So long WW...

Hellooooooooooo TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly)!! Ok, let me start at the beginning.

A few weeks ago in our WW meeting, the leader was reading Empowering Beliefs. One of them was that this is easier than most things we've done. I looked around and everyone nodded. I raised my hand and said for me it was just the opposite - it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I told her I felt like an alcoholic, but instead, food was my drug. I want y'all to know that NO ONE ELSE said anything. Everyone acted like this was easy as pie for them. Then someone said, "Well I think it's easy to follow the program." Yeah, but how easy was it to DECIDE to FOLLOW the program? It's easy to count points, but it's not easy to always stick to the plan. It was then that I realized I was sitting in a room full of people who didn't know what to do or say, simply looked toward the leader for guidance. That is NOT my idea of a support group. I felt like everyone in the room was a bunch of fakers. I mean, seriously, if it's so damn easy, WHY are you HERE??? You wouldn't even BE fat if it was so damn easy. Man, GTFOOHWDBS. That was the first time I left a WW meeting feeling a little empty.

The next day, I told my boss about it and told her how I felt like I was in the Stepford WW Club. I mentioned TOPS and she said her grandmother and aunt were members for years. I've been to the website (www.tops.org) and read all about it. Since it's a nonprofit, it's WAY cheaper than WW, only $24 per year. I decided to go to a meeting to see if I liked it.

I LOVED IT!!!! The women were SO nice. I'm definitely the youngest person there, lol, but that's not much different from WW. I was also the only Black woman. This little older lady (who I think will be my favorite) was telling me about the group (she has two daughters who come as well) and mentioned that there were a couple other African-American girls, too. I chuckled to myself, but I was glad she wanted to make me feel comfortable and welcome. The chapter has dues, also, only $2 per month. So I'm basically looking at $48 a year. And they have conferences and stuff. They have contests and stuff. Like they are having a summer contest where they are paired up and whichever team loses the most wins (I forget what). Then they have an Angel of the month which is whoever loses the most that month and then at the end of the year they have a Queen (or a king, but they're are only 2 men in the group). AND they bring low-fat snacks!!! Fruit, pretzels, rice cakes, coffee. It was the most bizarre experience, being at a weight-loss meeting eating snacks! And these women are losing! You get a diet and goal weight (or range, I guess) from a doctor (she said have him/her write it on a prescription pad). So everyone is doing something different, but they are SO supportive of each other. I got to meet a couple people who'd met their goals and are now KOPS (Keeping...). They tease each other and seem like a little family. When I left, they all said they hoped to see me back, and they will.

I look at it like this: I already have all the tools I need from WW. Why keep paying $12 a week when I'm not getting what I need? I went for 12 weeks, so that's $144. $144. And I'm 12lbs down. I paid $12 for every pound I lost. Was it worth it? Hmm, I think so, I mean, it is what it is. WW works, so I'm glad I got all the tools from the 12 weeks I went. But I'm not shellin' out any more money to them. I was gonna keep goin' until I got my 10% keychain, but damn all that. Next Monday, I'm paying my TOPS membership! :)

Oh yeah, I weighed in last night. I even had on a denim skirt (I didn't go home and change). Even in the heavy clothing, I've lost 1lb since Thursday!!!! YAY!!! I *might* go to WW tomorrow for the last time. Maybe. I probably won't, lol.

So that was my TOPS experience. What y'all think?

The damage

Ok, so I weighed in and it wasn't as bad as I thought. I'm up 3.8. So I'm back at 206.2, where I was in week 7. That's cool, though. I'm still not giving up. I keep visualizing my goal. I still FEEL thinner. And I still fit my smaller clothes, so I'm not harping on the numbers. They'll go back down; as long as those inches don't go up! I'm just in a much better mood today. I'm looking forward to walking later. I have a new book on CD, Stephen King's The Colorado Kid. It sounds like it might be CSI-ish, so I'm hoping I like it. It doesn't sound like classic Stephen King, though. Neither was Cell; I took that back to the library after the first disc. I have been listening to Everything's Eventual at home. The first time I've ever listened to an audio book at home. Nice to fall asleep to, actually. WHY am I rambling on and on about audio books? The next one I'ma get is The Devil Wears Prada.

Have a good weekend, y'all! I know I will!! :)

Trying to stay UP

Ok, I have so much to say. First things first, last week, I gained 2.4lbs. I stayed within my points, BUT I didn't exercise at all. That really put me in the ground, though. I wanted to binge SO badly and didn't and I STILL gained. No matter, right? WRONG!!! It has been downhill ever since! *sigh* I don't celebrate the 4th of July, so that wasn't it. I don't have any EXCUSES. I did what I did and then didn't go weigh in yesterday. Slept right thru it. I almost decided THE HELL WITH IT. But then I remembered, no matter WHAT, I can't quit. And I remembered that this isn't the first time this has happened. I can lose the weight. Only by saying TO HELL WITH IT will I gain EVERYTHING back and end up fatter and unhappy and even more unmotivated and even more lazy with even more contempt for exercise. So today, I'm back on plan. I guess. Lemme tell y'all what I ate over the last five days.

It all started with making sure I had easy foods to eat while I braided my hair. Friday night I went out and didn't braid ANY of my hair. Instead, I was at the bar and drank two vodka & cranberries. Then I also had 1/2 of a beer. I don't even drink beer. It was a long night. Driving home Saturday morning, I stopped at McDonald's and got a Steak, Egg, & Cheese bagel, hashbrown, and orange juice.

So I went to the grocery store on Saturday and spent $50. I got plenty of fruit and some microwave stuff:

• Apples, peaches, nectarines, plums, watermelon, and bananas
• Morningstar Buffalo nuggets
• Morningstar Chik'n nuggets
• Lean Cuisine Steak Panini
• Lean Cuisine mushroom pizza
  

On Saturday night, I wanted some sancks. So I went to Kroger and got a bag of Baked Cheetos and a box of Chips Ahoy 100 Calorie Snack Packs. By Sunday, everything was gone, EXCEPT the fruit. Well, not totally true; I ate the watermelon. So I went to Kroger and got a box of Ginger Snaps and a pint of Butter Pecan Ice Cream. On Monday, still in binge mode, I go to the Chinese buffet. I didn't eat as much as I could've, but I did some damage. By Tuesday everything (except the fruit) was all gone. So I went to Papa John's and got a large chicken fajita pizza and an order of cheese sticks. I ate all of the cheese sticks and 6 slices of the pizza (pan crust) over two days. Somewhere in there, I also ate some cereal and some fruit.

Totally lost control. And now I have to go weigh-in today. I don't want to, but I HAVE to because NO MATTER WHAT, I CAN'T QUIT. After I weigh in, I'll come and post where I'm at.

Here's the thing. I think I self-sabotage or something. I mean, I was SO close to ONEderland. So close, and now look at me. But it's cool, I'm not totally discouraged. I got another book on CD from the library and I'm going to start using it tomorrow. My belly dancing class is tonight. I don't wanna go. I'm on my period and I'm crampy and I'm in a bad mood and I don't wanna go. But I'm gonna go ahead and go. Because last month I said NO MATTER WHAT, I'm going to exercise even while on my period. Normally, it puts me DOWN, but this month, I'm going to master it. It already made me totally overeat, I can't let it make me not exercise, too.

I've got to get back on track. I just felf fat and ugly this weekend. I don't know what happened. :( One day I'm all happy about my weight loss and the next day, I just feel fat. WTF? I was supposed to go to a party Sunday night. I got dressed, put on my make-up, cute shoes, everything. Instead of feeling cute, I felt fat and not attractive. So what did I do? Changed into sweats and a tshirt, and went and got Ginger Snaps and ice cream. Ate half of it that night and finished it off Monday morning.

So that's my binge. I feel shitty about the whole thing. But it is what it is, right?

Today is a whole new day. Whole new day...