Random stuff

My friend YaYa told me some months ago she'd read Body for Life for Women. Since BFL was what worked for me before (coupled with WW cuz I need the flex points or I'll still overeat), I figured BFLFW had to be just as good, but mentally, I wasn't ready. I'm happy to say I finally got the book from the library last week. I'm almost done with it (it's been a busy week). I need to read the rest so I'll know if the training program differs in anyway.

BFL is a challenge, 12 weeks at a time. I'm starting my challenge this coming Sunday, 4/23. My 12 weeks will be up on July 16th. My goal? I decided to take a belly dancing class about a month and a half ago (both for fun and for a fitness boost to get me active). Well, there is a studio recital in August. I absolutely want to participate in the recital. But NOT looking like this!! So my short-term goal is to look good in my belly dancing outfit! I'm currently a size 14 (for the most part), so I'm thinking a size 10/12 by August would be nice. And I'd like to tone up so I'm not flabby.

My present mantra: 12 weeks is gon' pass regardless. So what you gon' do? August is coming whether you like it or not. How are YOU gon' look in the recital?

Once the recital is done, I'll have a new benchmark, who knows what it will be. Ultimately, I want

• to be healthy
• look good
• feel good about myself and
  
• maintain my weight loss.
  

I want to complete this first 12-week challenge to show myself that I do have follow thru and that I am able to accomplish my goals. First off, being healthy. My mother was 32 when she gave birth to me. She died when I was 19 (heart disease). For the most part, we have very similar habits (I smoke, drink occasionally, and am for the most part, not very active). I am 32. I don't want to die in 19 years. That is my greatest motivation. I don't want heart disease. I don't want High Blood Pressure (my mother had this as well). I don't want diabetes. I don't want weak and brittle bones. I want to be STRONG in body and in mind. And I realize that only I have control over that. And it's time for me to take control. Starting now. Ending NEVER.

Looking good. I am SO tired of being a big girl. I think I'm sexy, yes. I think I'm pretty, yeah, I do. But I don't think I'm STUNNING. I think that I'm hiding the STUNNING me underneath all of this fat. I want to look good in dresses. I hardly ever wear dresses. Why? Because I like to have a shirt to cover the gut. I'm now tucking in all of my shirts. New for me. I tried it in a size 16 and was still not comfy with it. But now, I tuck. And now that I'm doing that, I can wear more dresses. But I want to look absosmurfly STUNNING in it. I am TIRED of my FLABBY ASS ARMS!!!! I want them GONE!!! That is also something I want in time for the recital: no flabby arms and a reduction in back rolls. They have GOT to go! I think that people see me as pretty... for a big girl. I just want to be PRETTY. I have so much more on this topic, especially stores and where will I shop!!

Feeling good. I want to FEEL good. Not just emotionally and mentally, but physically as well. I don't want to get sick so often. And I want to feel good that I accomplished something I set out to do. I can't wait to feel that feeling!!!

I can and WILL do this. When I feel like I'm about to "fall off," I'm just going to tell myself to JUST DO IT!!!

I have so much to post to make sure I stay on task. My next entries will deal with exercise, my reasons for doing this, and my reward system.

History

I am a 32 y/o, 5'8" African-American woman living in Ohio. I have struggled with my weight (and depression) ever since 1993. While I was in college, I lost both of my parents, 7 months apart. My coping mechanism? Isolation and emotional overeating. I went to college skinny as a rail, maybe a size 5/6. By the end of my freshman year, I was a size 16. I ballooned up to a size 20/22. Did Slimfast and regular work-outs my senior year to fit into a dress and got back down to a size 16, barely.

I first started WW in 2002, at 247lbs and in a size 18/20 (I had some stuff that was a 22). Lost about 16lbs and got down to a size 16 after about 6 weeks or so (I was also doing Body-for-Life). I ended up quitting because life was overwhelming me (5yr relationship ended, relocated to a new city). I kept the weight off for about a year, then I gained it ALL back, inches included. In 2004, I joined WW again. This time, I started at 244lbs and was back up to a size 18. Life was way too crazy at the time AGAIN (hating my job, dealing with depression). I lost 3.6lbs and gained them right back, all in 6 weeks.

I relocated again back in August (what can I say, I'm a nomad) and was on a VERY strict budget, so I think I watched what I ate much more. I didn't have money to splurge on eating things I honestly didn't need. I also walked a little bit here and there. At my new job, we eat lunch together every day and everyone packs their lunch. So no eating out probably helped, too. Pounds and inches just started to come off. People started to notice. I kept telling myself if I just DID some type of exercise, I could lose a whole lot more. I did nothing. Got down to about 220. Then last month, I got the stomach flu and got down to 213 (when the nurse left, I weighed myself at 211 naked). I was so excited at the doctor!! Sick as a dog, but excited nonetheless. So what happened? Slipped into a little depression and did what I do best, EAT. I was eatin' all kinds of stuff and wanting to eat more cuz I felt bad for all I had already eaten. I woke up one morning (after a weekend in my apartment alone, eating, and watching movies) and realized there was food in my bed. Bags of Easter candy, a bag of Cheetos Puffs, a can of cashews, a can of peanuts, a can of butter toffee peanuts (I'd already eaten one can), animal crackers, and who knows what else. All accumulated over the course of maybe a week. I slept on one side of my bed and there was a snack bar on the other side. It was all very reminiscent of college when I gained all this weight in the first place, holed up in my dorm room, wallowing in my depression, and eating myself to obesity. Was I purposefully trying to gain back the weight I was so excited I'd lost? I don't know, all I knew is I had to do something. So I put all the snacks in a bag and brought them to work. My coworkers were in heaven and so was I; I no longer had to be tempted by all that fat and salt and calories. A week later and here I am.

I went to my first WW meeting Wednesday (4/19). This is my third and final time starting over. And I mean that. I weighed in at 218lbs and I'm a size 14. My 10% goal weight is 196 and I CAN'T WAIT to get there. I am currently the smallest I've been in 14 years. 14 years. I simply refuse to turn back. It's been FOREVER (or so it seems) since I've been less than 200lbs. I can't wait to get to ONEderland!