Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Still Day 1

And already I feel as though I've messed up.

I had a LC for lunch. Then I had 5 small chicken fingers. Bad idea. And I had some canned pineapples. That's all. Oh, and some water. No idea what I'ma have for dinner. But considering how I've been eating, today is actually not so bad.

I did have a realization, though. I read a few posts back and noticed something. When I was 178lbs, I was feelin' all sexy and stuff. What happened? What happened between this summer and now? Clearly, I can't really be that much bigger than I was before. Actually, that's not completely true. I may weigh the same, but I feel like I've gained some inches. Maybe it's cuz I'm on my period, I dunno. But the point is, I'm trippin'. Gettin' all bent out of shape when 3lbs ago I felt great about how I looked.

I guess what has happened is I've gotten used to my size. Whereas I used to be enamored with my new size, now I'm used to it and I don't view it as thin anymore. Now, I just see how I'm still overweight and I don't like how I look naked. And this isn't anything new, really. I've been on the LOOK BETTER NAKED kick since starting Pilates. But I'm ready to be DONE with this whole weight-loss and fitness thing. I'm tired of working toward a goal. I'm ready to be AT GOAL. Maintenance forever, that's what I'm ready for.

Oh, and I wanted to blog about my little mini-goal. January 13th is my man's birthday. My goal? To be so confident with my body, that I'm able to do a strip tease for him without feeling self-conscious. By that time, I should be about 75% of the way through the challenge and should be seeing some results. I can't wait to see what I look like!!!!! :) I'ma hafta buy some new lingerie!!!

Truth be told, I'm hoping to be at goal (around 150-155lbs) by the end of this challenge. Even if it means that the last week of the challenge I do FS to pull off the last 10lbs. So be it. I'll continue with a second challenge immediately following this one, just to perfect whatever I accomplish. I'm seriously trying to get MY dream body. That means NO FLAB: no flabby arms and no big belly and no thunder thighs and no back fat. I don't have to look like a body builder or anything like that, but I want to think that I have a nice body. Bump what everybody else thinks, I want to think I have a nice body. That means more muscle, less fat.

I was worried my manfriend would miss my "softness." He always comments on how soft I am (in a good way). So I asked him what he was gonna say after the softness is replaced by muscle. He said, "I'll say you a brick house!" That made me smile. I want him to be happy with me, too. And I guess I shoulda known that if I'm happy, he's happy. I've still had some sexual firsts with him, and I'm enjoying them (I'll spare y'all the details this time, lol). There are more to come, that's for sure. Hell, Fitness magazine even has a Better Sex Workout. I forget which issue that was in, though. What I know is that I will be at goal when I am completely comfortable with my body in the bedroom. When I don't think to myself, "Can I do that? Am I too heavy for him? Am I hurting him?" And all those crazy insecurity-driven questions that I have at the most inopportune times. So I'm looking forward to stripping for him with my newfound confidence (that should be arriving in around 4 to 6 weeks, I'm guessing).

Ok, time to go home and get that Upper Body workout out the way.

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