck into. It was the ODDEST feeling ever. I think the problem is that I don't have the slightest idea what I look like. It's like, whether I can fit into the clothes or not, I still feel FAT. And it's some sick kind of conflict because I can tell I've lost a lot of weight and I think I look good . . . in clothes. But naked? Or in too big clothes? I don't think I look good at all. And, until today, I have been in too big clothes. So it's no wonder I don't feel as confident; I'm in a whole new skin. I know all about being a size 14-24, but going into these stores and being able to fit these sizes, well, it's gonna be an adjustment. I guess it's no different than any other change, you have to adapt. It's just that I always thought of losing weight as such a positive experience, and I never anticipated any negative or adverse feelings. But in that store earlier today, I didn't feel quite right. Still felt like I didn't belong. So weird.

MEGA MILESTONE!!!!!!!

OMG!!!!! OK! I went to the mall today for two reasons: to walk (needed the extra steps) and try on clothes and see what size I'm in. Remember my Size 14 GAP jeans? Well, I need a belt with them now. They aren't falling off and they still kinda fit, but they are a bit looser than they need to be. Especially in the back; I HATE THAT!!! Anyway, I figured it was time to try on clothes again. My first stop? Express. Guess who could fit a 12? In my very best Elle Woods voice: ME!!! I couldn't believe it. And I don't mean suck-in-the-gut fit, either, I mean FIT!!! Except they didn't have any longs, so everything I tried on was too short. No matter, cuz I wasn't buyin' nothin' anyway, but still. I love my height, but it's only an issue when I'm buying clothes. I couldn't imagine being any taller than 5'8". Where do y'all buy pants? Better yet, ankle length dresses/skirts? Shopping is the only time I'll readily admit I'm taller than the average female (I live in denial, ok?). So my next stop was the Limited. I could fit their 12's ever better than Express!!! My next stop? Bath & Body Works cuz I felt like I deserved a reward. And lemme just say, WHY are they discontinuing my FAVORITE scent?!?!?!?! Sandalwood Rose. *sigh* I'ma hafta stock up. Today I only got two lotions and a shower gel. I'ma go back next week and get more lotion. I can't believe they are discontinuing it. I can't. That is so bootleg. They don't NEVER discontinue stuff I don't like. EVER. All that flowery mess is still up in there. But my faves (strawberry lemonade, pearberry, and now sandalwood rose) always get cut. Hardly cool. Hardly. Anyway, so y'all know what came next, right?

You guessed it: THRIFTING!!! I had to go to get new clothes!!! I've been wearing the same stuff over and over just mixing it up differently and I'm bored and tired. AND I haven't been dressing like myself. Jeans all the time, and I don't even like jeans all like that, but I have to wear what fits, right? Anyway, lemme TELL y'all!!!! I got a 100% wool sweater (MEDIUM!!) for 45 cents! Ironically, it's an Express sweater. I also got two pairs of pants (one Express, one Limited, both SIZE 12!!!) for $4 each, AND they're LONG! I got an Express skirt (yep, another 12) for $4. Now ain't it a trip that I went to both of these stores and couldn't find anything to fit quite right, yet I find their stuff in the thrift store and it fits PERFECTLY!!!!! OK, what else? Another 100% wool sweater for $2.25 and yet another for $1.50. A PINK 100% wool blazer, $1.50!!!!!! Basically, I spent $45 and I got two pairs of pants, a skirt, two blazers, five sweaters (4 of them grey/charcoal grey, lol), two oxford shirts, a blouse, and two turtlenecks (one was 90 cents!). OH!!! How could I forget: a pair of black loafers (that look BARELY worn) for $1.50 and a cute little black purse for a QUARTER!!!!! (I also got a 100% wool skirt (charcoal grey, lol) for $1.50, size 12, but it doesn't really fit. Goal skirt.) Man, you couldn't get two pair of pants, hell one, really, for $45, and look at all the stuff I got! I LOVE THE THRIFT STORE!!!! I might love it as much as I love the library. Maybe. I'ma find out what day they get their shipments in because I know I can find some good bargains (Coach purses, appliances, etc) on those days.

*sigh* Last but most certainly NOT least, the scale. I got on it today and it said 178.5!!!!! I'm trying not to get TOO pumped about it, cuz it's liable to go back up, but I'ma go 'head and enjoy it, lol.

In the words of Ice Cube, today was a good day!!!

Update, goals, etc...

Well, I'm currently 181lbs (I have been up to 184 and back down since my last entry), so the scale is still moving down, praise YAH. But I'm motivated for this last stretch. I'm not sure what my final goal weight is anymore. But what I do know is this: I need to get to a "healthy" weight, and that means a BMI of 24.9 or lower. And THAT means 163.5lbs. So here's my plan: to lose 20lbs by 4/20. That will put me at 161, in about 15 weeks. I think I can do it. I've set benchmarks and a reward system as well. I will check in every 4 weeks or so, to see if I'm on target with my goal, with a small reward of some sort. Then at my midpoint (10lbs lost around 8 weeks in), I will enroll in a Pilates class. See, my rewards still have to be health related to keep me motivated and on track. Plus, Pilates classes are expensive, so I need to treat it as a real treat to appreciate it. When I reach 163.5lbs, I will have a Pre-Goal Celebration. I know it seems silly to celebrate a mere 2lbs before I get to my goal (short-term, not final), but reaching a healthy weight is SO important to me. I started this journey OBESE. I was TOO happy to become Overweight. But my whole point in all of this is the be healthy. When I reach 163.5, I will be free of all weight-related health risks. And THAT is cause for celebration!!! So I'm going to go on a Stay Healthy For Life shopping spree. Nothing too major, just buying stuff that I need to maintain my healthy lifestyle. *giggling* Who knew I'd ever even have a healthy lifestyle? Go girl!!! Anyway, on my SHFL spree (I call it my shuffle spree, lol) I'm going to buy a wok, a new knife set, measuring cups/spoons, cookbooks and other nutrition resources, a crock pot, and a wheatgrass juicer. Then when I get to 161lbs, I'm gonna have a half-day at the spa with a pedicure, full body massage, and maybe some hot stones, or something. But my goal is not just to lose 20lbs, either. My main focus is going to be toning and building some muscle. I REFUSE to be flabby and just a smaller version of my fat self. I REFUSE. So I'm seriously going to do something about it.

I'm actually excited about this last leg of my journey. I've decided to start going back to WW meetings. Here's the thing, since starting WW on 4/19, I've lost 37lbs. It's been 37 weeks, and I only attended meetings the first 12 of those. But I still lost an average of a pound a week. So I'm not going back because I'm not doing OK at it alone. I'm going back to make SURE I stay focused and to become a Lifetime member and hopefully a leader. I've decided to purchase a monthly pass because I'll get more for my money that way. For cheaper than the cost of simply attending meetings, I can attend as many meetings as I want AND get e-tools. So that's the plan.

And y'all know I'm still reading everything I can get my hands on. I have at home right now The Fat Smash Diet (which I'm actually going to give a chance, thanks Soror T!), The Good Carbohydrate Revolution, Mayo Clinic's Healthy Weight for Everybody, Mayo Clinic's Fitness for Everybody, Antioxidant Revolution, Getting Thin and Loving Food (by Chef Kathleen), Jillian Michael's book, a book called How Fat Works, Vitamins: Fundamental Aspects in Nutrition and Health, and a couple food count books by Corinne Netzer.

I went home a couple weeks ago and a friend of mine (who I've known since we were 16) saw me and said, "OMG, Monique, you are high school skinny!!" At first, I was like, whatever, girl. But after I got back home, I actually saw what she meant. It's a shame that we can't always see the progress the way someone who hasn't seen you in months can. It just made me feel really good to know that I've actually accomplished something and people can TELL. And this is a conscious effort. So it's nice to know that I'm being successful.

I guess that's it for now. Off to fitday.com to enter my food for the past week. Until next time, stay encouraged!!!

Update, I guess

Well, the scale started moving DOWN again!!!!! The week before last, I lost 4lbs! Took me to 184. Then last week, I lost 1lb, so I was 183 at the beginning of this week. Today, I was 181. I kinda had a bad day yesterday, totally overate. And I'm doing HORRIBLY with Core. I don't know if I'll be able to transition to Core like I wanted or not. I mean, I never thought I'd make the changes I've made, so I guess anything is possible. But what I know right now is that trying to eat only Core foods is HARD AS HAYLE. I'd be done with my WAP by the 3rd or 4th day of the week. And then what? But here's the thing, even when I go over my points, I'm usually still under or around 1500 calories. And it's not very often that I'll go over 2000. I have my days, but they are few and far between, like maybe twice a month. So I'm fairly proud of that. I'm SO ready to be out of the 180's. You know, it's a trip. You wait SO long just to be in ONEderland, but that high doesn't really last that long. Don't get me wrong, I am TOTALLY enjoying myself in the mirror, but it's bittersweet because I still look at the things that need to change. And I am constantly chastizing myself for not doing what I know I need to be doing. For example, I have never looked at my back before, like REALLY looked at it. So last week, I started, and you know what I noticed? My top back-fat-roll is diminishing. I got PUMPED when I noticed it. But immediately after that, I looked at the middle back-fat-roll and got mad at myself. It is still there in FULL FORCE. Now, I don't know if strength/flexibility/weight training would help or not, but if I were actually DOING it, I WOULD know. And THAT'S what ticked me off. How can I look in the mirror and have the NERVE to be disgusted by back fat when I'm not doing EVERYTHING I can to get rid of it? That's just ridamndiculous. One of the quotes I wrote in my food journal is "if you want to SEE change you have to EARN change." If I want the backfat to disappear, I need to MAKE it disappear. No more 'tools of incompetence' for THIS sista!

I have another magazine subscription that I adore. A friend of mine has a daughter who's a Girl Scout and they did a magazine drive, so I got two subscriptions and one of them was to Fitness magazine. I've never read it or even seen it, but it seemed like a good idea. I got my first issue this week and devoured it! It's FULL of good information. I like it because it doesn't focus just on weight-loss. And that's good for me because sometimes I get so caught up on that I can't see the forest for the trees. I'm trying to prevent disease and all that, but I forget that I need to tone my muscles. I NEED to. Not to look good, but they will help burn more fat, which will help me slim down faster, and be healthier faster. So why am I not doing it????? I think it might intimidate me or something. Or maybe it's cuz it's not easy. Exercising is fairly easy cuz I walk. And I like to walk. Or I dance, and I like to dance. I don't enjoy strength and flexibility training. I WANT to enjoy it, but I'm not into it all like that. Now, I want to take a Pilates class and start back taking belly dancing classes. I WANT to tone and stuff, but I don't have any motivation to DO it. I really need to get it together.

Silver lining? I'm buying a car next week. So I'll be able to go to the rec center and walk around the track. Won't be the same work-out since it's flat and no hills, but exercise is exercise. Then hopefully I'll get hired on (in February) at the place I'm working at right now cuz they have a fitness center. THEN I'll really have no excuses! I'm trying to stay positive and stop the emotional eating. The truth is, I did good yesterday. The old me would have gone and gotten a pint of ice cream and some cookies to go with it. Instead, I ate what I had at home, so I overate but it could have definitely been worse. I had some good fat, Planters NUTrition, got some tryptophan from popcorn (94%ff), but I had some bad fat, too, chocolate chip cookies. I needed somethign sweet. But it coulda definitely been worse.

I'll be back when I'm in the 170's. Reward at 175lbs!!!

At 181, I'm 36lbs away from my goal!!!!! I CAN do this!!!

Forgot a couple...

milestones/compliments. Milestone first. I fit comfortably in seats on public transportation! It used to be uncomfortable if I had to share the seat, but now it's not. I don't even look for the skinniest person to sit next to like I used to. And I forgot my friend told me that my face looks skinny (or skinnier, I forget what she said exactly). So Kudos to me! :)

Also, I was wrong about maintaining. I LOST A POUND LAST WEEK!! I don't know if I mentioned that I'd bought a scale, but I did. I weigh myself at least once a week (ok, ok, sometimes I do it daily, what can I say? I'm obsessed.) and document it in my food journal, just as if I were weighing in at WW. I'm at 188. I was at 189 last week. So maybe I'm getting it together. What I DO know is that I was at 186 and I'd like to get out of the 180's. Maybe I should start making small goals. I'm trying not to focus so much on losing weight, but making changes in my habits that I can actually stick to. So I guess with all the experimenting and whatnot I haven't been as focused on the weight coming off. But clearly if I'm on the scale every day I MUST be concerned. Dunno what to say about that. What I know is that I don't want to be all strict and everything with my food intake. I'm not dieting, so why should I? But I'm still out of habit and eating too many calories. I'm doing OK so far this week. I think the problem is the lack of exercise. But when am I going to fit it in? I wake up at 5am already and am out the the door by 6am. I don't get back home until almost 8pm, then I relax and get ready to do it all again the next day. I barely have time to eat dinner (or cook it since I haven't been cooking all my meals on sundays) let alone exercise. And I have videos at home from the library! I make sure I keep some on hand. But I am doing HORRIBLE at adding activity to my days. I must get better. Even the Curves circuit training is only 30mins three days a week. I should be able to manage that, right? Hmph, I guess I'm lazy. But I'll get it together. Really, when you think about it, what's the rush? If I maintain or lose a little here an there during the winter, and then start back up strong when the weather breaks, so what? Why am I so focused on the goal DATE? I want to be healthy, and I guess I want to do it as fast as possible so that I can maintain my good health. I dunno, I guess I'm rambling.

That's all for today. I'm tired and ready to be at home. While I'll be glad when I no longer have to catch the bus, I wonder how it will affect my activity. I'm sure I'll have less steps. *sigh* Cross that bridge when we get to it. I'm just glad that in the midst of all this turmoil I haven't eaten myself in the ground. THAT'S an accomplishment!!!

Toodles!

Update (mini-milestone included)

Well, the holiday has come and gone. And while I didn't really do well, I didn't totally blow it, either. I only ate once on Thanksgiving, but I ate enough for 2 people. And it was GOOD!!! The day after, I went to Ponderosa (it's been TOO long since I've been there) and ate enough for about THREE people! Bad, right? I know. And I drank both nights, too. No exercise, even though I took home a video. Friday night I got sick. I thought it was from drinking, but I think I caught a virus from my great-nephews because me, my sister, and my neice were all sick. I was SO scared to get on the scale when I got back home. But I maintained! I neither gained nor lost!!! So that's why I say I didn't totally blow it. I walked for about 20mins yesterday since it was so nice out. I also took the stairs at work, TWICE! I work on the 5th floor. I always take them down, but yesterday I took them up as well both times. I'm kinda proud of that. I figure I gotta do whatever I can, y'know?

I was getting home late from work last week every day, so I didn't cook dinner ONCE! I ate ate work every day. Too much money and too many calories. I tried to keep it in check, but that's not so easy. I'm still writing down everything that goes in my mouth and I'm still entering it into FitDay.com. For the past month or so I've just been maintaining. Which I guess isn't a bad thing, but I need to get back on track with WW. I decided to transition to Core instead of the Flex plan. MAN!! Some days are ok and others are like WHOA! It's gonna be an adjustment, but it needs to be done. I'm getting so much better with portion control, but seriously, since I had to drop down in points (from 26 to 24), I find it harder to stay within my points. So I figured I'd try Core. I still keep track of my points, but I also keep track of what's Core and where I would be with WAP if I were strictly doing Core. I have no idea what I'ma cook for dinner tonight (and lunch tomorrow). I need to go to the grocery store, but I don't feel like it; not til the weekend, prolly. So I have to make do with what I have. I guess chicken is the easiest thing to make, huh? We'll see. I might make some tuna fish and call it a day.

As far as my inches, I'm still losing. OH!! How could I forget?! I went thrifting!!! I have two things I'm VERY pleased about. 1) I bought a pair of GAP drawstring pants. Kinda big in the legs, but they fit in the waist: SIZE MEDIUM!!!! WHOA!! and 2) I also got a pair of Liz Clairborne pants (and I know designer clothes run a size smaller than they really are but SO WHAT) and they are a SIZE 12!!!!!!! SIZE 12!!!!! WOOWHOOOOOO!!!!!! Now I need to invest in some new bras cuz I need some and cuz all of mine are too big, in teh cup AND in the back.

I received plenty of compliments at home and i'm going to list them quickly:

1) My sister said, "Ooh, gettin' slim-n-trim!!"
2) Her grandmother (we have different fathers) didn't recognize me and said it was because LAST time she saw me, I was LARGE.
3) My cousin said, "Are you losing weight?"
4) Her son said, "Damn, you slimmin' down? You slimmin' down!!"
5) And my best friend said I finally look like I have a butt!!!! YAY!!!! You know it's sad when fat can actually HIDE body parts.

That's all for now, more soon, I hope. As always, stay encouraged!!!

I simply said, albeit VERY cheerfully, "Thanks for noticing!"

Mini Milestone

How excited am I?! I tuck in all my shirts!!!!! I can't believe I don't have to leave my shirts untucked anymore!!! Even though I had a bad week last week (my period is a TRIP), I can still tuck my shirt in and THAT'S motivation!!!!! I've also been slacking with making lunch, so I'm wasting money AND calories. No more of that after this week.

I look GOOD!!! I love catching my reflexion in the mirror or windows as I walk past. I can't WAIT to see how good I look once I reach goal! I mean, I have my moments, definitely. At one point today I went to the bathroom and thought, you've lost about 60lbs, and you are still fat. BUT, not for long!!! It's like I can't see the old me, all I see is the new me and the new me is overweight and needs to lose at least 30lbs (shooting for 40 more, but I don't wanna look crazy, so I'ma see how I look as I get smaller and smaller).

Well, that's it!!! Until the next weigh-in or milestone . . . STAY ENCOURAGED!!!

Still losing!!!

I had to go out and get a scale. I won't be able to go to TOPS meetings due to a work conflict, so I need to be able to weigh myself. I was afraid to get on the scale because of the binging and whatnot. But I needn't have worried: I'm at 186lbs!!! I can't believe it, but the weight just keeps coming off. Thanks to FitDay.com, I know that I'm consistently burning more calories than I eat each day. So I guess that's why I'm still losing. Know what I thought about today? How much better would I look if I was exercising consistently? I'm losing all this weight and I still look fat and flabby. I need to really get it together. So I also got a resistance tube so I could start circuit training. I noticed in the mirror that my stomach has the two vertical lines on each side, you know, where my abs are supposed to be. I decided that I want a six-pack! And the only way to get it is to commit to being more active and doing activity that builds muscle. After all of this, I really do wanna look as good as I feel. I only did one exercise video last week. This week, I'm challenging myself to do the videos THREE days and circuit training THREE days. CHALLENGE!!!

What a week! Whew!

Ok, so I started a new job this week. When I say it took ALL my energy, it took it ALL. I'm up at 5am and not home until 6:30pm (at the earliest), and by then, I'm EXHAUSTED! It doesn't help that I'm an insomniac. My goal is to be in bed by 9pm. Anyway, I didn't cook a single thing all week! And I only walked ONCE. SAD!!! I ate HORRIBLY, too. Only drank one glass of fresh juice. I only packed my lunch once. One day I got a healthy lunch, but still, I have got to do better. Three days last week, I ate fried, fatty foods for lunch. Unacceptable. So I came up with a plan.

Food. Each Sunday, I'm going to make dinner and lunch for the WHOLE week. That way, I don't have to worry about cooking or anything during the week. I will have time to make a glass of juice in the morning, exercise for 30mins in the evening, and make a glass of fresh juice to drink before dinner. I have to get back on track. This week, I'm making pasta (using whole wheat pasta, ground turkey, and turkey italian sausage) and red beans and yellow rice. With two meals, I can switch up during the week and not get bored with my choices. I will also keep salad made so that I can have a side salad with my lunch and dinner each day. And I'll snack on fruit and veggies.

Exercise. Ok, so walking for an hour just might not happen. I know I said I'd keep walking in the cold, but it just may not happen. I'm too tired to commit to that just yet. BUT, I can still do the Curves style circuit training (30mins, 3x/wk) and aerobic videos (30mins, 3x/wk). I will MAKE 30 minutes to exercise each day. NO EXCUSES!!!!! I'm at the library now and the first thing I did was pick up 6 exercise videos!

Accountability. I bought the cutest little notebook to use as my food journal. It's pink and green and just cute. :) I got it on the 18th and I began to use it on the 18th, even though I wasn't eating well. I ate horribly all week, but I still wrote everything down. AND I signed up at www.fitday.com. I LOVE this site!!! I can enter my food intake and activity each day and see the breakdown of how many calories I've eaten, what percentage comes from fat, carb, and protein, how much saturated/polyunsat/monounsat fat, whether or not I'm getting my RDA of vitamins and minerals, and reports of calories eaten vs calories burned. It helps me to stay on track, not just with how many points I'm eating, but whether or not I'm eating the RIGHT stuff. I love it! And I'll tell you what, even when I binge, I'm still burning more calories than I eat. I totally forgot about my basal metabolic rate. Totally forgot that my body burns calories on its own. THAT'S why I'm still losing weight and inches. But I have to give my body the nutrients it needs and that's where fitday comes in to play. I've been keeping track of my points, and man, I've been eating too much. I've already gone thru all of my WAP and I still have 3 days to go! It's so true, when you don't write stuff down, you lose track of what you've eaten. And I'm gonna start my period this week, too?! So you can imagine what I've been eating. Friday night I ate a pint of ice cream. 1/2 of one kind and 1/2 of another. That was dinner. How sad is that? Then yesterday I ate 7 wingdings (21pts) and LOTS of bread. So now I have to enter that into fitday (the best way I can for the bread sticks). But the good news is, today is a NEW day. All that bad eating is BEHIND me! I can move forward starting today.

Now, even though I didn't eat well and I didn't exercise like I should have, there WERE things that I think I did well last week. On Monday, there was an ice cream social. Free ice cream, as much as you wanted (people were taking ice cream home, ok?) Monique didn't eat ANY! Then they had a BAKE SALE!!! Did I buy anything? Yup - an apple. It was HUGE and DELICIOUS!!! I didn't buy any snacks from the vending machine all week (save some Sun Chips for my lunch on Tuesday). Our trainer brought in coffee cake at the beginning of the week. I didn't have any. Then on Friday, she brough in brownies. I didn't have any of those, either. So even though I did bad all by myself, it could have been considerably worse!

I'll update on how I do this week! Since I'm planning ahead, I should be aight!!!

Mini update

Herbs & Gardening. Ok, so this gardening thing is a little more than I thought it would be. I mean, I only wanted to grow herbs. But I can't start them in the fall/winter. I figure I'll read and research during these seasons, do some little projects at home (I got a couple gardening books for kids and they have some projects in them), and by the time spring gets here, I'll be ready to plant some stuff. Now, I did see some herb plants at the grocery store, mint and something else, so I think I'll get those and just put them in actual pots. That's a start. If I can keep them alive, I know I can grow some stuff. I'm still going to grow and juice wheatgrass. I don't have to wait until spring to do that. And from what I'm reading, it seems really easy to grow; only takes about 7 days. So I figure I'll finish reading The Wheatgrass Book (by Ann Wigmore), buy a wheatgrass juicer off of Ebay, and get started growing in a month or so. Man, that stuff sounds POWERFUL!!! I used to silently mock folks who went into juice bars getting shots of random stuff. Who KNEW I'd end up one of these natural fanatics. Well, I'm not a fanatic, I'm just trying to be the healthiest I can be. More on that later.

Juicing. I'm doing it! Two glasses of fresh juice each day! I LOVE carrot-apple juice! Today I added some pineapple and it was DELICIOUS!!! My evening juices will always be green vegetables with some carrot and apple to give it some sweetness and make it easier to digest. I've moved my juicer from the baker's rack to the counter. With it in my view all the time, it's hard to forget to use it. And I have little to no counter space, but I'm making it work. I've been thinking about moving so that I have a better (bigger, more cabinet & counter space) kitchen, but I REALLY destest moving. I also wanted to save money on rent, but I just don't have it in me to move right now. That's too exhausting of a task and I'm already mentally and emotionally drained. So for now I'm staying put, little kitchen and all.

Books. I love them!!! I am learning SO much just from reading. My latest faves? The fat-free cooking books by Sandra Woodruff. I'm going to try a couple of her recipes today. I'm pretty excited about it. Even bread, and I've never made homemade bread in my life; that's my middle sister's forte. Tonight it's gonna be oven-fried chicken and cornbread. Little to no fat!!! And I'm making my own ovenfry stuff, not store-bought. I may even make a chocolate cake. I plan to buy all of her books off of Amazon when I get a little extra cash. Also, these juicing books. A wealth of information, so I'm gonna get a couple of those off Amazon, too. And a must-have is the Wellness Foods A-Z; I absolutely HAVE to have this book!!! I can't keep checking it out from the library. It tells not just about food, but also vitamins and minerals. It's a resource I must have.

Exercise. I'm still walking. Not every day, but about 3 times a week for an hour each time. That's just a minimum, though. I mean, they say walk for 30mins 6 times a week. But I think that's for everybody and to lose weight I need to do a little more. So I'm gonna get back on it. I'm proud of myself, though. I have been going through hell mentally and emotionally the past few months and I have NOT let it interrupt this!!! Normally, I give up, but not this time. In the midst of absolute crisis and chaos, I've kept walking. I think I've accomplished a life change. Now if I don't walk, I actually MISS it! Still need to get it together with the strength and flexibility training. I really like the Curves workout (as outlined in the curves book to do at home). So on the days that I don't walk, that's what I'm going to do. I have to get a jump rope and a new 4ft resistance band. Then it's on! And it's only 30mins, so I have time for that. It's cold today, about 49 degrees, but I still walked! Can't gain weight cuz it's cold outside is what I keep telling myself. So I i have on two pairs of pants, a tshirt, and two sweatshirts. Works for me! And when it gets colder, I'll add thermals and a turtleneck and of course some type of jacket. NOTHING will keep me from my goal.

TOPS. Still haven't joined. I honestly haven't had the extra cash to do so. I started to just join and worry about money later, but I figured, I've been doing well by myself for the past few months, I can hold out a little longer. But I still want to join (NEED to join) because I like the accountablity and support of a weight-loss group and I like being able to weigh in each week to see where I'm at. I just have to figure out how their dues work. If I have to pay again in January, I'ma just wait 'til then. But if my dues are based on when I join, I'm joining as soon as I have $26 extra.

So that's where I'm at right now. Stay encouraged!!!

Bad news - BINGE!!

Yup, I'm in the midst of a binge. Let's see. Friday night I ate a whole can of cashews. I felt horrible on Saturday, but not so bad that I didn't keep eating. I ordered a pizza and ate the whole thing. It was a small, six slices, but still, I ate the WHOLE thing. In two sittings. And some cheese sticks. From Papa John's. Not to mention the cheese was probably unclean. I have to do better. Today I ate a .99 bag of Doritos and a .99 bag of mini Oreos. I don't know what's wrong with me. While I'm coming up with these meals and anticipating getting back on the bandwagon FOR REAL, I'm falling off big time. But I'm conscious of it and I won't let it get out of hand. I know I don't want to do this, though, because I feel constipated and bloated. Ugh, I just don't feel well. And I know why, so I know how to avoid this feeling.

That's one of the reasons I'm looking into this juice fasting stuff so tough - I know I need to cleanse my system. I know I do. But I'm going to let the juice do it for me. We'll see.

More research

Ok, so I've been reading on juicing and fruits and vegetables and detoxification. I've learned so much. One of the things I've been thinking about is growing my own herb garden. Well, there's no better time to start than the present. I figure I can teach myself how to do it buy getting books and reading so I came to the library to get started. I start a new job next week and want everything in place before that life-change commences. I've already come up with plenty of meal ideas (over 30 for dinner and a few for breakfast and lunch), so I don't have to worry about that. But I'm planning on going grocery shopping this week to get the things I'll need for the next week or two. I'm seriously committed to juicing, so I need to learn about some herbs and different sprouts, namely wheatgrass. I want to see what I can grow in the kitchen and what I can grow on my balcony, even though it's about to get cold. I don't have a window in my kitchen; I hope that doesn't pose a problem. I only have a few more days off and I want to maximize this time for learning and making changes, if need be.

I don't know if I'm going to do a fast or not, but I'm definitely adding two glasses of fresh juice each day. And I'm going to make them WORK for me!!

I found so many great recipes! I can't wait to try them out! Who knew that I would get addicted to cooking and stuff?! Gardnening?? Me?! Amazing! But I can't wait to start. I guess these are my newest hobbies.

More on this later...

Where I'm at now

I haven't really been updating this like I should. I do still keep my weight-loss journal at home, so I'm keeping track of everything, but still. Anyway, here's where I'm at...

WW will always be the foundation of my weight-loss plan, whatever it may be at the moment. Like right now, I'm not counting points (per se), but I pay attention to portion sizes and I *think* about how many points I'm consuming whenever I eat. It just dawned on me a couple days ago that I now have to eat FEWER points. I was a little miffed at first, but not like I didn't know this was coming. I understand that the smaller I get, the less fuel my body will need to run. I get that and all. But I'm overweight because I have a food addiction, so eating FEWER points still poses a problem to me. I JUST got acclimated to eating 26pts, now I'm down to 24. BUT the flip side of it is I'm still earning activity points and I still have those 35 WAP, so I'm good to go. But WW and the Points system will never be far from me. They help me to regulate what I eat and how much of it I eat at one time. I may not be attending my meetings, but I still get my magazine and I still have all of my WW tools from the 12 weeks I did attend meetings. That being said...

I'm researching again. I talked to a soror and she happened to mention detox. This is the second time it's come up in our conversations, so I figured I'd research it a little bit. And I don't mean taking any pills from GNC, I mean natural detoxification. Clearly, I have no idea what that entails, but I'm trying to steer clear of foreign substances. Not to mention, most pills or capsules are made with gelatin, and I can't eat pork in any form, so that's out. And speaking of not eating pork, what I know is helping me is following the dietary law set forth by our Creator. He lays it all out for us in Leviticus 11. I've been following this law for about 3 years now, but I'm constantly learning new foods that are unclean because they contain pork by-products. It dawned on me that if I was more conscientious in paying attention to ingredients and faithfully following YAH's dietary law, I'd be A LOT healthier! Anyway, that was all off topic, but important nonetheless. So I decided to get some books on detoxification while I was here at the library. I am checking out books I've already read but want to read again, and then books I've never read at all. Here's what I have:

1. The Detox Diet by Elson M. Haas, M.D. - I read the introduction and a little bit of each of the first few chapters. Very interesting and informative. Taking it home to get a better understanding of who needs, why, and when to detox. It even includes a detox diet. This has more to do with health than with weight-loss, but apparently has weight-loss effects.
2. Juice Fasting and Detoxification by Steve Meyerowitz - I picked this up because I haven't been juicing and I wanted to get back into it. Again, more for health benefits than for weight-loss.
3. The Juiceman's Power of Juicing by Jay Kordich - I read some of this when I first got my juicer and wanted to learn about juicing. I figured I may as well pick it up again.
4. Weight Loss That Lasts by James M. Rippe, M.D. & Weight Watchers - Why not? Just to keep me on my toes, give me a little extra motivation, and maybe I'll learn something that you don't get in meetings. A refresher course, if you will.
5. Mayo Clinic Healthy Weight for Everybody - Heard lots of good things about the Mayo Clinic. Turns out, the whole Mayo Clinic Diet is a myth, doesn't exist. But I figured I'd still read the book because they are touted to be experts. Might learn something.
6. FitFood, Eating Well for Life by Ellen Haas - I'm currently reading Superfoods Rx (for the 2nd time) and Superfoods HealthStyle, both by Dr. Steven Pratt. FitFood lists 21 fit foods, their advantages, and recipes using them. Very similar to the 14 Superfoods, so I figured I'd pick it up and compare and see if there is anything new in there that I haven't read before.
7. Wellness Foods A to Z by Sheldon Margen, M.D. - I've had this book before and I just had to pick it up again. It's like an encyclopedia of all foods and their nutritional benefits. It's fascinating. Nothing you could read cover to cover, but I would love to own this one day. In the meantime, I can keep getting it for FREE from the library. :)

So that's where I'm at right now. What I've come to realize is that if I focus on my HEALTH and not my looks, I get a lot farther. I don't want heart disease and I refuse to get it. I REFUSE. So I'm all about what I eat. I read in one of these books that 3 out of the 4 top reasons for disease have to do with how we eat. How crazy is that? All we have to do to ensure that we are healthy and remain healthy is EAT RIGHT?! Yet we don't do it. Damn all that. If that's all I have to do to ensure I don't follow in my parents' footsteps, I'M ON IT!!! I'm also trying to add new and different foods to my diet. I'm guilty of eating the same things all the time. It's not that I don't like what I eat or that I'm getting bored, it's just that I'm missing out on nutrients from other foods. So I'm broadening my horizons, which is hard for me because I'm a VERY picky eater. And I DON'T like vegetables. But I've decided to eat to live and not live to eat. I should not eat food simply because I like how it tastes, but because it's good for me and will have lasting effects on my health in the long run. That's what's important. If it's just THAT bad, then I'll juice it. Plus, I figure I don't have to eat whatever vegetable it is by itself, I can incorporate it into a recipe and still reap the nutritional benefits from it. I'm growing. Who knew?!

Another book I have at home right now is Cooking Thin With Chef Kathleen by Kathleen Daelmanns. It's a cookbook, with some decent recipes, but what I love about it even more is that before she even gets into the recipes, she gives tips on weight-loss. It's REALLY great and I'd recommend it to anyone.

So what have I learned? This has nothing to do with a "diet." I'm not on a "diet." I'm simply changing my eating habits and becoming more active. That's all. The changes I've made and am currently making will be a part of my lifestyle forever. That's why I can't do anything drastic - I know I'm not going to stick to it, so there's no sense in doing it now. Plus, I'm all about my health. Drastic diets focus on weight-loss, and while that's all well and good, what about my health?

So that's where I'm at!

Next up: Curves and limiting carbs, low-fat baking... Stay tuned...