Oh yeah

The Crystal Phillips Book is called The Me I Knew I Could Be (One woman's journey from 292 pounds to peace, happiness, and healthy living).

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0312252269/sr=8-2/qid=1150827365/ref=pd_bbs_2/002-8757616-6852805?%5Fencoding=UTF8

GREAT book!!

I SAW MY COLLAR BONE TODAY!!!

Ok, so on Friday me and my coworkers all went bowling and we took lots of pictures. Well, my boss showed us the pics today and guess what?! I CAN SEE MY COLLAR BONE!!! I was SO excited!!! I hadn't even noticed that I normally couldn't see it until I actually SAW it! I have nothing else to say. I'm just super excited about ALL of this!!!!

THANK YOU WW!!!

It's a great day!!!

Ok, so even after yesterday's blog, I had some issues this morning. Oh, I have so much to say, lol. Bookmark the Crystal Phillips book. Ok, so this morning. I was getting dressed and put on my denim shorts. My OLD denim shorts. They're a size 20. I tried to talk myself into wearing them. But they were hanging off of me and I could see my underwear. It's too hot to wear jeans. So I had to put on my new shorts. They're a size 16 (much to my dismay, but I guess some stuff is cut differently), but they fit really well. After I put them on, I wanted to put on a big tshirt that would hang off of me, too. I literally had to talk to myself, aloud, to make sure I put on something flattering to my new figure. So I put on a new tank top. I look cute, but it took a lot to get out of the door this morning. But I did it. And . . .

I've gotten compliments all day and it's barely 11:30AM!! :-D The first came as I was dropping off clothes and books at the thrift store. One of the guys that unloaded my car tried to hit on me! I wasn't interested, but it made me feel good and not uncomfortable! Then when I got to work one of my coworkers told me that she noticed I'd lost weight and that I looked nice in my summer clothes! I'm so glad I decided to step outside of my comfort zone and wear them! She said she'd been noticing but wasn't sure how to compliment me on it. And here it was I thought no one was noticing. But then again, how could they when I was hiding it in my clothes?!

I'm ecstatic!!! :-D I can't stop looking at my chair now that I can see the sides! THIS IS A GREAT FEELING!!! I'm sticking to something I started and I'm seeing progress!!! I'M PROUD OF MYSELF!!!

Time for another reward!!!

:-D

What I need to work on

Ok, so now it's time to get grounded. Yeah, three posts in one day. Only slightly obsessed.

Ok, I'm not eating well, I'm eating empty nutrients. I need to eat more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. So what I'm going to try to do this week is eat only Core foods. I'm still going to use my points, because I'm sure I'd misjudge portion sizes. But someone said in the Serious WW group that it would be a good way to make sure that I'm not just staying in my points, but that I'm eating the RIGHT foods. Well, she wasn't talking to me, but her advice applies to me all the same. So that's the plan. We'll see how it goes.

I need to add in resistance exercises (weight training). I've been doing a little bit, but not consistently and not enough. So I need to work on adding that and to start, I'm going to shoot for twice a week.

I need to consistently do my ab exercises. Especially my obliques. I can't complain about a fat belly and fat rolls if I don't put muscle in that area instead.

I need to drink more water. Period.

I need to walk more. Right now, I'm only walking 2-3 days a week for an hour each time. I need to get up to 4-5 times a week, then 6 times a week.

Ok, so if I keep doing what I've been doing and work on these things, too, I should see some better results. We'll see.

I can SEE the changes!

Ok, I need to document the changes that I'm noticing.

1. I can see my waist. I mean, there is a clear indentation around my midsection. I HAVE A WAIST!!!!
2. I have no problem touching my toes.
3. When I sit in my office chair, with my knees together, I can see some of the chair!!!
4. I can cross my legs at the knees with no effort. I don't have to lift or pull or push, just cross. :)
5. Mobility during intimate acts is much better! I can be lifted and moved!!!

I'm so excited!!! It really is the little things. I can't stop smiling. And this actually makes me WANT to exercise. Who knew I'd ever get to this point? I definitely didn't, but I'm SO glad I'm here!

Insecurities??? Who left the gate open???

Ok, I need to talk about this and get it out of my system. I am not working hard to lose this weight only to hide my progress. So lemme just put some stuff out there.

I am 32 years old. I am a size 14. The last time I was a size 14 I was 18 years old. I think I'm pretty. I think I'm sexy, too. I LOVE to get compliments and I LOVE to take pictures! This sounds like the making of someone who'd be overjoyed with her new size and ability to fit into new clothes. Well, I am, when I'm in the comfort of my own apartment. I LOVE to try on the clothes I got at the thrift store. I love marveling how they simply fit. But the thought of wearing them out of the house terrifies me. I did it this week, though. I wore my capris the other day, mostly because I need to do laundry. But I realized that I did feel comfortable and I got compliments, so I must not have been looking crazy.

That's the first insecurity: do I really look good in this size or am I delusional because I want so badly to look good in this size? Now, the reason I know it's an insecurity is because I HAVE a mirror. I know I look fine in this stuff. But still, I obsess about it. Especially the miniskirt. Now, I have a size 16 miniskirt that I have no problem wearing. I've never had a problem wearing short skirts because even fat, I have nice legs! So WHY am I nervous about this new size 14 miniskirt???

You know what I think? I think it's because I feel like I'll attract more attention since I'm smaller. And more attention makes me nervous. It makes absolutely no sense. I'm single. I WANT to attract the attention of men. I need my ego stroked just like anyone else. Yet and still, this is kinda unchartered territory for me.

I'm stuck in some sick middle. I've lost 46lbs from my largest weight (247). I still have 46lbs to go until I'm at a healthy weight (155). So I am LITERALLY in the middle. Yes, I've lost a considerable amount of weight. BUT, I still have considerably more to lose. I guess it's hard for me to totally embrace the weight-loss because I'm still constantly thinking about how much more I have to lose. And not in an overwhelming sense, just a reminding sense.

So I guess that makes me second-guess how I look. It's such a conundrum for me. On the one hand, I feel like I look GREAT compared to how I used to look. And I'm EXCITED about how much I've lost and the changes I see (which I'll point out in the next post). However, I don't think I look great without doing a comparison. If I just look at myself, and forget what I USED to look like, I'm not at all happy with what I see. So it's hard for me to reconcile these two. Love the loss, but clearly cognizant that I have just as much to go as I've already lost.

So this weekend, I'm donning the miniskirt! I don't know where I'm going, but it'll be in that skirt!!! I'm gonna get outta this habit of trying to hide my body. I've been wearing loose fitting clothes for so long, I'm tired of hiding!!! Each time I find myself trying to hide the new me, I'm going to force myself to reveal her! And I can always remember, this new me is only temporary, but for now, I LOVE HER!!!!!

YAY!!! YAY!!! YAY!!!

So tonight was WI night and I lost 7.2lbs!!!!!!! Ok, when my leader asked what I did, I wasn't completely truthful. Yes, I walked this week. Yes, I stayed within my points. No, I did NOT wear jeans this week. But the truth is there were some days I didn't eat all of my points. Not on purpose (I only skip meals when I'm broke), but because I was doing a lot of running around and didn't take food with me. Instead of eating something that I don't know the point value, I'd rather just not eat until the next day. Also, I was on my period last week, so I'm sure I was retaining a lot of water.

WHATEVER the reason, I'm happy as HAYLE with the loss!!!!!!! My weight is now 201lbs!!!! I'm only 1.1lb away from ONEderland!! I'm SO excited!!! I can't WAIT until my weight doesn't start with the number 2! Can.not.wait!!! I'm at a total loss of 17.2lbs!!! I was so happy to get my third 5pt gold star! WW is just damn awesome!!! It works!

I found a new park to walk at! It's close to home and it has some hills so it gives me a good workout. I'm almost done with another book; I only have two cd's left, so that means two days. Then I'll start The Cell by Stephen King.

I'm just so happy I don't know what to do!!! I can't celebrate like I want to because this check all goes to bills. But still, I'm so proud of me!!!!!!! I'm proud of me for sticking to this!!! I'm proud that I haven't given up! I'm getting used to my new body! I'm getting more comfortable with the compliments that I get! This week, I wore my new capris and was comfortable in them!!! I didn't feel self-conscious at all!!! I am comfortably, completely and totally, in a size 14. Now, my 14Longs from the GAP still don't fit the way I want them to. Maybe in four more weeks, we'll see. But everything else from the thrift store fits fine! I guess stuff didn't fit the week I bought it because that was the week before my period. I've learned that I must carry the most water and be the most bloated that week. I also noticed that that is the week that I binge the most. So this coming month, I'm going to make sure that I have meals planned for the week before my period and the week of. I'm also going to force myself to walk even on those days. My period usually puts me DOWN, but I'm determined not to let the cramps and discomfort keep me from my daily activity.

I guess that's all I need to say. The truth is I could go on for days about my excitement. Maybe I'll blog more tomorrow!

Was 247, Now 201 and I won't stop, I can't stop!!!!!!!

Whew...

It's still a Zero. I did gain 2lbs, though. I honestly don't feel so bad about it. And I'm not sure why. My clothes still feel looser. I still FEEL thinner. And I STILL have no desire to go back to where I was. So I know I'm not giving up, and maybe that's why I don't feel so bad. I had a bad week, but that's in the past, so I'm not going to dwell on it. I'm going to continue to focus on staying on plan and continuing to exercise.

Tonight I'm going to look thru my journal and figure out when I binge the most. I'm thinking it's the week before my period, but I'm going to check and see. I also don't like exercising when I'm on my period. I have to get out of that, but I don't even want to MOVE let alone exercise. I've got to get better on that front.

I wore jeans to my WI last night cuz I didn't stop at home. Normally I wear sweats or something like that. I guess jeans are pretty heavy because ALL three of the receptionists (including my leader) commented on the fact that I was wearing jeans. So from now on, I'm going to wear the same thing each week. Maybe a lot of my gain was because I'm bloated as all get out and I had on jeans. Oh, and the fact that I didn't stay on plan last week? Keep it real, Monique. At any rate, I hope the scale goes back down next week.

Emailed a lady about racewalking. Hopefully I'll hear from her soon. I've never been a competitive athelete, and I don't know that I want to compete. I probably won't, but I DO want to use it to intensify my workouts. We'll see.

It's so weird. I am feeling gross and fat and bloated, BUT I still felt thinner this morning. So I decided to try on my goal-jeans that I got at the thrift store last week. Maybe I'm much more bloated the week before my period than when I'm actually on. I dunno. The fact that I've just now started paying attention to this is tripped out. So much so I'm not even gon' focus on it. Anyway, I tried on the jeans, and they fit better than they did last week. I am convinced: periods are evil. I'm not going to have to wait until fall to wear those jeans. My goal? July 12th. That is a little more than a month from now. The jeans are from the GAP, a size 14 tall. And it trips me out that 14s at other stores are smaller than 14s at LB or AS. WTF is that about? You get all excited that you can fit a 14, you go to Lerners to try on 14s over there, and they don't fit. Only to have a sales rep say, "You do know we carry 16s?" If I wanted to wear a 16, I'd go back to Lane Bryant, thank you very much. Ugh. It made me remember why I didn't shop at the GAP when I COULD fit their clothes. They are not made for my body. I don't know if they'll ever fit quite right, but I know that by next month, I'ma be sportin' them jeans! I know that! :)

I cannot believe that I gained TWO pounds and I'm still on some diet high.

Weird-O.

Weigh-In Night

And I am not looking forward to it. I've gone over my points EVERY day this week. Each and every single one. I have only walked three times (twice in one day). I didn't get up this morning to walk. Too tired. Crampy, just all around irritable. Which is MORE the reason I shoulda got my ass up and went walkin'. Now it's raining. I am SO sick of rain. So I guess after my meeting tonight, I'll go to the rec and walk on the indoor track. Which I hate. Time flies faster when I walk outside. Goin' around that track just draaaaaaags out the time. BUT, I might be able to work on my speed there since there are no hills. I wanted to do this entry to make myself feel good in case I gained this week. So let's see...

I have not given up. I still walk. I still keep my food journals. I actually cooked more than once this week. I bought a juicer and have made two delicious juices this week. I am researching racewalking and leaning toward taking it up. I'm still GOING to the meeting. Broke, but still going to the meeting. I'm on my period, so I'm bloated and probably retaining plenty of water because it's not like I've drank any.

Ok, no more excuses. Look tomorrow for a report of how much I've gained. I just hope my second number is still a Zero.

More motivation: Racewalking

So I get up again this morning (and before the alarm went off, go me!!) and as soon as I turn the corner out of my complex, the batteries in my discman go out! Argh! So I did my whole walk just thinking, mostly about health and weight loss. I'm reading this book by Courtney Rubin called The Weight Loss Diaries. I'm almost done and it's a really good book! I can relate to SO much of what she says. Anyway, she trains for and runs a marathon. I would love to do something like that. I don't want to run a marathon, though. I don't like to run, never have. But I want to have a goal to all this walking besides just losing weight. Something to work towards. I was thinking this morning how to stay motivated through this because it is hard work. And I was also thinking of how to keep my pace/speed. And also at what point should I increase my pace? Should I keep pace or try to when I'm going up hills (these hills ain't no joke)? So many questions. My answer to myself this morning? "You're doin' good to be out here walkin', so stick to this for now." Which is fine and everything, but I'm not gonna get carried away! I have to walk six days a week regardless, so I might as well train for something. It will make my aerobic work-out better and I bet I'll stay more focused. So I'm going to look into Race Walking. If I'm not mistaken, one of the rec centers that I go to has a RW class so I'm gonna look into that. I hope it's free.

One of my reasons for this journey is that I want to accomplish something. I am setting a goal and I plan to reach it, no matter what. I'm going to work as hard as I can to attain my goal. It's been so long since I've done something like this for ME. I work hard for other people all the time. It's time I worked hard for ME. So this week is going to be all about juicing and walking. I'm still reading the juicing books. I'll have to see if I can find any on race walking. Lemme take a looksie at the library. :)

Perseverance

I woke up today and went walking. Yesterday, I felt horrible about not having exercised for a week. I've never actually felt bad before. I felt bad yesterday. So I got up today and did something about it.

I had a bad weekend food-wise, but it was a learning experience. I learned that I am not ready to have sweet treats in the house. Lemme tell y'all what happened. Last week I decided that it was time to learn moderation. I bought a box of Nabisco Ginger Snaps (3pts for 4 cookies) and some Breyer's Light Ice Cream Sandwiches (Skinny Cows are better). I bought this stuff on Wednesday. The Ginger Snaps were gone on Saturday, I think. The ice cream sandwiches are gone, too. I have consistently eaten over my points every day this week (my WW week runs Thur-Wed). I was out of WAP by Friday. So needless to say, I was disgusted with myself.

I kept thinking at what point one gives up on the whole eating healthy thing. I was a little resentful yesterday. I wish I could eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. And that's what I thought about all day yesterday as I snacked away mindlessly. Well, not really mindlessly, I thought about everything I put into my mouth. And I thought about how it was going to affect my weigh-in this week. But I was resentful, so I just kept eating. And then I started thinking about at what point in my diet I normally quit. I mean, in the past, at what point do I just start eating and not exercising and just not giving a damn? I didn't know and I knew it wasn't yesterday. Hell, I'm obsessed. I sat in bed yesterday and read. I went to the library and got plenty of books on juicing. I also got health and nutrition books, like food nutrition. I wanted to know which vegetables had which nutrients. That way, I'll know what to juice. I thought of all the vegetables I'd be buying that I didn't even eat. It excited me. I kept thinking of what meals I would be preparing this week and how many points they'd be. Thought about walking some more and when I was going to add weight training. Figured I should make an Excel spreadsheet to help me plan meals and exercise routines. Thought about my goal-clothes and when I'd be able to get in them.

My point? I couldn't be giving up (even though I was snacking out of control) because my mind was still on my goal. I think I am learning that it's not all or nothing. Just because I have a bad day or even a bad week does not mean that I just give up entirely. This is the first time I can actually see myself seeing this entire journey thru til the end. I don't want to get complacent. I want to be fit and healthy. I will NOT give up!!! I will keep walking. And I will not waste my time walking buy eating a whole bunch of stuff I don't need. I'm still learning. And I'm still creating habits. Right now, the habit I most need to enforce is to dust myself off and try again.

My Rewards

Well, I went thrifting yesterday!!! I probably spent way too much money, but I'm not going to focus on that. I'm going to focus on the fact that I got some clothes that fit AND . . . are you ready . . . A JUICER!!!!! For only FIVE DOLLARS!!!! How excited was I? And it works, I used it today! I can't believe I was looking to put stuff in layaway and all that and here I find a juicer that works just fine for now (it's hell to clean) for only 5 bucks. Can't beat it. AND I got an espresso/cappucino maker! For EIGHT DOLLARS! How cool?! Two day's worth of Caramel Macchiatos and I can make my own for as long as it works. I haven't tried it out yet, but I'm sure it works. I'm TOO excited!!!

So I'm all over the internet now looking at juicing recipes and stuff. I have heard over the years how people who juice are SO healthy. Well, I'm about to be one of those people. I will be getting ALL of my fruits and veggies each day, because I'm going to juice some of them! Today I juiced carrots (which I don't eat), an orange, and some pineapple. Delish! Tonight I'm going to try something with spinach, tomatoes, and watermelon! I'll get all the vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants I need!!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!

MILESTONE!!!!!

WOOWHOOOOOOO!!!!!

I was a little concerned about my weigh-in yesterday. I ate (kinda) a lot on the holiday, but then I got sick (stomach virus that I'm blaming on my cousin). So I figured I'd probably neither gain nor lose. WRONG! I lost 3.4lbs!!!!! I am DETERMINED not to gain back ANY of it! My leader thinks the scale will tell the truth next week. We'll see, shall we? At any rate, I'm at a total loss of 12lbs since starting WW and 41lbs overall!!! You know what's AWESOME?! I KNOW I'm not going back!!!! I'm just gonna get smaller and smaller and then more and more toned. My second number is STILL a Zero (yeah, I'ma keep capitalizing it, what?!): 206.2!!!!! I am a mere 6.3lbs from ONEderland and 10lbs from my 10% goal! I'm so excited!!!

I was trying to figure out how to reward myself for my milestone. I was happy as all get out to be able to add a gold star to my 5lb bookmark! :) The first reward I thought of was a Chipotle burrito (cut in thirds). But I had to change my mind. NO MORE FOOD AS A REWARD!!! If I'm making lifestlye changes, that needs to be the first one. Come on now, in my life, food has ALWAYS equaled celebration. Not anymore. Y'all, I made a list of rewards, and I can't find it. But they were all big things (that's gonna be my next blog topic, rewards). I needed something little. So I took a cue from Nicole (http://nicoleww.blogspot.com/) and decided to get things for my kitchen. I went to Target to price stuff. They have a blender on sale for $18 that I'm gonna get. The truth is, I don't really blend anything, but that doesn't mean I won't ever. Maybe I don't blend anything because I don't have a blender. I also priced juicers. That's what I REALLY want. That way, I can juice my fruits and veggies to make sure I get enough. The thing is, Target doesn't have layaway, and I can't afford my reward right now. I refuse to go to Walmart (The Devil), so I'ma hafta figure something out. I'ma look online for the Magic Bullet, too. That was a decent little infomercial (I'm addicted to infomercials). And it juices, too. I could make all kinds of healthy stuff with that. We'll see. I need a LAYAWAY!!! I KNOW!!! I can go across the river; I think there's a K-Mart over there and I KNOW they have layaway! That's my plan.

Have a great week! Exercise!!! I have my Belly Dancing class tonight and I'm going to start Salsa lessons on Monday.

Speaking of Monday, I might also look into TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly). It's similar to WW, but it's a nonprofit, so it's only $24 per YEAR. I would probably still use what I learn from WW, but weigh in with TOPS instead. I dunno. It would definitely save me money, but I *like* WW. I also like saving money. I'll keep y'all posted.

Went to the library and got some more weight loss-related books. I'll tell y'all about those, too. :)

Until next time...

Monique
218.2/206.2/155

(I hate that; I want to put 247 as my starting weight, but that was over a year ago, so I guess it's not fair. But I want y'all to know I was 247 at my largest!!! NEVER AGAIN!!!!!)