Friday, January 05, 2007
These are my confessions
When I was in Express and The Limited today, I felt terribly out of place. I felt very self-conscious as I looked for clothes, like everyone was looking at me and thinking I shouldn't be in there. Even after trying on the first size 12's, and feeling a certain sense of pride and immense JOY, I still felt like I was in a secret club I had snuck into. It was the ODDEST feeling ever. I think the problem is that I don't have the slightest idea what I look like. It's like, whether I can fit into the clothes or not, I still feel FAT. And it's some sick kind of conflict because I can tell I've lost a lot of weight and I think I look good . . . in clothes. But naked? Or in too big clothes? I don't think I look good at all. And, until today, I have been in too big clothes. So it's no wonder I don't feel as confident; I'm in a whole new skin. I know all about being a size 14-24, but going into these stores and being able to fit these sizes, well, it's gonna be an adjustment. I guess it's no different than any other change, you have to adapt. It's just that I always thought of losing weight as such a positive experience, and I never anticipated any negative or adverse feelings. But in that store earlier today, I didn't feel quite right. Still felt like I didn't belong. So weird.