Something that made me smile

I have on a size MEDIUM top today. It's a little Hanes v-neck t-shirt and it's pink and green striped. I didn't think it would look right on me yet, but I was gonna wear it over the summer. It fits just fine. Now, my friend got me a Bob Marley t-shirt, it's a size LARGE and it's too tight. Go figure. But I was so happy with how it fit. I can rock a MEDIUM t-shirt. Whose upper body is this??? I'm talkin' bout other folk ain't ready, lol, I'm the one who ain't ready! I'm starting to focus on all the good things I do. I will take note of the bad things simply to change the habit. Otherwise, it's all good!!!

Good day

so far, lol. As of this morning, I am at 181.5.

I walked to work; it took me about 30 minutes, just like I thought. So before my first class, I already have over 4600 steps. All my classes are in the computer lab today, so I don't have to do a lesson. I'm going to read during that time. Nothing on running right now, just healthy and weight-loss and walking. I figure I have to get ready to run, but I have to at least get back where I was before 5/4. *sigh* I'm trying not to be intimidated by this whole marathon training ordeal. I need to blog about all that.

I'm out of the maintainance state of mind and back into the LET'S GET THIS WEIGHT OFF state of mind.

:-D I feel good.

The No-Money Diet

I wonder if I can get paid for this. I'm SURE I could write a book on it!!! When I have NO money, I eat the best. Not necessarily the least, but there is NO junk. I can only eat what I already have at home. And as usual, the worst thing I have is cereal. I haven't even been drinking coffee. AND I gave away my espresso machine. Today's weight? This morning it was 182 and when I got home from work it was 181. I'm almost positive it'll be at 182.5 tomorrow. I have been clockin' madd steps on my pedometer. And haven't even exercised. But starting tomorrow, it's ON. I WILL be walking to work from now on. Why, because gas is $2.99/gal and Monique doesn't pay that much for gas. She'd MUCH rather walk. COOL on that. I mean, seriously, it was $2.70 this morning and I thought THAT was expensive. I was coming to accept $2.59, but $2.70 was pushin' it and $2.99 is out of the question. My tank is on E and that's how it will stay. So I'll be walking to work and back every day; that's 3.8 miles. That's not including what I have to do to train for the marathon. The weight should start to melt off.

Here's the thing. Can we discuss something? Ok. Look at this picture:

I stopped exercising in around November. I started going to Pilates when? In January, I think. I went to Pilates just a few times, though. The point is, I have no idea how from 8/7/06 to 3/12/07 my face thinned out like that. WAIT! I was consistent about writing down what I ate until February, around the same time I stopped going to Pilates class. And I think for the most part, I stayed around 1500 calories. There were, of course, off days. And I always parked really far at work. I guess I did do some stuff to stay on track. I'm always so hard on myself. It's not until I come to this blog that I realize I'm not all bad. Why are we so unforgiving of ourselves? Why do we beat ourselves up over little mistakes? When you think about it, it's just silly.

So what was I saying? Oh, the weight should melt off. And it should. I mean, if I was half-assin' it for three months solid, and now I'm picking back up for real? Meaning, nutrition AND exercise, not just one or the other? Yeah, the weight should melt off. I have more motivation besides the Marathon. I'm kinda-sorta in a wedding in July. I'm even planning on buying a dress in the wedding colors. And the reason is two-fold. One, people really are noticing the difference. And I know I should, too, but I really haven't. Not until that picture up there. And so if people are noticing, I want to look nice. This is the first time vanity has played a part in my journey. I mean, it's first and foremost right now. I know the weight will come off, so my focus needs to be tone and look good. And come July, I should be able to see a difference. There will be people at this wedding who haven't seen me since 247lbs. And it makes me feel good when people compliment me on the weight-loss. I feel like I've accomplished something I should be proud of. Most people know how hard it is to lose weight, and having others acknowledge that accomplishment fills me with such a good feeling. . . a job well done. My friend came to visit last weekend and I hadn't seen him in a year. The first thing he said to me was, "Damn, you're skinny as hell!" (this is not true; I'm a size 12. I'm hardly skinny; let's be clear.) The last thing he said before he left was, "You look good; what an inspiration." I had to break out in a big smile both times. And I had on too-big clothing, too. But I guess compared to what I was, I do look skinny now. I showed my students pictures from my study abroad (10 years and almost 70lbs ago) and they said I used to be huge. So now I'm starting to expect the reactions from people when I haven't seen them in a while. Otherwise, it will make me feel self-conscious. So since I know people are going to notice, I want to look cute. The second reason is I STILL haven't had the opportunity to shop for something really nice in this new, non-plus size. I'm kinda excited to even go looking. I'm wondering if I should buy two different dresses, one size 10 and one 12? Because what if I thin down more than I expect and a 12 is too big? I don't think that'll happen. I think if a 12 is too big, it won't be sloppy too big. We'll see. And by then I will be able to tell my friends I ran a 5K and that I'm training for a marathon (and in this precise moment, I use the word "training" very loosely). How wild is that? The last time they saw me, I was over 200lbs and for some, I was close to 250lbs, and by then I'll be around 171 (hopefully) and a runner?! It trips me out! LOL!

So back to the No Money Diet. Tonight's dinner was rice and beans. I added some diced tomatoes and chili seasoning to the kidney beans. It was delicious; the leftovers will be lunch tomorrow. I'm happy with the scale again. I know that I'm not going to buy any foolishness when I get paid. I want to continue to see results. I'm back on plan, baby! And it's going to be so easy to phase into FS because of how I've been eating on the No Money Diet. I just have to buy plenty of produce because I'ma be all fruited out, lol. I need it to cleanse my system. And I'm not dreading FS, either. I kinda welcome the challenge, because, really, that's all it is.

Seriously looking forward to leaving the 180's, and for good this time. I'm seriously NOT trying to climb back above 182.5. I'm not. I remember this feeling. This is how I felt when I started WW last year. Positive. Strong. Sure. Ready.

I'm ready

I'm sincere and focused and back on the bandwagon. I gave away some food and I threw some food away (candy, cookies, and ice cream). I had company this past weekend that was here to help me move, and they don't eat healthy so I had all KINDS of stuff left in my apartment. I had to get rid of all that mess.

I have taken out my food journal. The last time I wrote down what I ate was 2/27/07. It's only been 8 weeks, but it feels like forever. I was at 181lbs then and I'm at 184.5 today. My weight fluctuates (especially after a weekend like this past one) but always settles at around 182. My body really likes that weight. That's too bad, because we are about to get right down in the 170's and just keep it movin'. So just now I wrote down what I've eaten, starting on Sunday, 4/22/07, even though my food choices were horrible. But I'm being accountable to myself. Since I'm writing down what I eat, I know I will think more about what I eat before I eat it. I'm ready.

Today I will start to transition into Fat Smash. I know I need to do something because my stomach doesn't feel like it should and I just feel BLECH. I don't like feeling like this, so I need to do something. How I've maintained my weight is a mystery to me, seriously. Anyway, I'm making some chili tonight for dinner and I'm not going to include any meat, BUT I need to eat it with some crackers. I haven't bought bread since before the Passover, so that won't even be an issue. And I'm not spending money on eating away from home, I should be cool. I'm going to use my transition time to come up with more meals to last me the whole 9 days. And I'm going to try to stick to it to the VERY best of my ability. If I don't, I'll only let myself down. And the way I see it, if I can commit to running (or run/walking, whatever) a marathon, then I can commit to eating differently for a little over a week. It seriously is not that bad. Plus it will help me get back on track with my eating habits. And it may help me to do the WW Core plan instead of flex points. We'll see. But I'm serious and I'm dedicated. I really want to succeed at this marathon thing and it's more than just exercise. I need to pay CLOSE attention to what I eat if I'm gonna be a runner. So I have to look at it as a necessary part of my training. If a kid can go thru chemo, I can give up meat and pasta and junk food for a week. Oh, and caffeine. *sigh* Right after I publish this entry, I'm going to get coffee. The no caffeine thing is going to be VERY hard. VERY. I hope I don't kill no kids.

Activity? Haven't been doing so well at that. I'm going to Pilates today for the first time in around as long, 8 weeks. But my body needs it. I think I have 4 classes left, so I need to get 10 more. I've been wearing my pedometer consistently for about a week. I've been doing OK with my step-count. Yesterday I only got up to around 6K. So today I'm shooting for 12K. There's no excuse, really, because I have a fitness center with a treadmill. I went to the library yesterday and got more books. I had gotten a grip of books about running (I'll discuss those when I update my MV blog), but I wanted to get back into some regular health and fitness books. So I picked up the Mayo Clinic books again (Healthy Weight for Everybody and Fitness for Everybody). They have a new one, well new to me, The Mayo Clinic plan : 10 essential steps to a better body & healthier life, so I got that, too. Then I got these two books that look like textbooks. One is called Physical Activity Epidemiology and the other one is about developing strength training programs. I also got more books on Pilates and working out on the ball (I even got an Idiot's Guide for the ball). I need to come up with a strength training routine that will work for me to tone my arms, abs, upper thighs, and back. Those are my target areas. So I'm gonna read that and come up with what I'm going to do. I'll have a variety of exercises I can do so I don't get bored, using either weights, resistance bands, or my own body weight. Then I also got a book on cross training (I think it's for Dummies).

So that's that. Look for an update in my MV blog later today as well.

What is goin' on???

More details later, but I've gained a lot of weight in the last week or two. I'm at 193.5. I don't know what happened. I've just been eating and eating. I don't know if it was being on spring break or what. All I know is I need to get it in gear. More on this later.

I'll run a marathon when PIGS fly!!!

I totally forgot!!! I've decided to train for a marathon! Now, I don't know if I'll *run* in the marathon, but I'll definitely walk. So I'm going to start training now for next year. That way, if I *do* decide to run, I'll be already training for it. We'll see. I'm kinda excited to have something to work toward.

http://www.flyingpigmarathon.com/

I have a friend who is also going to do it, but I think she's planning on running. I'll definitely keep y'all posted on this. I'll probably start a blog about training for this once I start, cuz it'll need to be separate from this. Just to track how many miles I walk each day and at what pace, etc. Maybe I'll add jogging or sprinting (for only 90secs) to my walks. We'll see.

I just know that when I accomplish THIS, I will feel SO good about myself and it will solidify in my mind just how healthy I really am. Losing the weight is not enough for me, I really want to be FIT!!!

Why am I super excited about this, though?

Measurements (YEAH BOYEEEEEE!!!!!)

Ok, here they are:

Bust - 37.5 (was 44.5 in 2002)
Upper Arm - 11.5 (was 14.25 in 2002)
Waist - 32.25 (was 39 in 2002)
Hips - 40.5 (was 48.5 in 2002)
Upper Thigh - 26 (was 30.5 in 2002)
Calf - 14.5 (was 16.5 in 2002)
Wrist - 6.5 (didn't measure this in 2002, but a bracelet bought in 2003 is now too big)
Ankle - 8.75 (didn't measure in 2002)
Back - 33 (was 34.5 on 11-11-06; didn't measure in '02, but wore 42D bra, not sure of new size, but my bras were all too big)

So it looks like I've lost almost 7 inches off my waist! And my thighs ARE shrinking even though they don't look like it! And my BACK!!! I complain all the time about the back-fat, but it's shrinking, too!!! Monique, you are doin' something right, you just have to IMPROVE on what you're already doing and KEEP doing it!!! I have lost a grand TOTAL of 32.75 inches!!!

Motivation like a mug!!! I just stopped typing and started back; I've been dancing around my living room for like 30mins. I've gotten over 4,000 steps from it, too!!!! I can't wait until I have the body of MY dreams!!!! Not what media tells me I should want, but how I picture my body. I'm motivated and I'm ready to drop these last 25lbs.

OK, back to my dance work-out. :)

OH! I need to shout out my sorors Tra and Cheleski for the encouraging comments!! We help each other...

Stay encouraged!!!!

Slowly, surely...

I'm gettin' back into gear!!! I'm down to 176.5 as of this today (I haven't eaten today, yet, though). I did some stability ball exercises this morning (that I got out of Fitness magazine). I'm mad it's gotten so cold cuz that totally nixes walking outside. But that's cool cuz I move a week from tomorrow and I'll have a fitness center!!! Even though I said I'd never lift another weight, I think I may do a little weight lifting. I have a new friend who used to be a football player and now is a health/PE teacher. Little does he know he's about to be my personal trainer (as far as weights go). Even though I'ma continue with Pilates, I am paranoid about burning the back fat, arm fat, and ab fat. So I'ma do Pilates AND a *little* weight training. It's the Feast of Unleavened Bread, so I can't eat anything that has leavening in it (yeast, baking soda, sodium bicarbonate, etc) and I'm sure that has contributed to the weight-loss. Y'all know how much I eat bread! This is the ONLY week out of the year that I don't. And I'm only halfway through the week. The truth? I don't miss it all that much, but it can be inconvenient. I mean, I wanted a PBJ sammich the other day. Instead, I had to cook. Which is good, right? I made mac-n-beef, a BIG pot. I'm so sick of it; I'ma freeze most of the rest and make some chili. I REALLY need to find some Matza if I'ma make chili. I can't eat chili without some type of carb. That's not totally true, I've done it before, but it will make me miss bread/crackers. Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm about to take my measurements and post and compare to the last time I took them and to my original measurements from 2002. I've also taken pictures that I plan to post as soon as I can get them on a disc. Ok, so lemme take the measurements. BRB...

It's on...

Sunday was an absolutely gorgeous day. GORGEOUS. So y'all know what I did? That's RIGHT!!! I went walking! I walked over 4 miles and I had a great time doing it! But I was sore as all get out the next day AND I had a blister on my heel. But I still enjoyed it. And I've been consistently OUT of the 180's for the past three days or so. I was 177 the other day and 179 (BOOOOOOOOO) this morning. But the point is, the second digit is a 7. :) So I'm getting back on the bandwagon, slowly but surely. I went roller skating last week, too, for about 1.5hrs. That had my body sore, too. But it's all good.

I do have to get something off my chest though. I was looking at some online weight-loss testimonies and this one chick's before picture was around the same weight I'm at now. BUT, this chick's body looked WAY better than mine. Ok, she was 1.25 inches taller than me, but STILL. Her body looked nothing like mine. :( Now I feel conflicted because the other day, this man was giving me compliments and one of them was that I had a nice body. I'm like, who? ME?! Please, you haven't seen me naked! LOL! But it still made me feel good, because sometimes I forget I have a different body and I'm not really all that used to it. So right after I get lifted up a little bit, I come right back down after seein' ol' girl's pics. *sigh* I know I shouldn't even be comparing myself to someone else, but it's hard. It really is. And no matter what anyone says, I'm continuing on with my weight-loss journey. I don't care if other people think I look OK, I clearly am not happy with how I look. Ok, that's not totally true, either. I do kinda like how I look . . . . . . IN MY CLOTHES. I'm kinda thick and I like it. But I don't like how I look naked. I don't. I actually think it's disgusting. I'm glad we wear clothes, lol. Cuz I'd hate to hafta even do y'all like that!

So I guess I said all that to say, I need to work on staying within and focusing not on without. My body is my body and so what what someone else's body looks like. Haz bien y no mires a quien in spanish means "do well and don't look to others" or "mind your business." And that's what I need to do: focus on me, do well, and not look to others.

In weight loss...

the phrase no news is good news just doesn't ring true. So that let's you know that I have no good news, lol. I don't have any bad news, either. I haven't gained nor lost any weight. I'm still 182.5. I fluctuate down to 179 and up to 185, but I always come back to 182.5. I haven't been exercising, not even going to Pilates. The snowstorm a few weeks ago totally threw me off schedule and then making up those hours the next week at work... I just haven't seemed to be able to get back on track. But I have a new job now and I'm moving next month. My new complex has a fitness center in the basement, so I will have NO excuses! My eating habits have been even worse. I have pretty much been eating whatever the hell I want. So sad. I'm trying to get it in gear, but it's kinda hard. I know as soon as it's nicer (read: warmer) outside, my habits will change. I'll be able to walk and I don't waste calories burned on food. Well, sometimes, I do, lol, but not like I've been doing. I'm surprised I haven't gained any weight, for real. I'm ready to lose these last 30 pounds or so. I feel good about myself, though, but I want to feel totally confident all the time. And that won't happen until there is no gut and no back fat. So I need to get it in gear. As much as I feel like I could never succeed on that Fat Smash diet, I'm starting to think I need to do it to cleanse my system. I already know how to eat, I'm just not doing it. And I've eaten SO much junk, I need to cleanse. And I haven't been juicing because I really want a new juicer. I HATE cleaning mine. I know if I get a new one I'll juice more often. Every day, shoot. I need to go 'head and work that in my budget, lol.

Well, that's all. Not off the bandwagon completely, it's always in the back of my mind. And I have to be honest, I'm loving wearing smaller clothes! I really am enjoying my physical transformation. And I'm proud that even though I haven't been eating right or exercising, I've maintained my weight. That lets me know that once I reach my goal weight I won't gain the weight back. And that's so reassuring and motivating, too.

Stuck

is how I feel. Not like most people, though, cuz I'm not at a plateau. Nope, I'm just not exercising and not being disciplined with my eating. I have one good day, then I fall off. Then I get back on the wagon and then I fall off. One of the problems is that my kitchen is a mess and I haven't cooked anything in like two weeks. Lazy and triflin'. That gets taken care of today after my morning shot of internet. So I gained back the 3.8lbs that I lost at the last meeting. Haven't been to weigh-in cuz of the weather and doing my hair (different story, different blog). and now I'm back to where I started in the first place. ARGH! It's SO frustrating; I just wanna be out of the 180's!!! Some days I'm like, Monique, just ride it out and quit stressin'. But other days I'm like, if you do that, you'll end up 250lbs again, so keep stressin'. Not stressin' stressin', but y'all know what I'm sayin'. So it's always on my mind. Today, I'm back on the wagon. Cleaning my kitchen and cooking a nice dinner. Doing some walking today cuz I'm going thrifting. I'm buying a digital camera in a few days so I'll take pics again and compare to my original "before" pics, but really to serve as my new before pics. I need to visualize this journey again and focus. Cuz I haven't been focusing at all. I have to remember I'm not like most people; I actually have to watch what I eat. And clearly not walking is making a huge difference! I need to exercise. I don't know why I haven't been to the rec center; I've had a car for a month and a half, so really there's no excuse for it. I can't wait until the weather warms up and I can walk outside again. And I'll be hired on at my job where they have a fitness center that has aerobic classes and I can't wait for that either.

The bottom line is IF I WANNA SEE CHANGE, I HAVE TO EARN CHANGE.

How could I forget?!

We had a wellness screening at work the other day. I went and had my blood pressure checked and my cholesterol. Guess who raised her HDL??? ME!!! I went from 47 to 58! I'm actually HEALTHIER!!! YAY!!! YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!! It has truly been a good week.

Today at lunchtime I decided I'd go to the cafe and get me something good and fattening. I get down there and decide to just get what I always get if I buy lunch (which is not often): a grilled chicken breast, baked potato, and broccoli. That's it. Oh, I used margarine and sour cream. I'm going to buy some butter spray to take to work, though. So when I get off, I go visit a friend of mine and he suggests grabbing a bite to eat. I didn't even get anything; I figured I'd just have cereal for dinner. I am SO proud of me!

GO MONIQUE!!!

I'm goin' down!

As I typed that I realized it had sooo many meanings. But for the purposes of this blog, it's all about the poundage. I lost 3.8lbs this week for a total of 2.8 since re-joining WW. I've lost all the weight I gained on the binge and then some. Good job, Monique! Way to get back on track!

Have I said I love my Pilates class? I LOVE IT!!! My legs are definitely getting stronger. And I think I can feel muscle starting to form underneath all of my abdominal fat. I think there may actually be some muscles under there!!! I pay a lot more attention to my posture now. And I've lost an inch from my upper thigh! Now I haven't measured since about a month before I started Pilates, so there's a chance I may have lost a little before, but I don't think so. I can tell I'm losing inches because the clothes I got when I went thrifting are even fitting differently, a little looser. Not too big, just more comfortable, I guess.

I'm getting used to the new me, I really am! I saw some old friends this weekend and everyone commented on how young (and thin) I looked. Who KNEW that losing weight would give me a youthful appearance? I sure didn't!

All in all, I feel good about myself!!!

Wow, what a week-and-a-half it's been. I joined WW again; I got a monthly pass this time. It's the best value. So I weighed in on 1/10 and was 186.2 (according to their scale; my home scale said 182.5 and I will always go with my home scale). Anyway, then I ate and ate and ate and ate some more. Pretty bad binge; I gained 9.5lbs. I just could not face my weigh in on the 17th cuz I was still 6-7lbs up. By the 18th, I knew I had to face the music, so I went to a different meeting and weighed in. I was only up 5lbs, so some of it had begun to come off. This morning I weighed myself and I'm about 183-184, so I'm getting back to where I was, but my goodness, what a waste of time. I'm starting to phase into the Fat Smash diet, so I should lose a little more. Well, actually, I don't know. I just finished dinner, and I don't know if I can go more than 9 days with no meat. So I think that I'll be doing FS modified for 9 days (lots of fruits & veggies, no caffeine, no meat, no white potatoes, no sugar, no snacks except popcorn, and no bread). I should still lose a decent amount of weight. I just made a pot of pasta. The pasta is 1pt per serving, 6 servings in the whole box, so that's only 6pts. I made my own sauce with onions, green peppers, garlic, and tomatoes; then I added 3 cans of tomato sauce, all 0pts each. So the whole pot of pasta is 6pts, STILL 1pt per serving! Then before I go to bed tonight I'm going to make a pot of chili with kidney beans, garbanzo beans, and lentils. I haven't decided if I'm going to put corn in there or not. Now I just need to go to the grocery store for produce, yogurt, and grits. Oh, and some more lentils. I have found some recipes online for different types of chili and also curry dishes; there are lentil dishes in both categories. I also need to get some sweet potatoes. So I have some ideas to get me thru the week, but I still can't see being a vegetarian. I guess I'll see how the week progresses. I might have to take my chances at cloned poultry. I just can't see giving up turkey or chicken. Beef would be easy because I only eat it about twice a month. Lamb I only eat at Ethiopian restaurants, but I can't imagine the rest of my life with no Lamb Tibs and Collard Greens. DAMN SCIENTISTS!!! Can't leave Yah's creation alone! What's wrong with plain old animals???? Why clone them in the first place, but MY GOODNESS, do they have to SELL them, too??? And FUCK YOU FDA!! How dare you even consider not labeling cloned meat????? SIMPLE ASSES. Y'all don't know the effects of eating this meat after YEARS, so WHY would y'all allow that? I'm outdone about the whole thing, really. I thought this was a no-brainer, I really did. Hell, for all I know, the mofos runnin' the FDA might be clones themselves. This might be the beginning of the (Matrix) revolution. Or we may have been eating cloned meat for who knows how long, since they cloned that sheep over in Switzerland I think it was, and that's how they know there are no effects for at least a few years. I don't know. All I know is I thought I was lettin' the meat go cuz who wants to eat a science fair experiment? But I LIKE meat. And I don't want no damn substitute, neither. Soy is aight sometimes, but NOT for the rest of my life. I need some meat in my life. I'll be cool these next 9 days or so, but after that, it's back to meat. That's how I forsee this whole thing going. I'll keep reading up on vegetarianism, and I'm reading Dr. Ornish's book, Eat More, Weigh Less (I didn't give it a chance last time because I wasn't tryna hear not eatin' meat). Maybe poultry will become to me like beef has, a couple times a month. Who am I kidding? I'm a walking stereotype: I LOVE chicken. I've already cut back on fried chicken, but I can't let go of the bird. I can't. I need to do some research and see how this cloning thing is going over in other countries. Cuz we are gettin' totally screwed over here in the States. I'm starting to wish I'd grown up on a farm and learned how to raise livestock. Hell, I also wish I woulda paid more attention when my mother and sister were in the garden cuz then now I would know how to grow my own produce. But it's not too late to learn how to do that. Ok, so that's food, lol. What a ramble.

Exercise. I have been going to Pilates. I went to my 4th class today. I'm really enjoying it!! And I can tell it's a good work-out because I am SORE the next day!!! I'm going every Sun, Tue, and Thu. After the first 10 weeks, I'll drop down to 2 days a week and do one day at home alone. But I'm going to take 30 classes at the place because I want to see if I really have a whole new body after 30 sessions. I can already tell (after only FOUR sessions) that I'm getting muscle tone in my arms and my legs. ESPECIALLY my legs. The muscles are still clearly covered in fat, but they're there. Motivation and inspiration to keep going. I've been slacking on my aerobics, though. I didn't do ANY last week. So this week, I'm shooting for 3x a week. That will be 6 days of activity, even though Pilates is "light" activity. Although I did break a sweat today. It was an awesome class! I see I'm going to love Sundays!

I don't know what I was trippin' off of . . .

WHY would I wait 8 weeks to take a Pilates class? If part of my ultimate goal is to tone my muscles, WHY would I "reward" myself with the very thing that will help me meet my goal 8 weeks into it???? That's just plain stupid. Instead, I'm going to go when I get paid. If I'm serious about making this a priority, then I need to quit being so frugal and pay for a set of classes. After doing some more internet research, I realize that the classes are not THAT expensive for the mat or the ball. It's the equipment classes that make them expensive, and I'm not ready for all that yet. At least that's how it works at the cheapest place I've found which is funny cuz that's the place I figured would be the most expensive. The truth is, it's the same price as the belly dancing classes I took (and want to start taking again). So no more waiting. Plus, I'm tired of my back hurting all the time. No time like the present. As I read thru this blog, I'm constantly not doing something I said I'd do, and I'm tired of it. So no more complaining about having a flabby body. No more complaining about not doing strength & flexibility training. NO MORE! I need to get on the ball!

Speaking of the ball (lol), I did some exercises with my stability ball the past couple days. Trying to ease back into things, I guess. Did some ab work yesterday and some squats today. Man! I'm so out of shape. I mean, I know I'm in much better shape than I used to be, don't get me wrong, but I know I still need to be in much shape than I am now. I have to admit though, I did much better on the ball this time around. Well, that can't really be true cuz I really didn't do anything all that involved with the ball. I guess I just felt more confident.

These are my confessions

When I was in Express and The Limited today, I felt terribly out of place. I felt very self-conscious as I looked for clothes, like everyone was looking at me and thinking I shouldn't be in there. Even after trying on the first size 12's, and feeling a certain sense of pride and immense JOY, I still felt like I was in a secret club I had snuck into. It was the ODDEST feeling ever. I think the problem is that I don't have the slightest idea what I look like. It's like, whether I can fit into the clothes or not, I still feel FAT. And it's some sick kind of conflict because I can tell I've lost a lot of weight and I think I look good . . . in clothes. But naked? Or in too big clothes? I don't think I look good at all. And, until today, I have been in too big clothes. So it's no wonder I don't feel as confident; I'm in a whole new skin. I know all about being a size 14-24, but going into these stores and being able to fit these sizes, well, it's gonna be an adjustment. I guess it's no different than any other change, you have to adapt. It's just that I always thought of losing weight as such a positive experience, and I never anticipated any negative or adverse feelings. But in that store earlier today, I didn't feel quite right. Still felt like I didn't belong. So weird.

MEGA MILESTONE!!!!!!!

OMG!!!!! OK! I went to the mall today for two reasons: to walk (needed the extra steps) and try on clothes and see what size I'm in. Remember my Size 14 GAP jeans? Well, I need a belt with them now. They aren't falling off and they still kinda fit, but they are a bit looser than they need to be. Especially in the back; I HATE THAT!!! Anyway, I figured it was time to try on clothes again. My first stop? Express. Guess who could fit a 12? In my very best Elle Woods voice: ME!!! I couldn't believe it. And I don't mean suck-in-the-gut fit, either, I mean FIT!!! Except they didn't have any longs, so everything I tried on was too short. No matter, cuz I wasn't buyin' nothin' anyway, but still. I love my height, but it's only an issue when I'm buying clothes. I couldn't imagine being any taller than 5'8". Where do y'all buy pants? Better yet, ankle length dresses/skirts? Shopping is the only time I'll readily admit I'm taller than the average female (I live in denial, ok?). So my next stop was the Limited. I could fit their 12's ever better than Express!!! My next stop? Bath & Body Works cuz I felt like I deserved a reward. And lemme just say, WHY are they discontinuing my FAVORITE scent?!?!?!?! Sandalwood Rose. *sigh* I'ma hafta stock up. Today I only got two lotions and a shower gel. I'ma go back next week and get more lotion. I can't believe they are discontinuing it. I can't. That is so bootleg. They don't NEVER discontinue stuff I don't like. EVER. All that flowery mess is still up in there. But my faves (strawberry lemonade, pearberry, and now sandalwood rose) always get cut. Hardly cool. Hardly. Anyway, so y'all know what came next, right?

You guessed it: THRIFTING!!! I had to go to get new clothes!!! I've been wearing the same stuff over and over just mixing it up differently and I'm bored and tired. AND I haven't been dressing like myself. Jeans all the time, and I don't even like jeans all like that, but I have to wear what fits, right? Anyway, lemme TELL y'all!!!! I got a 100% wool sweater (MEDIUM!!) for 45 cents! Ironically, it's an Express sweater. I also got two pairs of pants (one Express, one Limited, both SIZE 12!!!) for $4 each, AND they're LONG! I got an Express skirt (yep, another 12) for $4. Now ain't it a trip that I went to both of these stores and couldn't find anything to fit quite right, yet I find their stuff in the thrift store and it fits PERFECTLY!!!!! OK, what else? Another 100% wool sweater for $2.25 and yet another for $1.50. A PINK 100% wool blazer, $1.50!!!!!! Basically, I spent $45 and I got two pairs of pants, a skirt, two blazers, five sweaters (4 of them grey/charcoal grey, lol), two oxford shirts, a blouse, and two turtlenecks (one was 90 cents!). OH!!! How could I forget: a pair of black loafers (that look BARELY worn) for $1.50 and a cute little black purse for a QUARTER!!!!! (I also got a 100% wool skirt (charcoal grey, lol) for $1.50, size 12, but it doesn't really fit. Goal skirt.) Man, you couldn't get two pair of pants, hell one, really, for $45, and look at all the stuff I got! I LOVE THE THRIFT STORE!!!! I might love it as much as I love the library. Maybe. I'ma find out what day they get their shipments in because I know I can find some good bargains (Coach purses, appliances, etc) on those days.

*sigh* Last but most certainly NOT least, the scale. I got on it today and it said 178.5!!!!! I'm trying not to get TOO pumped about it, cuz it's liable to go back up, but I'ma go 'head and enjoy it, lol.

In the words of Ice Cube, today was a good day!!!

Update, goals, etc...

Well, I'm currently 181lbs (I have been up to 184 and back down since my last entry), so the scale is still moving down, praise YAH. But I'm motivated for this last stretch. I'm not sure what my final goal weight is anymore. But what I do know is this: I need to get to a "healthy" weight, and that means a BMI of 24.9 or lower. And THAT means 163.5lbs. So here's my plan: to lose 20lbs by 4/20. That will put me at 161, in about 15 weeks. I think I can do it. I've set benchmarks and a reward system as well. I will check in every 4 weeks or so, to see if I'm on target with my goal, with a small reward of some sort. Then at my midpoint (10lbs lost around 8 weeks in), I will enroll in a Pilates class. See, my rewards still have to be health related to keep me motivated and on track. Plus, Pilates classes are expensive, so I need to treat it as a real treat to appreciate it. When I reach 163.5lbs, I will have a Pre-Goal Celebration. I know it seems silly to celebrate a mere 2lbs before I get to my goal (short-term, not final), but reaching a healthy weight is SO important to me. I started this journey OBESE. I was TOO happy to become Overweight. But my whole point in all of this is the be healthy. When I reach 163.5, I will be free of all weight-related health risks. And THAT is cause for celebration!!! So I'm going to go on a Stay Healthy For Life shopping spree. Nothing too major, just buying stuff that I need to maintain my healthy lifestyle. *giggling* Who knew I'd ever even have a healthy lifestyle? Go girl!!! Anyway, on my SHFL spree (I call it my shuffle spree, lol) I'm going to buy a wok, a new knife set, measuring cups/spoons, cookbooks and other nutrition resources, a crock pot, and a wheatgrass juicer. Then when I get to 161lbs, I'm gonna have a half-day at the spa with a pedicure, full body massage, and maybe some hot stones, or something. But my goal is not just to lose 20lbs, either. My main focus is going to be toning and building some muscle. I REFUSE to be flabby and just a smaller version of my fat self. I REFUSE. So I'm seriously going to do something about it.

I'm actually excited about this last leg of my journey. I've decided to start going back to WW meetings. Here's the thing, since starting WW on 4/19, I've lost 37lbs. It's been 37 weeks, and I only attended meetings the first 12 of those. But I still lost an average of a pound a week. So I'm not going back because I'm not doing OK at it alone. I'm going back to make SURE I stay focused and to become a Lifetime member and hopefully a leader. I've decided to purchase a monthly pass because I'll get more for my money that way. For cheaper than the cost of simply attending meetings, I can attend as many meetings as I want AND get e-tools. So that's the plan.

And y'all know I'm still reading everything I can get my hands on. I have at home right now The Fat Smash Diet (which I'm actually going to give a chance, thanks Soror T!), The Good Carbohydrate Revolution, Mayo Clinic's Healthy Weight for Everybody, Mayo Clinic's Fitness for Everybody, Antioxidant Revolution, Getting Thin and Loving Food (by Chef Kathleen), Jillian Michael's book, a book called How Fat Works, Vitamins: Fundamental Aspects in Nutrition and Health, and a couple food count books by Corinne Netzer.

I went home a couple weeks ago and a friend of mine (who I've known since we were 16) saw me and said, "OMG, Monique, you are high school skinny!!" At first, I was like, whatever, girl. But after I got back home, I actually saw what she meant. It's a shame that we can't always see the progress the way someone who hasn't seen you in months can. It just made me feel really good to know that I've actually accomplished something and people can TELL. And this is a conscious effort. So it's nice to know that I'm being successful.

I guess that's it for now. Off to fitday.com to enter my food for the past week. Until next time, stay encouraged!!!

Update, I guess

Well, the scale started moving DOWN again!!!!! The week before last, I lost 4lbs! Took me to 184. Then last week, I lost 1lb, so I was 183 at the beginning of this week. Today, I was 181. I kinda had a bad day yesterday, totally overate. And I'm doing HORRIBLY with Core. I don't know if I'll be able to transition to Core like I wanted or not. I mean, I never thought I'd make the changes I've made, so I guess anything is possible. But what I know right now is that trying to eat only Core foods is HARD AS HAYLE. I'd be done with my WAP by the 3rd or 4th day of the week. And then what? But here's the thing, even when I go over my points, I'm usually still under or around 1500 calories. And it's not very often that I'll go over 2000. I have my days, but they are few and far between, like maybe twice a month. So I'm fairly proud of that. I'm SO ready to be out of the 180's. You know, it's a trip. You wait SO long just to be in ONEderland, but that high doesn't really last that long. Don't get me wrong, I am TOTALLY enjoying myself in the mirror, but it's bittersweet because I still look at the things that need to change. And I am constantly chastizing myself for not doing what I know I need to be doing. For example, I have never looked at my back before, like REALLY looked at it. So last week, I started, and you know what I noticed? My top back-fat-roll is diminishing. I got PUMPED when I noticed it. But immediately after that, I looked at the middle back-fat-roll and got mad at myself. It is still there in FULL FORCE. Now, I don't know if strength/flexibility/weight training would help or not, but if I were actually DOING it, I WOULD know. And THAT'S what ticked me off. How can I look in the mirror and have the NERVE to be disgusted by back fat when I'm not doing EVERYTHING I can to get rid of it? That's just ridamndiculous. One of the quotes I wrote in my food journal is "if you want to SEE change you have to EARN change." If I want the backfat to disappear, I need to MAKE it disappear. No more 'tools of incompetence' for THIS sista!

I have another magazine subscription that I adore. A friend of mine has a daughter who's a Girl Scout and they did a magazine drive, so I got two subscriptions and one of them was to Fitness magazine. I've never read it or even seen it, but it seemed like a good idea. I got my first issue this week and devoured it! It's FULL of good information. I like it because it doesn't focus just on weight-loss. And that's good for me because sometimes I get so caught up on that I can't see the forest for the trees. I'm trying to prevent disease and all that, but I forget that I need to tone my muscles. I NEED to. Not to look good, but they will help burn more fat, which will help me slim down faster, and be healthier faster. So why am I not doing it????? I think it might intimidate me or something. Or maybe it's cuz it's not easy. Exercising is fairly easy cuz I walk. And I like to walk. Or I dance, and I like to dance. I don't enjoy strength and flexibility training. I WANT to enjoy it, but I'm not into it all like that. Now, I want to take a Pilates class and start back taking belly dancing classes. I WANT to tone and stuff, but I don't have any motivation to DO it. I really need to get it together.

Silver lining? I'm buying a car next week. So I'll be able to go to the rec center and walk around the track. Won't be the same work-out since it's flat and no hills, but exercise is exercise. Then hopefully I'll get hired on (in February) at the place I'm working at right now cuz they have a fitness center. THEN I'll really have no excuses! I'm trying to stay positive and stop the emotional eating. The truth is, I did good yesterday. The old me would have gone and gotten a pint of ice cream and some cookies to go with it. Instead, I ate what I had at home, so I overate but it could have definitely been worse. I had some good fat, Planters NUTrition, got some tryptophan from popcorn (94%ff), but I had some bad fat, too, chocolate chip cookies. I needed somethign sweet. But it coulda definitely been worse.

I'll be back when I'm in the 170's. Reward at 175lbs!!!

At 181, I'm 36lbs away from my goal!!!!! I CAN do this!!!

Forgot a couple...

milestones/compliments. Milestone first. I fit comfortably in seats on public transportation! It used to be uncomfortable if I had to share the seat, but now it's not. I don't even look for the skinniest person to sit next to like I used to. And I forgot my friend told me that my face looks skinny (or skinnier, I forget what she said exactly). So Kudos to me! :)

Also, I was wrong about maintaining. I LOST A POUND LAST WEEK!! I don't know if I mentioned that I'd bought a scale, but I did. I weigh myself at least once a week (ok, ok, sometimes I do it daily, what can I say? I'm obsessed.) and document it in my food journal, just as if I were weighing in at WW. I'm at 188. I was at 189 last week. So maybe I'm getting it together. What I DO know is that I was at 186 and I'd like to get out of the 180's. Maybe I should start making small goals. I'm trying not to focus so much on losing weight, but making changes in my habits that I can actually stick to. So I guess with all the experimenting and whatnot I haven't been as focused on the weight coming off. But clearly if I'm on the scale every day I MUST be concerned. Dunno what to say about that. What I know is that I don't want to be all strict and everything with my food intake. I'm not dieting, so why should I? But I'm still out of habit and eating too many calories. I'm doing OK so far this week. I think the problem is the lack of exercise. But when am I going to fit it in? I wake up at 5am already and am out the the door by 6am. I don't get back home until almost 8pm, then I relax and get ready to do it all again the next day. I barely have time to eat dinner (or cook it since I haven't been cooking all my meals on sundays) let alone exercise. And I have videos at home from the library! I make sure I keep some on hand. But I am doing HORRIBLE at adding activity to my days. I must get better. Even the Curves circuit training is only 30mins three days a week. I should be able to manage that, right? Hmph, I guess I'm lazy. But I'll get it together. Really, when you think about it, what's the rush? If I maintain or lose a little here an there during the winter, and then start back up strong when the weather breaks, so what? Why am I so focused on the goal DATE? I want to be healthy, and I guess I want to do it as fast as possible so that I can maintain my good health. I dunno, I guess I'm rambling.

That's all for today. I'm tired and ready to be at home. While I'll be glad when I no longer have to catch the bus, I wonder how it will affect my activity. I'm sure I'll have less steps. *sigh* Cross that bridge when we get to it. I'm just glad that in the midst of all this turmoil I haven't eaten myself in the ground. THAT'S an accomplishment!!!

Toodles!