Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Time for some truth

I have not been completely honest in this blog, and it's time that I was. This blog is supposed to be no holds barred. And I've been holding back. So let's get it all out in the open.

Not only have I not been following the challenge, I've been seriously binge eating. And what makes it so bad is I've been doing some of it with m manfriend here. After he goes to sleep, I sneak to the vending machine downstairs in the laundry room for snacks. Then I eat them in the living room so he doesn't know. What this tells me is that the behavior is wrong. If it was cool in any way, I wouldn't be hiding and eating. And I plan this stuff. It's sad and it has to stop.

I've eaten ice cream. I baked a cake and went and bought more ice cream. And some cookies. I made the cake with applesauce, and that's supposed to make me feel better, I guess. I tried to gorge on some earlier, but I didn't want all of it, so I only ate half of what I'd served myself, which was still too much. But now, I don't want the cake or the damn ice cream. I don't really have an appetite. And I think it's cuz I'm depressed. Which leads me to my next truth. *sigh* Here goes.

If you'll notice, there is a gap in my blogging between July and November. There is a reason for this: I was pregnant. I didn't say anything in here because I wanted to wait until I was out of my first trimester, you know, wait until everything was set to go well. I was also in denial about how I felt about gaining baby weight. I was saying I was OK with it, but deep down, I was concerned about how I would lose it. All I truly wanted was a healthy baby. I figured I'd lost the weight before, I could do it again. I was SO excited about being pregnant. We both were. Even though we aren't married, we planned it. We wanted our baby. We hadn't kept it a complete secret, but we hadn't told everyone we know, just our closest friends and family.

OMG, being pregnant was bittersweet. I hated being exhausted and nauseated all the time, but I loved having a life inside of me. I couldn't wait until the baby started to grow and move and all of that. I loved watching Zeke talk to my stomach. I loved so much about it. I was scared about whether or not I'd be a good mom. But I was so diligent about my eating habits. I wanted to be as healthy as possible for my baby. I wanted to get enough of all of my nutrients for my baby. I cared far more for my body when I was pregnant than I ever have. But like a lot of pregnant women, I was irritated all the time. I was stressed at work. Then I started cramping and bleeding a little bit. I tried not to worry, but I knew what was happening, I was losing my baby.

On Thursday, October 11, 2007, I went to the emergency room where I learned that I'd already had a miscarriage. I was a mere days away from being out of my first trimester. I was counting down the days until I could tell my good news to everyone. I could not believe it. I was hurting in a way that I never have. I've dealt with depression for years, but never felt anything like this. I had no appetite and I just felt empty, like something was missing. But not like when my parents or good friend passed away. I realized I felt like I was missing a body part, like my arm was gone. One minute, you have a whole 'nother life inside of you, then the next minute, nothing is there. It's devastating. An entire future completely obliterated.

So I decided after a few days that I was fine. And I didn't talk to anyone about it. I felt like I should be OK and I should just move on. I knew deep down I was not OK, but I was trying to make it through. I was just goin' thru the motions. I completely avoided it. totally and completely. Then during the week of November 11th, I missed work. I just didn't feel like myself and I couldn't bring myself to go to work. I'm a teacher, and I just didn't have it in me to give. I mentioned to my friend that maybe it was the anniversary of the miscarriage, but I didn't think any more about it. Until today.

Today is December 11th. And I didn't go to work. One of my lymph nodes in my throat is swollen and it hurts. I lost my voice. It just seems like my body is shutting down on me. This only happens when I'm not taking care of myself mentally, my body makes me take notice. Well, it got my attention today. Last night, my throat started swelling. It hurt when I swallowed and it hurt when I turned my head to the right. When I woke up this morning, I didn't have a voice. But I did have food in my bed: Baked Cheetos and ginger snaps. How is it that my throat hurt just from swallowing, but I still had food in my bed? Not even a swollen and aching throat could stop me from eating. Damn shame.

After I stared feeling better physically, I realized that I still felt bad mentally and emotionally. I knew I was depressed, but didn't know why at first, until I realized what today was. I think that my subconscious is trying to get me to deal with this. *sigh* And I'm not sure I'm ready. What I really want is to be pregnant again. That's all I want. I can't make myself eat right, but I know I would if I was pregnant. How sad is it that I care more about a child than I do about myself? I'm sure being selfless will help me be a good mom, but shouldn't I care about myself and my health anyway, not just because I'm pregnant? I can't even address that right now.

Right now I have to focus on how this miscarriage has affected me, my emotions, my mental stability, and my eating habits. Not to mention my lack of motivation and over feelings of apathy. I don't care about much of anything anymore.

So that's my truth. I can't seem to get it back in gear, and I know that this is the reason. I haven't dealt with this. Until I truly deal with it, I'm not going to be able to manage much of anything. Blogging about it is a start. Talking about it is next. I'll probably start a blog just to address the miscarriage. Something has got to give. There is a huge disconnect in my mind. I want to be healthy, but I'm sabotaging myself.

No matter what, though, I will not give up.

No comments: