Thursday, May 04, 2006

Hi, my name is Monique . . .

and I'm a foodaholic. :( Seriously, I have a problem. Last week at weigh in, I'd lost 2.2lbs. Great, right? Then I had an emotional week (I mean all KINDS of crazy feelings) and ate my ass off. I mean, there were days I had 42 points. Yeah, I still wrote everything down. Then yesterday, I weighed in and was happy that I only gained .4lb. But what I wasn't happy with myself. I was angry that I had no discipline. Angry that I couldn't control myself. So what did I do? Tried not to continue overeating. You know the whole, "oh my week starts over tomorrow, i've already weighed in, so i might as well eat" deal? I try to talk myself down from that. Yesterday, I lost. I went to Wendy's and had a spicy chicken w/ cheese value meal. What makes it even worse, I looked up the points of eveything before I ordered. It's not even what I wanted. I didn't even enjoy it. What I really wanted was to go to a buffet and chow the fuck down. But no. Ended up at Wendy's with a totally unfulfilling meal. Did I stop there? Hell no. I went to UDF and got a pint of butter pecan ice cream and some animal crackers. I looked for a slice of pound cake, but found none. I ate the whole pint yesterday in two sittings. I've NEVER in my LIFE eaten a pint of ice cream in one day. Not even at my fattest.

How could it get worse? I STILL WANT TO GO TO THE DAMN BUFFET. I am ANGRY that this is my reality. That I actually have to WORK to control what the fuck I eat. I'm pissed about that. I went to a banquet the other day and the desserts looked DELICIOUS!!! I didn't have a single one, but as I watched the women at my table (all skinny but one, and she wasn't huge, either) devour at least one dessert, I felt RAGE. RAGE at them for having a metabolism that allowed them to eat that way. RAGE at them for possibly having the good sense and motivation to work out so they could eat that way. But mostly RAGE because I could NOT eat that way. And if I had, I would've been viewed as a glutton. Skinny people can eat whatever the fuck they want and no one ever says anything. Skinny people can go to a buffet and sit and eat for HOURS and no one will say a thing. Fat people go to a buffet and people say, "She know she ain't got no business in here." WTF is that all about.

And you know what else pisses me off? When people act like you should be able to just control yourself. IT'S NOT THAT FUCKIN' EASY, OK??? If it WAS, do you think obesity would even exist? No one LIKES being overweight, I don't give a fuck what they say. The backaches, the knee pain, the way people treat you and look at you, the way clothes are more expensive, and bras are more expensive, not truly liking what you see in the mirror. No one likes it. So trust me, if it was EASY to just CONTROL ourselves, we would. Inconsiderate fuckers.

I called Overeaters Anonymous today because all I think about is food. What I can eat, what I can't, what I want to eat, etc. It's consuming me and not in a good or motivating way. I WANT to lose weight. I WANT to reach my goals. I WANT to be healthy. None of that has a positive impact on my out of control eating. No one answered the phone. *sigh* I don't know what to do. I'm disappointed in myself and I just want to do better, but I want to EAT, shit.

I am NOT giving up, but I swear, this might be the hardest thing I've EVER done. EVER. And I HATE this. I HATE IT.

Fuckin' hate it.

I'm sorry for my language, but I'm in a bad mood.

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