I'm goin' down!

As I typed that I realized it had sooo many meanings. But for the purposes of this blog, it's all about the poundage. I lost 3.8lbs this week for a total of 2.8 since re-joining WW. I've lost all the weight I gained on the binge and then some. Good job, Monique! Way to get back on track!

Have I said I love my Pilates class? I LOVE IT!!! My legs are definitely getting stronger. And I think I can feel muscle starting to form underneath all of my abdominal fat. I think there may actually be some muscles under there!!! I pay a lot more attention to my posture now. And I've lost an inch from my upper thigh! Now I haven't measured since about a month before I started Pilates, so there's a chance I may have lost a little before, but I don't think so. I can tell I'm losing inches because the clothes I got when I went thrifting are even fitting differently, a little looser. Not too big, just more comfortable, I guess.

I'm getting used to the new me, I really am! I saw some old friends this weekend and everyone commented on how young (and thin) I looked. Who KNEW that losing weight would give me a youthful appearance? I sure didn't!

All in all, I feel good about myself!!!

Wow, what a week-and-a-half it's been. I joined WW again; I got a monthly pass this time. It's the best value. So I weighed in on 1/10 and was 186.2 (according to their scale; my home scale said 182.5 and I will always go with my home scale). Anyway, then I ate and ate and ate and ate some more. Pretty bad binge; I gained 9.5lbs. I just could not face my weigh in on the 17th cuz I was still 6-7lbs up. By the 18th, I knew I had to face the music, so I went to a different meeting and weighed in. I was only up 5lbs, so some of it had begun to come off. This morning I weighed myself and I'm about 183-184, so I'm getting back to where I was, but my goodness, what a waste of time. I'm starting to phase into the Fat Smash diet, so I should lose a little more. Well, actually, I don't know. I just finished dinner, and I don't know if I can go more than 9 days with no meat. So I think that I'll be doing FS modified for 9 days (lots of fruits & veggies, no caffeine, no meat, no white potatoes, no sugar, no snacks except popcorn, and no bread). I should still lose a decent amount of weight. I just made a pot of pasta. The pasta is 1pt per serving, 6 servings in the whole box, so that's only 6pts. I made my own sauce with onions, green peppers, garlic, and tomatoes; then I added 3 cans of tomato sauce, all 0pts each. So the whole pot of pasta is 6pts, STILL 1pt per serving! Then before I go to bed tonight I'm going to make a pot of chili with kidney beans, garbanzo beans, and lentils. I haven't decided if I'm going to put corn in there or not. Now I just need to go to the grocery store for produce, yogurt, and grits. Oh, and some more lentils. I have found some recipes online for different types of chili and also curry dishes; there are lentil dishes in both categories. I also need to get some sweet potatoes. So I have some ideas to get me thru the week, but I still can't see being a vegetarian. I guess I'll see how the week progresses. I might have to take my chances at cloned poultry. I just can't see giving up turkey or chicken. Beef would be easy because I only eat it about twice a month. Lamb I only eat at Ethiopian restaurants, but I can't imagine the rest of my life with no Lamb Tibs and Collard Greens. DAMN SCIENTISTS!!! Can't leave Yah's creation alone! What's wrong with plain old animals???? Why clone them in the first place, but MY GOODNESS, do they have to SELL them, too??? And FUCK YOU FDA!! How dare you even consider not labeling cloned meat????? SIMPLE ASSES. Y'all don't know the effects of eating this meat after YEARS, so WHY would y'all allow that? I'm outdone about the whole thing, really. I thought this was a no-brainer, I really did. Hell, for all I know, the mofos runnin' the FDA might be clones themselves. This might be the beginning of the (Matrix) revolution. Or we may have been eating cloned meat for who knows how long, since they cloned that sheep over in Switzerland I think it was, and that's how they know there are no effects for at least a few years. I don't know. All I know is I thought I was lettin' the meat go cuz who wants to eat a science fair experiment? But I LIKE meat. And I don't want no damn substitute, neither. Soy is aight sometimes, but NOT for the rest of my life. I need some meat in my life. I'll be cool these next 9 days or so, but after that, it's back to meat. That's how I forsee this whole thing going. I'll keep reading up on vegetarianism, and I'm reading Dr. Ornish's book, Eat More, Weigh Less (I didn't give it a chance last time because I wasn't tryna hear not eatin' meat). Maybe poultry will become to me like beef has, a couple times a month. Who am I kidding? I'm a walking stereotype: I LOVE chicken. I've already cut back on fried chicken, but I can't let go of the bird. I can't. I need to do some research and see how this cloning thing is going over in other countries. Cuz we are gettin' totally screwed over here in the States. I'm starting to wish I'd grown up on a farm and learned how to raise livestock. Hell, I also wish I woulda paid more attention when my mother and sister were in the garden cuz then now I would know how to grow my own produce. But it's not too late to learn how to do that. Ok, so that's food, lol. What a ramble.

Exercise. I have been going to Pilates. I went to my 4th class today. I'm really enjoying it!! And I can tell it's a good work-out because I am SORE the next day!!! I'm going every Sun, Tue, and Thu. After the first 10 weeks, I'll drop down to 2 days a week and do one day at home alone. But I'm going to take 30 classes at the place because I want to see if I really have a whole new body after 30 sessions. I can already tell (after only FOUR sessions) that I'm getting muscle tone in my arms and my legs. ESPECIALLY my legs. The muscles are still clearly covered in fat, but they're there. Motivation and inspiration to keep going. I've been slacking on my aerobics, though. I didn't do ANY last week. So this week, I'm shooting for 3x a week. That will be 6 days of activity, even though Pilates is "light" activity. Although I did break a sweat today. It was an awesome class! I see I'm going to love Sundays!

I don't know what I was trippin' off of . . .

WHY would I wait 8 weeks to take a Pilates class? If part of my ultimate goal is to tone my muscles, WHY would I "reward" myself with the very thing that will help me meet my goal 8 weeks into it???? That's just plain stupid. Instead, I'm going to go when I get paid. If I'm serious about making this a priority, then I need to quit being so frugal and pay for a set of classes. After doing some more internet research, I realize that the classes are not THAT expensive for the mat or the ball. It's the equipment classes that make them expensive, and I'm not ready for all that yet. At least that's how it works at the cheapest place I've found which is funny cuz that's the place I figured would be the most expensive. The truth is, it's the same price as the belly dancing classes I took (and want to start taking again). So no more waiting. Plus, I'm tired of my back hurting all the time. No time like the present. As I read thru this blog, I'm constantly not doing something I said I'd do, and I'm tired of it. So no more complaining about having a flabby body. No more complaining about not doing strength & flexibility training. NO MORE! I need to get on the ball!

Speaking of the ball (lol), I did some exercises with my stability ball the past couple days. Trying to ease back into things, I guess. Did some ab work yesterday and some squats today. Man! I'm so out of shape. I mean, I know I'm in much better shape than I used to be, don't get me wrong, but I know I still need to be in much shape than I am now. I have to admit though, I did much better on the ball this time around. Well, that can't really be true cuz I really didn't do anything all that involved with the ball. I guess I just felt more confident.

These are my confessions

When I was in Express and The Limited today, I felt terribly out of place. I felt very self-conscious as I looked for clothes, like everyone was looking at me and thinking I shouldn't be in there. Even after trying on the first size 12's, and feeling a certain sense of pride and immense JOY, I still felt like I was in a secret club I had snuck into. It was the ODDEST feeling ever. I think the problem is that I don't have the slightest idea what I look like. It's like, whether I can fit into the clothes or not, I still feel FAT. And it's some sick kind of conflict because I can tell I've lost a lot of weight and I think I look good . . . in clothes. But naked? Or in too big clothes? I don't think I look good at all. And, until today, I have been in too big clothes. So it's no wonder I don't feel as confident; I'm in a whole new skin. I know all about being a size 14-24, but going into these stores and being able to fit these sizes, well, it's gonna be an adjustment. I guess it's no different than any other change, you have to adapt. It's just that I always thought of losing weight as such a positive experience, and I never anticipated any negative or adverse feelings. But in that store earlier today, I didn't feel quite right. Still felt like I didn't belong. So weird.

MEGA MILESTONE!!!!!!!

OMG!!!!! OK! I went to the mall today for two reasons: to walk (needed the extra steps) and try on clothes and see what size I'm in. Remember my Size 14 GAP jeans? Well, I need a belt with them now. They aren't falling off and they still kinda fit, but they are a bit looser than they need to be. Especially in the back; I HATE THAT!!! Anyway, I figured it was time to try on clothes again. My first stop? Express. Guess who could fit a 12? In my very best Elle Woods voice: ME!!! I couldn't believe it. And I don't mean suck-in-the-gut fit, either, I mean FIT!!! Except they didn't have any longs, so everything I tried on was too short. No matter, cuz I wasn't buyin' nothin' anyway, but still. I love my height, but it's only an issue when I'm buying clothes. I couldn't imagine being any taller than 5'8". Where do y'all buy pants? Better yet, ankle length dresses/skirts? Shopping is the only time I'll readily admit I'm taller than the average female (I live in denial, ok?). So my next stop was the Limited. I could fit their 12's ever better than Express!!! My next stop? Bath & Body Works cuz I felt like I deserved a reward. And lemme just say, WHY are they discontinuing my FAVORITE scent?!?!?!?! Sandalwood Rose. *sigh* I'ma hafta stock up. Today I only got two lotions and a shower gel. I'ma go back next week and get more lotion. I can't believe they are discontinuing it. I can't. That is so bootleg. They don't NEVER discontinue stuff I don't like. EVER. All that flowery mess is still up in there. But my faves (strawberry lemonade, pearberry, and now sandalwood rose) always get cut. Hardly cool. Hardly. Anyway, so y'all know what came next, right?

You guessed it: THRIFTING!!! I had to go to get new clothes!!! I've been wearing the same stuff over and over just mixing it up differently and I'm bored and tired. AND I haven't been dressing like myself. Jeans all the time, and I don't even like jeans all like that, but I have to wear what fits, right? Anyway, lemme TELL y'all!!!! I got a 100% wool sweater (MEDIUM!!) for 45 cents! Ironically, it's an Express sweater. I also got two pairs of pants (one Express, one Limited, both SIZE 12!!!) for $4 each, AND they're LONG! I got an Express skirt (yep, another 12) for $4. Now ain't it a trip that I went to both of these stores and couldn't find anything to fit quite right, yet I find their stuff in the thrift store and it fits PERFECTLY!!!!! OK, what else? Another 100% wool sweater for $2.25 and yet another for $1.50. A PINK 100% wool blazer, $1.50!!!!!! Basically, I spent $45 and I got two pairs of pants, a skirt, two blazers, five sweaters (4 of them grey/charcoal grey, lol), two oxford shirts, a blouse, and two turtlenecks (one was 90 cents!). OH!!! How could I forget: a pair of black loafers (that look BARELY worn) for $1.50 and a cute little black purse for a QUARTER!!!!! (I also got a 100% wool skirt (charcoal grey, lol) for $1.50, size 12, but it doesn't really fit. Goal skirt.) Man, you couldn't get two pair of pants, hell one, really, for $45, and look at all the stuff I got! I LOVE THE THRIFT STORE!!!! I might love it as much as I love the library. Maybe. I'ma find out what day they get their shipments in because I know I can find some good bargains (Coach purses, appliances, etc) on those days.

*sigh* Last but most certainly NOT least, the scale. I got on it today and it said 178.5!!!!! I'm trying not to get TOO pumped about it, cuz it's liable to go back up, but I'ma go 'head and enjoy it, lol.

In the words of Ice Cube, today was a good day!!!

Update, goals, etc...

Well, I'm currently 181lbs (I have been up to 184 and back down since my last entry), so the scale is still moving down, praise YAH. But I'm motivated for this last stretch. I'm not sure what my final goal weight is anymore. But what I do know is this: I need to get to a "healthy" weight, and that means a BMI of 24.9 or lower. And THAT means 163.5lbs. So here's my plan: to lose 20lbs by 4/20. That will put me at 161, in about 15 weeks. I think I can do it. I've set benchmarks and a reward system as well. I will check in every 4 weeks or so, to see if I'm on target with my goal, with a small reward of some sort. Then at my midpoint (10lbs lost around 8 weeks in), I will enroll in a Pilates class. See, my rewards still have to be health related to keep me motivated and on track. Plus, Pilates classes are expensive, so I need to treat it as a real treat to appreciate it. When I reach 163.5lbs, I will have a Pre-Goal Celebration. I know it seems silly to celebrate a mere 2lbs before I get to my goal (short-term, not final), but reaching a healthy weight is SO important to me. I started this journey OBESE. I was TOO happy to become Overweight. But my whole point in all of this is the be healthy. When I reach 163.5, I will be free of all weight-related health risks. And THAT is cause for celebration!!! So I'm going to go on a Stay Healthy For Life shopping spree. Nothing too major, just buying stuff that I need to maintain my healthy lifestyle. *giggling* Who knew I'd ever even have a healthy lifestyle? Go girl!!! Anyway, on my SHFL spree (I call it my shuffle spree, lol) I'm going to buy a wok, a new knife set, measuring cups/spoons, cookbooks and other nutrition resources, a crock pot, and a wheatgrass juicer. Then when I get to 161lbs, I'm gonna have a half-day at the spa with a pedicure, full body massage, and maybe some hot stones, or something. But my goal is not just to lose 20lbs, either. My main focus is going to be toning and building some muscle. I REFUSE to be flabby and just a smaller version of my fat self. I REFUSE. So I'm seriously going to do something about it.

I'm actually excited about this last leg of my journey. I've decided to start going back to WW meetings. Here's the thing, since starting WW on 4/19, I've lost 37lbs. It's been 37 weeks, and I only attended meetings the first 12 of those. But I still lost an average of a pound a week. So I'm not going back because I'm not doing OK at it alone. I'm going back to make SURE I stay focused and to become a Lifetime member and hopefully a leader. I've decided to purchase a monthly pass because I'll get more for my money that way. For cheaper than the cost of simply attending meetings, I can attend as many meetings as I want AND get e-tools. So that's the plan.

And y'all know I'm still reading everything I can get my hands on. I have at home right now The Fat Smash Diet (which I'm actually going to give a chance, thanks Soror T!), The Good Carbohydrate Revolution, Mayo Clinic's Healthy Weight for Everybody, Mayo Clinic's Fitness for Everybody, Antioxidant Revolution, Getting Thin and Loving Food (by Chef Kathleen), Jillian Michael's book, a book called How Fat Works, Vitamins: Fundamental Aspects in Nutrition and Health, and a couple food count books by Corinne Netzer.

I went home a couple weeks ago and a friend of mine (who I've known since we were 16) saw me and said, "OMG, Monique, you are high school skinny!!" At first, I was like, whatever, girl. But after I got back home, I actually saw what she meant. It's a shame that we can't always see the progress the way someone who hasn't seen you in months can. It just made me feel really good to know that I've actually accomplished something and people can TELL. And this is a conscious effort. So it's nice to know that I'm being successful.

I guess that's it for now. Off to fitday.com to enter my food for the past week. Until next time, stay encouraged!!!