Monique's Fantastic Voyage

New blog

2010-12-01T12:04:00.002-05:00

I decided to start a new blog because this is a new journey. I'm doing things a little differently and wanted a fresh start. If there's anyone out there reading, you can find my blog here. Follow Mii on Twitter @WatchMiiLose.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack!

2010-11-22T20:17:00.002-05:00

Well, kinda. I'm back on the bandwagon, but I'm not doing so hot. But here I am, FAILs and all. I have lots of catching up to do, and I'll get to it, but first, I need to get ready to type the stats. Ugh. I'll do it after I weigh in later. It's an outrageous amount, but it's only temporary.

I just wanted to say I'm back. Still on WW. My new workout plan is my Wii. That and keeping up with this 2 year old tyrant they call a toddler. Walking is still my favorite form of exercise, and I do it on the Wii!

Ok, let me get focused. I want to update about the following:

1) Stats: weight and measurements
2) Diet: WW
3) Exercise: Wii
4) 100 Days of Weight Loss

Today is Day 1. I will update everything after I give this little man his "late night snack" and put him to bed.

YAY for being back on the bandwagon!!!

I'M HAVING A BABY!!!!!

2008-02-13T21:54:00.002-05:00

I found out about a week after my last post. So there won't be any updates on weight loss, but I will most likely update about weight gain. I lost 10lbs in the 1st trimester (I'm in my 2nd trimester now, 14th week) due to morning sickness. So I'm trying to gain some weight for my baby!!! I'm not scared about having to lose the weight or anything. I figured I did it once, I can do it again.

I'm so excited!!!!!

I bought a new book today

2007-12-12T18:33:00.000-05:00

And I'm pretty excited about it. It's called 100 days of weight loss. I guess you could say it's kinda like a daily motivation guide. There's 100 days worth of wisdom and activities, so I'm going to do the activities in here occasionally. I'll do them daily in my notebook that I keep for everything weight-loss.

Time for some truth

2007-12-11T20:18:00.000-05:00

I have not been completely honest in this blog, and it's time that I was. This blog is supposed to be no holds barred. And I've been holding back. So let's get it all out in the open.

Not only have I not been following the challenge, I've been seriously binge eating. And what makes it so bad is I've been doing some of it with m manfriend here. After he goes to sleep, I sneak to the vending machine downstairs in the laundry room for snacks. Then I eat them in the living room so he doesn't know. What this tells me is that the behavior is wrong. If it was cool in any way, I wouldn't be hiding and eating. And I plan this stuff. It's sad and it has to stop.

I've eaten ice cream. I baked a cake and went and bought more ice cream. And some cookies. I made the cake with applesauce, and that's supposed to make me feel better, I guess. I tried to gorge on some earlier, but I didn't want all of it, so I only ate half of what I'd served myself, which was still too much. But now, I don't want the cake or the damn ice cream. I don't really have an appetite. And I think it's cuz I'm depressed. Which leads me to my next truth. *sigh* Here goes.

If you'll notice, there is a gap in my blogging between July and November. There is a reason for this: I was pregnant. I didn't say anything in here because I wanted to wait until I was out of my first trimester, you know, wait until everything was set to go well. I was also in denial about how I felt about gaining baby weight. I was saying I was OK with it, but deep down, I was concerned about how I would lose it. All I truly wanted was a healthy baby. I figured I'd lost the weight before, I could do it again. I was SO excited about being pregnant. We both were. Even though we aren't married, we planned it. We wanted our baby. We hadn't kept it a complete secret, but we hadn't told everyone we know, just our closest friends and family.

OMG, being pregnant was bittersweet. I hated being exhausted and nauseated all the time, but I loved having a life inside of me. I couldn't wait until the baby started to grow and move and all of that. I loved watching Zeke talk to my stomach. I loved so much about it. I was scared about whether or not I'd be a good mom. But I was so diligent about my eating habits. I wanted to be as healthy as possible for my baby. I wanted to get enough of all of my nutrients for my baby. I cared far more for my body when I was pregnant than I ever have. But like a lot of pregnant women, I was irritated all the time. I was stressed at work. Then I started cramping and bleeding a little bit. I tried not to worry, but I knew what was happening, I was losing my baby.

On Thursday, October 11, 2007, I went to the emergency room where I learned that I'd already had a miscarriage. I was a mere days away from being out of my first trimester. I was counting down the days until I could tell my good news to everyone. I could not believe it. I was hurting in a way that I never have. I've dealt with depression for years, but never felt anything like this. I had no appetite and I just felt empty, like something was missing. But not like when my parents or good friend passed away. I realized I felt like I was missing a body part, like my arm was gone. One minute, you have a whole 'nother life inside of you, then the next minute, nothing is there. It's devastating. An entire future completely obliterated.

So I decided after a few days that I was fine. And I didn't talk to anyone about it. I felt like I should be OK and I should just move on. I knew deep down I was not OK, but I was trying to make it through. I was just goin' thru the motions. I completely avoided it. totally and completely. Then during the week of November 11th, I missed work. I just didn't feel like myself and I couldn't bring myself to go to work. I'm a teacher, and I just didn't have it in me to give. I mentioned to my friend that maybe it was the anniversary of the miscarriage, but I didn't think any more about it. Until today.

Today is December 11th. And I didn't go to work. One of my lymph nodes in my throat is swollen and it hurts. I lost my voice. It just seems like my body is shutting down on me. This only happens when I'm not taking care of myself mentally, my body makes me take notice. Well, it got my attention today. Last night, my throat started swelling. It hurt when I swallowed and it hurt when I turned my head to the right. When I woke up this morning, I didn't have a voice. But I did have food in my bed: Baked Cheetos and ginger snaps. How is it that my throat hurt just from swallowing, but I still had food in my bed? Not even a swollen and aching throat could stop me from eating. Damn shame.

After I stared feeling better physically, I realized that I still felt bad mentally and emotionally. I knew I was depressed, but didn't know why at first, until I realized what today was. I think that my subconscious is trying to get me to deal with this. *sigh* And I'm not sure I'm ready. What I really want is to be pregnant again. That's all I want. I can't make myself eat right, but I know I would if I was pregnant. How sad is it that I care more about a child than I do about myself? I'm sure being selfless will help me be a good mom, but shouldn't I care about myself and my health anyway, not just because I'm pregnant? I can't even address that right now.

Right now I have to focus on how this miscarriage has affected me, my emotions, my mental stability, and my eating habits. Not to mention my lack of motivation and over feelings of apathy. I don't care about much of anything anymore.

So that's my truth. I can't seem to get it back in gear, and I know that this is the reason. I haven't dealt with this. Until I truly deal with it, I'm not going to be able to manage much of anything. Blogging about it is a start. Talking about it is next. I'll probably start a blog just to address the miscarriage. Something has got to give. There is a huge disconnect in my mind. I want to be healthy, but I'm sabotaging myself.

No matter what, though, I will not give up.

Another documentary

2007-12-10T19:20:00.000-05:00

FAT: What No One Is Telling You

It was ok. Like just ok. But it did make me feel a little better about how I've been feeling about my lack of motivation. Would I recommend it? I dunno. It's not a must see, but it's not a total waste of time, either.

Fat Cells

2007-12-10T18:26:00.000-05:00

From Howstuffworks:

Fat cells are formed in the developing fetus during the third trimester of pregnancy, and later at the onset of puberty, when the sex hormones "kick in." It is during puberty that the differences in fat distribution between men and women begin to take form. One amazing fact is that fat cells generally do not generate after puberty -- as your body stores more fat, the number of fat cells remains the same. Each fat cell simply gets bigger! (There are two exceptions: the body might produce more fat cells if an adult gains a significant amount of weight or has liposuction performed.)

Let's refocus

2007-12-10T17:16:00.000-05:00

Because I've seemingly lost focus. My last post talked about how I lacked motivation. Well, I need to motivate myself in some way. So let's revisit what we're doing and why.

What do I want to change?

Abdominal area: lose all the fat and build muscle. No more big belly!!!
Back area: back fat must go!
Upper arms: get rid of the flab by toning triceps. No more flabby arms!
Upper thighs: get rid of gross fat at top of thighs
LOSE WEIGHT: currently 181.5lbs, goal 150lbs. Must lose 31lbs!!!

What can I do to achieve these goals?

Abdominal workouts to tone abs and core: Hip Hop Abs, belly dancing, Pilates, 10-Minute Solution (ball)
Upper body workouts: Pilates, ball
Upper body workouts: push-ups, Pilates, ball
Lower body workouts: HHA, Pilates, ball, squats, lunges
Do cardio (>= 20 mins) to burn fat. Build muscle to help burn fat.
OVERALL: BE CONSISTENT!!! You can't be successful if you are not consistent.

What will help you achieve your goals?

Schedules for both exercise and meals
Moral support - people to talk to regarding weight-loss
Physical support - someone to help me be accountable for exercise, like a partner or a trainer

WHY do you want to change?

Be healthy - I want to prevent disease and add years to my life.
I want to LOOK BETTER NAKED!!!
I want to have more energy.
I want to prepare my body for getting pregnant.
I want to improve movement and flexibility, especially in sexual activity.
I want to improve my self-esteem and body image.
I want to feel a sense of accomplishment.
I want to create discipline within my life.

What obstacles will I face on my journey?

Fat cells never disappear. I *just* learned this. The only way to get rid of them is liposuction. That means that those cells will always be there, waiting to get bigger. They want to get bigger. So I have to fight the primal urge to feed these fat cells forever, meaning I will always be on this journey. This helps me to understand why it's a lifestyle change and not just a quick fix.
Lack of planning. Sometimes life happens and I don't have time to plan or I just fail to plan.
The munchies
Social engagements (office parties, dinner dates, parties, etc)
STRESS
Basic desire to be lazy, do nothing, and veg out.

What strategies can I use to overcome these obstacles?

Don't feed the fat cells! Be disciplined in your eating. Think before you eat. Remember the WHYs. Be consistent in exercise to burn all those extra calories.
MAKE time once a week (Sundays) to plan for two weeks in advance. Schedule workouts, make & separate meals, review calendar for upcoming events that could sabotage your success (be proactive vs. reactive).
Either stop the behavior or modify it. Munch on fruits and vegetables.
Find out what food & drink will be available in advance so you can decide ahead of time what to eat. Eat a healthy snack before the event so you don't "over-nibble." Always make healthy choices and pay attention to portion size. Make going out to dinner a reward.
Use exercise to combat stress and depression.
Make exercise things that you enjoy doing so it doesn't seem like as much of a task. Dance more!!!

Need motivation

2007-12-06T18:50:00.000-05:00

Because so far on my "challenge," I've done nothing. I haven't eaten right. I have only exercised two or three times since starting. I just haven't been motivated. My weight was 180.5 this morning, and pants that used to be falling off are almost fitting. So I have GOT to get it in gear.

Well, a soror and I decided to exchange exercise videos. We were only supposed to trade one DVD, stability ball workouts. Well, m soror also sent me Hip Hop Abs!!!!! I'm SUPER excited about it! I have a friend who lost a ton of inches by using the videos. So I'm going to start doing them. I did the first one yesterday, but it doesn't count as exercise cuz I barely broke a sweat. AND it's only 13 minutes. Oh, and I tried one of the dance routines. It seems fun enough to motivate me to get my lazy ass out the bed in the morning.

I'm basically just checking in to say I'm trying to get focused. I haven't lost any weight, and I've gained a little, but I will NOT get back to where I was. Hell, I'm not even tryna stay in the 180's. So I have to get my eating under control.

Will post in about a week to talk about how I like HHA.

Still Day 1

2007-11-13T16:40:00.000-05:00

And already I feel as though I've messed up.

I had a LC for lunch. Then I had 5 small chicken fingers. Bad idea. And I had some canned pineapples. That's all. Oh, and some water. No idea what I'ma have for dinner. But considering how I've been eating, today is actually not so bad.

I did have a realization, though. I read a few posts back and noticed something. When I was 178lbs, I was feelin' all sexy and stuff. What happened? What happened between this summer and now? Clearly, I can't really be that much bigger than I was before. Actually, that's not completely true. I may weigh the same, but I feel like I've gained some inches. Maybe it's cuz I'm on my period, I dunno. But the point is, I'm trippin'. Gettin' all bent out of shape when 3lbs ago I felt great about how I looked.

I guess what has happened is I've gotten used to my size. Whereas I used to be enamored with my new size, now I'm used to it and I don't view it as thin anymore. Now, I just see how I'm still overweight and I don't like how I look naked. And this isn't anything new, really. I've been on the LOOK BETTER NAKED kick since starting Pilates. But I'm ready to be DONE with this whole weight-loss and fitness thing. I'm tired of working toward a goal. I'm ready to be AT GOAL. Maintenance forever, that's what I'm ready for.

Oh, and I wanted to blog about my little mini-goal. January 13th is my man's birthday. My goal? To be so confident with my body, that I'm able to do a strip tease for him without feeling self-conscious. By that time, I should be about 75% of the way through the challenge and should be seeing some results. I can't wait to see what I look like!!!!! :) I'ma hafta buy some new lingerie!!!

Truth be told, I'm hoping to be at goal (around 150-155lbs) by the end of this challenge. Even if it means that the last week of the challenge I do FS to pull off the last 10lbs. So be it. I'll continue with a second challenge immediately following this one, just to perfect whatever I accomplish. I'm seriously trying to get MY dream body. That means NO FLAB: no flabby arms and no big belly and no thunder thighs and no back fat. I don't have to look like a body builder or anything like that, but I want to think that I have a nice body. Bump what everybody else thinks, I want to think I have a nice body. That means more muscle, less fat.

I was worried my manfriend would miss my "softness." He always comments on how soft I am (in a good way). So I asked him what he was gonna say after the softness is replaced by muscle. He said, "I'll say you a brick house!" That made me smile. I want him to be happy with me, too. And I guess I shoulda known that if I'm happy, he's happy. I've still had some sexual firsts with him, and I'm enjoying them (I'll spare y'all the details this time, lol). There are more to come, that's for sure. Hell, Fitness magazine even has a Better Sex Workout. I forget which issue that was in, though. What I know is that I will be at goal when I am completely comfortable with my body in the bedroom. When I don't think to myself, "Can I do that? Am I too heavy for him? Am I hurting him?" And all those crazy insecurity-driven questions that I have at the most inopportune times. So I'm looking forward to stripping for him with my newfound confidence (that should be arriving in around 4 to 6 weeks, I'm guessing).

Ok, time to go home and get that Upper Body workout out the way.

Body for Life: Day 1

2007-11-13T08:41:00.000-05:00

So I had something happen this weekend that caused me to really think hard about this whole fitness thing. I have been eating out of control and I'm gaining weight. As of this morning, I'm 181 pounds. Yes, back in the 180's, and NOT happy about it. Anyway, I can tell by the way my clothes are fitting. And I refuse to let it go any further. But that's not what caused the epiphany. My manfriend invited me to a fight party Saturday night. Now, it's not that I didn't know the people throwing the party; we go to Bible class with them. But I just didn't feel like being seen. I felt fat and unsexy. I didn't really have anything to wear. I almost canceled. But I didn't want to disappoint my manfriend, cuz I knew he was looking forward to me attending the party with him. So I threw something together (and felt SUPER bummy) and went. I decided that night that I would gain control of this weight thing. It just can't go on like this, controlling my decisions and making me feel anxious and self-conscious. I have been re-reading my Fitness magazines and a similar story sticks out to me. A lady was on vacation with her husband, and her insecurities about how she looked kept her from participating in an activity. Her husband was bothered by it. And that's how I felt this weekend, that my insecurities will affect my manfriend, and I don't want to let that happen. If I am uncomfortable with how I look, then I have to change it so that I'm no longer uncomfortable. No more will my body image affect the decisions that I make. That means I have to put in the work and the effort required to change.

So I devoured my BFL and BFLFW books. I went through all my Fitness magazines and tore out pages with workouts I'd like to try. I bought a new DVD (10-Minute Solution Fitness Ball workouts) and watched it to create different workouts. I have purchased a yoga mat and some 3lb and 5lb dumbbells. I have everything I need right at home. I tried some of the workouts and some of the moves. I am committed to making this change. So today is Day 1. Already we're off to a bad start, but nothing that can't be fixed. I didn't wake up this morning and exercise. So I will do it as soon as I get home from work today. My plan is to pretty much ease into the 12-week challenge. I am not expecting to be perfect, but I am expecting to make changes and work myself harder than ever. I'll post my measurements in here tomorrow so that I can keep track of inches lost. I can't wait to see how my body looks on February 4th, Day 84.

Exercise-wise, I'm off to a great start, as far as planning goes. Nutrition-wise, I'm not so ready. Today I'm going to plan meals and probably cook some as well. I bought some more Gladware so that I can freeze stuff that I make and have ready make lunches and dinners for the days I'm too tired to cook. I need to go to the produce store for some fruit so I can have snacks. I may do a modified version of FS because even though I don't want to lose weight too fast, I need to detox. I've been eating WAY too much junk. Like, seriously, horrible. Red meat included. So I'm getting back to basics with food and FS detox is a good way to start. Especially since I'm at 181lbs. We'll see. I'm not going to do anything too stringent as far as diet is concerned. I'm going to definitely count my points. And I'm going to drink more water. And I'm going to try to eat 5 small meals every day. I did bad at writing down what I ate last week, but it's a new week, and I'm going to try it again.

Once I get my car back from the mechanic, it opens me up to a world of opportunities, like driving to places to go walking (malls, indoor tracks, etc). Being able to go to the grocery store when I feel like it. Going dancing and to dance classes (I'm going to start belly dancing again).

So here we go. Day 1. Fat and not happy about it, so let's do something about it!!!

Still... being... sitting... Still...

2007-11-07T09:37:00.000-05:00

Still slowly starting. Yesterday I ate all kinds of junk. I won't even get into it, but it was pretty bad. At any rate, I'm pretty much finished re-reading BFLFW. I'm preparing my work-out routine. I'm still on the wagon, I'm just sitting here.

Slow start

2007-11-06T12:35:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a bad eating day. But instead of focusing on how bad it was, I'm instead going to learn from it. Here's what I learned:

No snacks allowed in the house. Not even healthy ones. That pretty much means no processed foods. I can't keep it in the house. I've eaten a whole bag of baked cheetos and 3 boxes of 100 calorie snack packs. Ridiculous!!! So from now on, no snacks. If I want a snack, I'll have to make some popcorn. For sweet snacks, I'll have fruit or cereal.
I need to practice some self-control and get back to proper portion sizes. I was eating cuz I liked the taste of the food, not cuz I was still hungry.

So that's that. But I still wrote everything down. And I'm still focused. It's just gonna take some time to get back in the saddle.

Oh, and I'm still re-reading BFLFW.

If it ain't broke...

2007-11-05T11:55:00.000-05:00

don't fix it. I'm stickin' with FitDay.com.

It's been a long time...

2007-11-05T09:31:00.000-05:00

like, too long. But some things happened (health-wise), and it took me off plan for a little bit. But here I am, back again. And ready and focused, just as before. I'm ready to take control and finish this journey. I'm ready to be in the maintenance phase. So starting today, I'm counting points (even if I go over) and writing down what I eat. I'm going to also go back to Fitday.com (or another site like it) and enter my food so I can see if I'm meeting my nutritional needs. So let's make a list of things I need to get done.

Read Body-for-Life for Women again. Take notes. Create a plan (eating and working out).
Plan meals for two weeks. Breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. Pay attention to portion sizes, nutrient amounts, and POINTS values.
Schedule work-outs. 6 days a week, 3 cardio and 3 weight training.
Take all measurements: weight, inches, BMI, % body fat
You may need one appointment with a physical trainer to get some of the tests ( like %bf)
Make a doctor's appointment to get numbers: cholesterol, blood pressure, glucose levels, etc. Compare with last year and go again in 6 months.
Go through past issues of Fitness and WW magazines to find different fitness tips to try out every now and then to add variety to your workouts.

I think that's a good start. I'm going to look at different sites like Fitday today so I can make sure I'm able to start this week. I'm really excited! I'm a size 12 right now. I went thrifting yesterday, and I got a Limited skirt, size 10!! It fits, but it is a little tight. I give it a few weeks, and it should be much looser. I think I want to get down to a size 8.

At first, I was gonna do FS to give myself a weight-loss boost, but I decided against it. I really want to build muscle and tone my body. I really, really, really do. So I don't want to lose the weight too fast, because then I'll just have flab or skin left over. And I definitely don't want that. So I'm really going to work on building muscle.

So I'm taking a 12 week challenge (BFL). That's only 84 days, barely 3 months. I can't wait to see what my body looks like at the end of the 12 weeks. Then I'm going to do another 12 week challenge right afterwards, to make it a full 6 month process. I'm hoping to drop at least 25lbs over the next 6 months. I'm sure I can do it. This morning, I weighed in at 175.5lbs. I've been fluctuating between 173 and 177 the last week or so. But I'm using 175.5 as my starting weight and 150 as my goal weight. But I don't just want to lose weight, I want to gain muscle!!!

I saw an interval training (cardio) in the most recent issue of Fitness that I want to try. It's on the treadmill, and it seems really intense. I wanna see if I can do it. That's yet another challenge! That's going to be my exercise on my cardio days. Oh, and I'll have extra exercise, too. On Mondays, I'm going to start going line dancing with my FMIL. It'll be fun exercise and I'll get to bond with her, too. I'm going to start back at Pilates, most definitely. And I'll probably take two more dance classes, belly dancing and salsa (or some type of ballroom dance). I have to budget for the dance classes. I'm also going on a financial diet as well, so budgets are a must.

Well, that's all for now. More later, I'm sure.

De plane, Boss, de plane, de plane!!!

2007-07-12T15:54:00.000-05:00

Oh my goodness, how could I forget the plane ride home?! MILESTONE!!! I get on the plane and I end up in a middle seat. Let me list all the differences between now and how it used to be.

1) I didn't touch the other passengers at all!! Normally my thighs or my hips are touching the people next to me. NOT THIS TIME!!!!! I fit in MY seat!!!

2) THE SEATBELT WAS NOT AN ISSUE. OMG! Usually this is the most embarrassing for me on the plane. I always have such an issue getting the seatbelt on and tightened. To the point where people ask me if I need help. Not this time!!!!!! YAY!!!!!! No issue at all! AND I had a grip of extra belt to pull when I tightened it. I was so excited I sent my friend a text about it!

3) I didn't have to walk sideways down the aisle!!! I could face forward like everyone else.

All in all, I just felt totally comfortable in a way that I never have before when I've flown. It really is the little things.

I'm NEVER going back!!! NEVER!!!!

Choosing sides

2007-07-10T19:20:00.001-05:00

So, I find myself conflicted in some sort of way. I am SO happy that I've lost 70lbs, don't get me wrong, but I feel weird about it. Here's what's happened.

I went to DC for about a week because I was a hostess in my friends' wedding. I have to admit, I was excited to see people; I haven't been to DC in like a year and a half. So I was excited. And I knew that people would comment on the weight loss; I was prepared for that. What I was not prepared for is people not recognizing me. WTF? I look the same, albeit 70lbs lighter. But my face looks the same. Ok, it's not as fat, but y'all get what I'm sayin'. I LOOK THE SAME!!! As if that wasn't bad enough (yes, I count it as bad), two people called me SKINNY! Now, let's get one thing straight: I AM NOT SKINNY. At all. I am 5'8" and 177lbs. I could still stand to lose 25-30lbs. I know skinny; I was skinny all growing up until I was 18 or 19. I do NOT want to go back to how I looked in high school; I was too skinny. But to hear people describe me that way now rubs me the wrong way. Why? Because I don't have good memories of skinny people from when I was fat. Mo'nique's voice stays in my head: "Fuck these skinny bitches! Y'all are some hateful bitches. Skinny women are evil and they need to be destroyed!" And now I find myself no longer a "big girl." But I still find myself giving silent props to big girls I see when I'm out. BUT, at the same time, I find myself wondering if my big girls (see what I'm sayin'? MY big girls) are concerned about their health and whether or not they are taking steps to live longer, healthier lives. I find myself seeing overweight people and saying to myself, "Keep exercising and eating right, Monique, or that could be you." And while I'm giving silent props to my big girls, I think (I'm not totally sure yet, but I think) I'm glad I'm not one anymore. And therein lies the conflict. I have absolutely NO desire to be a "skinny bitch." But at the same time, I'm SO glad no one can call me fat anymore. Yet, I still look at super-skinny women with disdain. WTF is that about? It's not cool. It's no more fair than skinny women (or anyone else) looking down on fat people. I guess I blame skinny people for how fat people are treated. And it's not their fault that they're the standard of beauty. They don't perpetuate it at all. I mean, they might eat it up (as in the attention), but they don't create the standard. But no different than whites who take advantage of their privilege, skinny people take advantage, too. And if you talk to them long enough, they'll tell you exactly how they feel about fat people. I remember when I was in college, my roommate's boyfriend was cheating on her. She didn't believe it. Why not? Because the girl in question was thick (let's be clear, she was not FAT, but she was by no means thin). She said, "Why would Darius mess with her? He don't want her fat ass." But he was definitely fuckin' the girl, and we all knew it. But she couldn't BELIEVE that her boyfriend would cheat on her (skinny girl) with a fat girl. That's the shit I be talkin' about. And I don't want to be in that crowd. Inside, I'm a fat girl for life. I will always be a fat girl on the inside. I wonder how long this internal conflict will last. And will I ever be completely comfortable in my skin? Especially since I'm still trying to lose weight and tone. I want to look good for all my hard work in losing this weight! I don't want to just be healthy, I want to look healthy.

What about my friends? For the past I don't know how long, I've been surrounded by mostly big girls. I mean, it's no secret that obesity is running rampant through the black community. So it's no surprise that most of my friends are big girls. Not all, mind you, but most. Well, when I go home or to DC, I'm with my friends, and it makes me a little uncomfortable. Many times, their habits haven't changed, but mine have. I can't eat the way I used to and I'm more active (this is never an issue when I'm out of town, cuz I normally gain weight from eating what I know I have no business and not exercising). This trip was special. I didn't gain ANY weight! AND I exercised a little (not as much as when I'm at home, but still). Why? Because my closest friends in the District are on a lifestyle change journey as well. So we ate healthy and we exercised. And while a lot of my friends said I was an inspiration to them, I still felt weird. Most of my friends have gained weight, and here I am so much smaller. And when people ask me how I did it, I tell them the truth. And I love to talk about my new lifestyle, but in the back of my mind, I'm wondering whether or not I'm alienating folks. I dunno. I hope not. I love my friends.

I guess that's all for now. Back home and back on the exercise bandwagon. I just need to get my toning in gear. Seriously.

X-rated?

2007-05-30T19:36:00.000-05:00

That's how I feel. My weight is still fluctuating between 174 and 179. TOTM is gone, so I'll weigh again tomorrow. This is about changes and S-E-X.

I feel thin. Well, thinner. I'm liking me, a lot. I'm a lot more confident. I almost always feel sexy. I don't know if this has more to do with the weight-loss or getting older and more mature, but I do feel sexy more often. I'm not self-conscious all the time when I go somewhere. It's more like I know I look good and I know I'm going to get attention and compliments so I'm not nervous or anxious at all. Why was I afraid of getting attention and compliments??? I have an idea... But this is all good, so let's keep it moving.

I asked my manfriend if there was a difference in the sex. Now, I love this man. I've known him for about 15 years. He has seen me as a skinny (size 5/6) 18 year old, watched me balloon up to 250+ pounds, saw me get down to a size 16, go back to an 18, and then watched the entire transformation to now, 178lbs and a size 12. He's been thru all of it. But he only experienced the 'fat' sex, when I was between 220 and 250 (size 16 - 18) because we were friends for about 11 years before we decided to try being more. And now he has experienced me at a size 12. I wanted to know what the differences were, so I asked. He said she was easier to get to. I've done things I've never done before!!! See, when I was skinny, I was a virgin. I didn't lose my virginity until around 250lbs or so (age 23). So most of my sexual experiences have been as a big girl. Well, I've FINALLY done it in the shower! How sad is it that I couldn't do it because the logistics of getting my thighs open while I was standing was mind-boggling. Not anymore! If I stand and spread my legs, my thighs don't touch anymore! So it's not even an issue!!!! There is no more moving fat out of the way to get to my treasure spot. He also mentioned that I was really flexible. Now, I give this credit to Pilates. Oh, that and not having a stomach in the way to impede motion and every damn thing else. How great is that?! It makes doing my toes and shaving my legs so much easier!!! And it lets me move my legs in ways that I couldn't before. Maybe I've always been flexible, it's just that my big ol' belly was always in the way.

When I think about things like this, I know I won't gain the weight back. I'm lovin' this way too much! My manfriend complimented me as a big girl, but nothing like now. He looks at me differently. He is always telling me how good I look or how pretty I am or how nice an outfit looks or something. He has a compliment for me every time he sees me. And it didn't used to be that way. I like the way it makes me feel when I receive the compliments, too. And I want to continue to experience that feeling. So I need to stay on track.

And I haven't exercised in a week and a half. I have GOT to get it together!!! I need to take my measurements...

I'm starting to like this

2007-05-14T12:01:00.000-05:00

Well, don't like it too much...

Quotes from one of my favorite movies, Love Jones. But it's true; I'm starting to like this. I'm getting used to my new body. I realize that I'm not BIG anymore. I still think I'm "fat" because I'm not toned. But I'm not hugemungous anymore. I actually feel thin. Yeah, I still wanna get into better shape, but I'm starting to like my newness. I'm realizing some things are just different. I plan to ask my manfriend if there is a difference in the sex (positions, feel, energy, anything). Why? Because I feel sexier. And this is weird because I've gained about 2-4lbs since coming off of FS (I had a mini-binge, but I'm back on task). Yet I still feel sexier. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I'm starting to run? Maybe I feel better about myself because I'm doing better for myself? I dunno. All I know is, I feel like I look good!!! I feel my size. I feel more confident. I don't feel as self-conscious. I don't feel bad about myself, physically. I notice that I catch my reflexion in the mirror a lot more. Now, I've always loved the mirror, don't get me wrong, but there's something different about it now. Before I looked with curiosity, now I look forward to seeing my reflection because I know what I'm going to see, and I know I'm going to like it.

Other things I've noticed - my underwear, way too big!! I haven't been paying too much attention to it, but some I won't even be able to keep as period pannies; they are just too big! When I park too close to the pump at the gas station and my car door hits that little, short, cement pole, I used to couldn't (horrible grammar) fit out the door. Yesterday it happened, and I mumbled, I'm not gonna fit, and I slipped right through!!!!! I couldn't believe it!!! It used to be so embarrassing to have to get back in my car and move it up a little bit just to be able to open the door enough to get out. NO MORE!!!

And I still can't believe I wear a size Medium top. And these size 12 pants are fitting. Not tight at all. Lightweight loose. STILL!!! It's not a joke or a mirage or anything like that! IT'S REAL!!! And I did it!!! AH!!! What a feeling of accomplishment. I'M NEVER GOING BACK!!! I know you should never say never, but I'm saying it! NEVER!!!! I'm enjoying this TOO much to go back to fat, depressed, feeling unsexy and unpretty, self-conscious all the time, drowning my sorrows in food. I didn't even like that life. I like this life! And I'm gonna keep it! Hell, I'm training to run a marathon!!! I mean, I'm running!!! I never thought I'd be able to run for 3 minutes straight and I'm doing it!!! I'm surprising myself in so many new and different ways. I'm showing Me what We can do!

I'm loving it!!!

:-D

Fell off

2007-05-10T19:52:00.000-05:00

for dinner. Ok, see, what had happened was... I wasn't prepared for today. I came home during my planning bell to make some rice real quick and ate that with some lentils for lunch, but didn't have anything else for the rest of the day but some fruit. I had some running around to do before my TNT Kick-Off tonight. By the time I got there (7:10pm), I was FAMISHED. Seriously. I figured, no matter what, they would have salad. Nope. Pizza. I'd left my fruit in the car and I was already a few minutes late (made a wrong turn), so I didn't want to go back out to the car. And I couldn't resist the smell and sight of pizza and bread. The school had pizza for the teachers today, but I didn't eat any; I ate my lentils and rice. I won the lunchtime battle against the pizza. But by dinner, the pizza won. I had two slices of veggie pizza. Papa John's, traditional crust. It was really, really, good. I enjoyed it. And I'll do an extra day of Phase I because of that, too. Two extra days, if I have to. I'ma see what the scale says in the morning, lol. But you know I tried to rationalize it in my head, right? "Monique, you haven't eaten anything in 6 hours . . . you're about to start training for a marathon, you'll take it off . . . you already got over 14,000 steps, you can eat some pizza . . . you've eaten like a bird for a week, you deserve it!" That last one is so sad to me, sometimes. Food is always my reward. No better way to reward myself than with food. And I have a rule about that, ever since starting WW. But did any of that come to mind when I reached for that pizza? Nope. Just how my stomach was about to whoop some ass up in there if I didn't eat something. I have no excuses. I thought about it long and hard before I made the decision. I chose to eat the pizza. I chose to put two slices on my plate. And though it took me about 30 minutes, I ate both slices. And as I look back on the whole experience, I realize I have no regrets.

But let's talk about something positive, shall we? When I got to the Kick-Off Celebration, I got my training shirt. First, I didn't know that you should train in non-cotton items. I'm glad I didn't go shopping first, cuz I woulda got all kinds of cotton stuff. Anyway, the shirt. I'd marked medium as my size on my registration form. When I was picking up my shirt, I asked her to hold the medium up for me and she told me I could try it on if I wanted to. So I went into the bathroom and tried it on and . . . . . . it fit!!! It's not a fluke, I really DO wear a medium top! And it wasn't tight or uncomfortable; I had plenty of room. I can't believe I wear a medium. I know I had on that medium top that one day and all the tops I get from the thrift store are mediums, but sometimes I'm still a little hesitant to just say I wear a medium.

Training for this marathon is gonna transform my body. Run/walking and cross-training and weights and Pilates, all that spells transformation. The long runs on Saturdays teach your body how to burn fat . . . wait . . . I'm reading the nutrition tips, and I don't know if FS is going to work with this. WW still will, but I need carbs for fuel to keep me going during longer workouts and after all workouts. I'm going to have to figure it out. I'm sure a lot of it will be trial and error, but I hope I don't gain any weight "figuring it out."

Phase II: Day 10 of FS

2007-05-10T06:42:00.000-05:00

I COMPLETED PHASE I!!!!! I weighed myself this morning after dancing and the scale loves me!!! 173!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I lost a total of 9.5lbs on Phase I!!!! I didn't cook last night, so half of today will still be Phase I, but I'm eating some type of dead animal for dinner. Probably fish. I want some tilapia. And I'm getting something to drink... as soon as I get off work, lol.

Day 8: meals and nutrient info
(will add later)

Day 9: meals and nutrient info
(will add later)

SMASH IT!!!!!!!!!

I. Love. Dr. Ian!!!!!

Day 9

2007-05-09T07:10:00.000-05:00

I made it!!! I'm on the last day of Phase I and I didn't cheat! Except for getting on the scale. I got on again today (yeah, couldn't even wait a day) and it said 174!!! I've lost 8.5lbs so far! We'll see if I lose one more pound today or half a pound for an even 9lbs lost in 9 days.

I get ready to make my smoothie this morning only to notice that I don't have enough yogurt. I'm scared if I use soy milk it will be too runny, even with frozen fruit, so I'm not gonna do it. I'll make a store run during my first bell to get some yogurt. I knew I needed to go to the store yesterday, but I couldn't remember what for. Now I know.

There is one thing...

2007-05-08T20:20:00.000-05:00

that I miss... beverages. Oh, how I would love a frosty beverage. I'm so sick of water. I guess I could have made iced tea and sweetened it with Stevia, but I didn't think of that until just now. I would love to have something to drink. Maybe I'll make a cup of tea tonight before bed. Whatever.

That's not it. I was thinking of making chili instead of stir-fry (no, I haven't cooked yet; I was dancing, got about 1,000 steps). Then I thought of crackers. I can't have any bread for the next THREE weeks. I have to really think about this. Can I really go the next 21 days with no bread or pasta? Realistically? No. Not if I have to "carb-up" for my marathon training. Now, I don't know if I'll have to carb-up while we're doing the lower mileage or not, but I need to find that out. I guess the fact of the matter is, I didn't think I could go nine days without all this stuff. Actually, now that I really think about it, I can't believe I did this. It's 9:27pm the night of the 8th day and I just realized how much of an accomplishment this is for me. I haven't had any meat, BREAD, CHEESE, junk food, nuts, or CEREAL for the past week. That's actually amazing. And I've had money. I'm not broke. And I still stayed on plan. If you knew me, you'd know how much of an accomplishment this was.

Anyway, as I look at all the things I will be able to have, I think I will be able to do it. I'm going to at least give it my best try, just like I did with Phase I. Lemme go make this chili. It ain't like it's gon' take a long time cuz I don't have to really cook the ground "beef," it only has to warm. Soy is so great and convenient like that.

And why is soy such a huge topic of debate? I haven't read anything YET that has said it's detrimental. I've read that it may not have cholesterol-lowering effects, but that doesn't mean it's not healthy. It still have vitamins and nutrients. But I keep hearing some underground rumors about it not being so great for you. I dunno. If you know, hook a sista up.

Simple

2007-05-08T19:23:00.000-05:00

Just simple. I'ma sit here and wonder how I can get more nutrients. I just looked back over what I ate the past couple days. BARELY NOTHING. I ate all day, but I grazed on fruit. It filled me up, but it clearly didn't provide enough nourishment. It's just that I was running around and I would take fruit with me to snack on while I was out. When I got home, I didn't feel like cooking, so I ate more fruit or I made popcorn. But I could have done better. It's not like I didn't think about it while it was happening ("I hope my body isn't going into starvation mode cuz we're only eating fruit..."), but I didn't want to stop anywhere to eat anything because who knows what I would have gotten. So I ate fruit. I need to do better. For example, I'm tired right now. I would love to take a nap, but it's goin' on 8:30pm. What I need to do is get off the computer and fix some dinner so I can take leftovers for lunch tomorrow. Since tomorrow is the last day, I want to do everything right, you know, go out with a bang.

Ok, lemme do that. What should I cook? Stir-fry? Yeah. Tofu? I'll check the cookbook, but I may hold off on using that. I'm still kinda scared. But I do need something in my stir-fry. Or maybe I don't. Let's see how we do with just broccoli, onions, bell peppers, mushrooms, and bean sprouts. I figure if you can use olive oil to grill veggies, I should be able to use it to stir-fry them, too!

Later!

Day 8

2007-05-08T16:30:00.000-05:00

It's Day 8!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!! Tomorrow is the last day of Phase I, and I made it, NO CUTTING CORNERS!!! I can't even believe it. I'm going to make a special dinner to commemorate it, lol. I was gonna try and extend Phase I, but I think I'll just move forward to Phase II.

Random thoughts. My nutrition. Let's look at the last week overall:

Fat-Soluble Vitamins
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Vitamin A	mcg_RE	1118.1	800	139.76
Vitamin D	mcg	0.333	5	6.67
Vitamin E	mg_ATE	5.5	8	68.75
Vitamin K	mcg	8.6	65	13.23

Water-Soluble Vitamins
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Vitamin C	mg	175.23	60	292.04
Thiamin	mg	1.21	1.1	109.9
Riboflavin	mg	1.34	1.1	121.42
Vitamin B-6	mg	2.41	1.3	185.51
Vitamin B-12	mcg	1.54	2.4	64.35
Niacin	mg	10.39	14	74.19
Folate	mcg	384.69	400	96.17

Trace Minerals
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Iron	mg	11.77	15	78.49
Zinc	mg	7.75	12	64.58
Selenium	mcg	31.3	55	56.92
Copper	mg	1.3	---	---

Major Minerals
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Calcium	mg	365.3	1000	36.53
Phosphorus	mg	773.75	700	110.54
Magnesium	mg	313.44	320	97.95
Sodium	mg	1433.2	---	---
Potassium	mg	2940.5	---	---

I have got to figure out how to get more fat soluble vitamins. But Vitamin D you get from the sun, and I spent time in the sun today (and I don't wear sunscreen). *sigh* I don't understand why it's so hard to get these types of vitamins. And your body makes Vitamin K, too!!! Vitamin A is easy; I just have to eat something orange. But those others... I dunno. *sigh* I'm going to make a concerted effort to do better.

More later...

Day 6 and Day 7

2007-05-08T10:41:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I didn't blog for two days! LOL! Today is Day 8, but I need to add meals and nutrition info for the past two days. And, yes, I'm still on plan! I actually FEEL thinner, so I know it's working. Well, that and I've gotten on the scale twice. I couldn't help it! :halo:

Day 6

11:40am ~ 60-minute walk (8900 steps)
1:40 ~ 4oz veggie sausage, 1/2 cup egg beaters, 6tbsp grits (about a cup cooked)
2 apples
2 cups of grapes
medium banana
10 cups air-popped popcorn
32oz water

11 total points and 1,106 calories. Here's the nutrition breakdown:

Fat-Soluble Vitamins
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Vitamin A	mcg_RE	301.64	800	37.7
Vitamin D	mcg	2	5	40
Vitamin E	mg_ATE	7.22	8	90.24
Vitamin K	mcg	10.19	65	15.68

Water-Soluble Vitamins
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Vitamin C	mg	63.43	60	105.72
Thiamin	mg	1.15	1.1	104.81
Riboflavin	mg	2.7	1.1	245.13
Vitamin B-6	mg	1.57	1.3	121.02
Vitamin B-12	mcg	2.4	2.4	100
Niacin	mg	5.07	14	36.25
Folate	mcg	231.29	400	57.82

Trace Minerals
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Iron	mg	9.59	15	63.96
Zinc	mg	4.64	12	38.69
Selenium	mcg	17.2	55	31.27
Copper	mg	0.902	---	---

Major Minerals
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Calcium	mg	315.52	1000	31.55
Phosphorus	mg	351.09	700	50.16
Magnesium	mg	184.83	320	57.76
Sodium	mg	1309.8	---	---
Potassium	mg	2107.4	---	---

Day 7

8:45am ~ 9oz smoothie: 6oz yogurt, 8 slices frozen peaches, 1 med banana, 1 pkt Stevia, 3 dashes nutmeg
11:22 ~ apple
12:12pm ~ grapes
1:31 ~ 1 cup rice, 1 cup lentils
apple
grapes
apple
watermelon
11pm ~ 10 cups air-popped popcorn
59.5oz water

20.5 points and 1,390 calories. Nutrition info:

Fat-Soluble Vitamins
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Vitamin A	mcg_RE	185.8	800	23.23
Vitamin D	mcg	0	5	0
Vitamin E	mg_ATE	6.26	8	78.29
Vitamin K	mcg	13.91	65	21.39

Water-Soluble Vitamins
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Vitamin C	mg	195.71	60	326.19
Thiamin	mg	1.21	1.1	110.29
Riboflavin	mg	1.23	1.1	111.4
Vitamin B-6	mg	2.24	1.3	172.21
Vitamin B-12	mcg	1.13	2.4	46.93
Niacin	mg	9.75	14	69.65
Folate	mcg	341.58	400	85.4

Trace Minerals
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Iron	mg	9.72	15	64.8
Zinc	mg	8.3	12	69.17
Selenium	mcg	42.29	55	76.89
Copper	mg	1.55	---	---

Major Minerals
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Calcium	mg	499.7	1000	49.97
Phosphorus	mg	1055.9	700	150.84
Magnesium	mg	370.66	320	115.83
Sodium	mg	1106.9	---	---
Potassium	mg	3052.7	---	---

Revelations

2007-05-05T20:40:00.001-05:00

I was reading a friend's blog and it made me realize a lot of things about my own weight-loss journey.

For one, it made me finally answer a question I've been asking myself over the past few months: if I was skinny for 18 years THEN gained (a whole 'nother body worth of) weight, why was I not a skinny person trapped in a fat person's body? Why now after losing the weight do I still feel like a fat girl? Her story helped me to understand why: because I don't have negative memories of being skinny. I mean, the jokes (twiggy, Annie, short for Anorexic, etc) didn't hurt my feelings. But I will never forget things people said or did while I was overweight. The story about her ex-boyfriend really hit home for me, too. My ex-boyfriend just out and out told me one day that I had gained weight and I wasn't sexy anymore. It didn't hurt my feelings at the time because it pissed me off so bad. Not to mention, I didn't think I looked bad. But I have NEVER forgotten it. Nor have I forgotten how people would look at me when I got on the train and had to pick a seat, like they hoped I wouldn't sit next to them. Or how when my sisters would introduce me to people what they said, "This is my little sister, I know she don't look like it, LOL, I guess I should say my baby sister..." It would piss me off every time. They did it ALL the time, like it was a new joke each time. And all of this makes me thing of something else. Growing up, my parents were both overweight (probably obese). Affectionately, I called my mommy Fat Slobby. I have no idea what made me start calling her this, but I did, and I did so lovingly. Now, when I can't even apologize, I wonder if it hurt her feelings at all. I hope it didn't, because I honestly didn't think there was anything wrong with how she looked. And that's probably why I didn't think there was anything wrong with how I looked when I was obese. At least in my clothes, because I clearly knew there was something wrong with how I looked without clothes.

Something else I can relate to: not recognizing myself in pictures! And this to me is the hugest mind screw ever. It took pictures to show me a difference. My mind still held the size 18 image. That's what I saw when I looked in the mirror. Only in the past week have I stood in the mirror and REALLY looked and figured out, I'm NOT a size 18. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has problems seeing myself at the new weight. One thing's for sure, though, I'm not nervous about wearing clothes that fit anymore! No way! I want them to fit!

Constantly learning and growing through this process.

Day 5

2007-05-05T11:46:00.000-05:00

Who KNEW I could make it this far? I am really surprising myself. And I know it's because I really want to succeed. I want to get on the scale soooooooo bad!!!!! But I'ma be strong, lol. Let me post yesterday's meals and nutrient info.

Meals:

11:22am ~ small apple (1)
1:30pm ~ 1/4 cup br rice (1), 1/4 cup lentils (1)
3:15 ~ 1/2 cup rice (2), 1/2 cup lentils (2)
4:05 ~ small apple (1)
8:00pm ~ boca burger (1), 1 cup sweet potatoes (1), 1/2 ear corn (1)
11:00 ~ 1 cup watermelon (1)
1:00am ~ 5 cups air popped popcorn (1)

That is a total of 13 points and 1,363 calories. Nutrient info:

Fat-Soluble Vitamins
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Vitamin A	mcg_RE	4320.8	800	540.1
Vitamin D	mcg	0	5	0
Vitamin E	mg_ATE	4.02	8	50.22
Vitamin K	mcg	0	65	0

Water-Soluble Vitamins
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Vitamin C	mg	82.24	60	137.07
Thiamin	mg	1.21	1.1	110.12
Riboflavin	mg	0.753	1.1	68.43
Vitamin B-6	mg	1.83	1.3	140.48
Vitamin B-12	mcg	0.0079	2.4	0.329
Niacin	mg	9.08	14	64.87
Folate	mcg	796.03	400	199.01

Trace Minerals
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Iron	mg	18.45	15	123.02
Zinc	mg	8.23	12	68.61
Selenium	mcg	32.83	55	59.69
Copper	mg	1.87	---	---

Major Minerals
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Calcium	mg	240.28	1000	24.03
Phosphorus	mg	1111.3	700	158.75
Magnesium	mg	331.08	320	103.46
Sodium	mg	2033.7	---	---
Potassium	mg	3104	---	---

Yesterday was the first day I went over my sodium intake for the day (2K max).

So I'm halfway through FS and doing just fine. Yesterday could have definitely been better. And I also haven't been exercising like I should have been. Because of that, my weight-loss for the week may not be as shocking as I want it to be. I just really want to get on the scale to see how I'm doing. I mean, it's not like it's cheating for real, it's just that I won't be as surprised on Day 10 when I get on the scale. Man, screw that; I have enough willpower with eating, I'ma get on the scale, just to see how I'm doing since I'm halfway through. Then I won't get back on until Day 10. I think that's a decent compromise. So let's go see.

Ok, I had put the scale in the living room closet. So I go get it out, take it in the bathroom and get on. It says 80.6. I'm like, WTF? Did my scale break? Is the 1 broken??? If so, I've only lost 2lbs????? Then I notice the 6 and I'm like, I never get anything but a 5 after the decimal point; WTF? So I look on the bottom, and somehow, it got switched from lb to kg. So I switched it back and got on... 177.5! I've lost 5lbs so far!!!! That's GREAT!!! I hope I lose as much in this last stretch. Even if I don't lose any more, that takes me out of the 180's!!!! So I'm already satisfied with FS. I haven't yet decided if I'm going to move onto Phase 2 or just go back to WW. I think I'm going to do Phase 2. What I've noticed is that I'm basically only eating Core foods. Technically, I shouldn't even be counting Flex Points, I should only count points for foods that aren't Core and take those points out of my WAP. Remember when I tried to do Core and couldn't? Too much bread and cereal. But maybe I can get a hold on it now since FS is re-training me how to eat.

I'm succeeding. I'm not stressing over what I'm going to eat or anything. I'm not longing for the end of Phase 1. I'm not complaining, either. Yesterday, my 9th graders celebrated Cinco de Mayo and we had all kinds of yummy goodies: burritos, tacos, rice and beans, chips and salsa, and and Mexican bread. I couldn't eat any of it. One of the girls brought in chocolate bars and offered me one and I politely told her no gracias. I kinda did want a taco, a soft one, but I didn't REALLY want it, like REAL bad. I just thought, it probably tastes GREAT! And that was that.

You know what else? I'm not having any caffeine withdrawals. Why not??? Last time I was having headaches and nausea. This time, nothing. Isn't that odd?

I'm gonna read the next chapter of FS again and see what Phase 2 is all about.

Day 4

2007-05-04T07:57:00.000-05:00

Did you know that since 1983, May has been observed as National Physical Fitness and Sports Month? I found out yesterday and thought that it was ironic that I'd started FS on May 1st. And it's the beginning of Day 4 and I'm still on plan!!!!! No real cravings, not missing meat, and no caffeine withdrawals! Easing into this a little at a time was a great idea! And what a great month to get my focus back.

Exercising yesterday. Remember how excited I was? Remember? Man. I got to the fitness center in my building and couldn't figure out how to work the treadmill. I mean, I tried for like 15 minutes to figure it out and couldn't. And there wasn't anyone I could ask. When I get home today, I'm going to go at the same time as this one lady so I can ask her how to work it. I felt so slow. So I started some weight training, buy my friend showed up to visit, so I didn't get much done. I did try, though!

Yesterday's meals...

9:18am ~ 1 cup cantaloupe (1)
12:05pm ~ 9oz smoothie (5)

6oz ff plain yogurt
1 large banana
6 frozen peach slices
1/2 cup frozen mixed berries
2 packets Stevia

1:30 ~ 1 cup lettuce, ~ 3/4 medium cucumber, salad spritzer (0)

2:06 ~ Banana (2)

5:13 ~ 1/2 banana (1)

7:52 ~ 1/2 banana (1)

9:27 ~ 1/2 cup brown rice, 1/2 cup curried lentils (4)

1146 calories and only 15 points. Not so hot, huh? Nutrition?

Fat-Soluble Vitamins
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Vitamin A	mcg_RE	622.99	800	77.87
Vitamin D	mcg	0	5	0
Vitamin E	mg_ATE	3.66	8	45.75
Vitamin K	mcg	6.39	65	9.83

Water-Soluble Vitamins
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Vitamin C	mg	220.16	60	366.93
Thiamin	mg	0.973	1.1	88.41
Riboflavin	mg	1.18	1.1	107.18
Vitamin B-6	mg	3.46	1.3	266.42
Vitamin B-12	mcg	1.13	2.4	46.93
Niacin	mg	9.04	14	64.57
Folate	mcg	674.2	400	168.55

Trace Minerals
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Iron	mg	12.49	15	83.29
Zinc	mg	7.26	12	60.52
Selenium	mcg	30.35	55	55.19
Copper	mg	1.46	---	---

Major Minerals
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Calcium	mg	512.97	1000	51.3
Phosphorus	mg	1027.3	700	146.76
Magnesium	mg	347.3	320	108.53
Sodium	mg	1210	---	---
Potassium	mg	4198.5	---	---

I did OK. Still need to do better. If I juiced once a day, I'd get all those nutrients I'm missing, no doubt. Maybe I'll make some juice tonight. I think I will, and I'll add it to my after-workout smoothie.

I haven't eaten yet, so I need to eat something. I can't believe I'm already into Day 4!!!! Go me!!!

Differences

2007-05-03T15:34:00.000-05:00

I'm noticing other things about my body.

First let me say, I carry myself differently when I'm eating and exercising. I sit with better posture, or at least I try to. Or maybe I just feel different. I dunno. It just seems like I notice more stuff. Whatever, maybe I'm trippin'.

ANYWAY...

My legs, well, my thighs. They really are smaller; they don't touch all the way to the knee. And if you're easily grossed out, I apologize in advance, because the next part might be TMI. Ok, my pubic triangle. Mine didn't used to exist unless you lifted fat to find it. Guess what I noticed today? The front of my jeans fit kinda funny, like right in the front. Normally, it's just all full of fat. Well, today it looked funny because part of it wasn't filled with fat and was more of an air pocket: the area of my pubic triangle. The fat doesn't cover it anymore. Right now, in this moment, I'm wondering if I should be ashamed that fat used to cover my pubic triangle. Sidebar: Why didn't this body part get a cutesie name? Your mammary glands are your breasts, tits, hooters, etc. Your gluteus maximus is your booty, butt, ass, etc. And so on and so forth. Arm doesn't describe what it is, it's just your arm. But not the pubic triangle, it really is just the triangle of pubic hair. I googled this, and what I googled was "triangle pubic hair." And most sites call it a pubic triangle. I mean, it's the mons pubis, but who knows that? Is there any other body part that doesn't have a name, only a description? Yeah, I guess your back. From now on, I'ma call my pubic triangle my peety. You gotta love blogs, cuz only in a blog can I go off on a tangent like this. But I actually do this in real life, too. End of sidebar. I'm getting hungry. What was I saying? Oh! My peety is no longer covered in fat. How wonderful is that? My stomach is still fat, but it's shrinking!!! I think all of it really is gonna go away!!! Can you believe that?? I mean, I can touch my peety without lifting my stomach is what I'm tryna say. This might be a minor miracle. I wonder how long I've been able to do this and just haven't noticed?

And as far as getting hungry, I gotta go eat something. This eating every few hours thing ain't no joke. My body knows when 3 hours has passed. Weird.

I forgot

2007-05-03T09:20:00.000-05:00

to blog about my happy moment yesterday. Ok, so you know I have to plan for the FS thing, right? Well, right as I was getting ready to wash my pots & pans and start cooking dinner, my friend calls me in distress: her car was acting up on the freeway. So I started hurrying around the house to go help her and what did I do? I grabbed fruit to snack on and my last serving of Fajita Rice in case it took longer than expected, a bottle of water and out the door. I actually took time to pack a WAR bag!!!! I was so excited as I was leaving that I called my friend PJ to tell her what I did. That was a turning point. I've NEVER thought quick like that when it came to food. And that kept me from being hungry with nothing to eat. And I'm SO glad I did because I needed that food!!!! I really am creating new habits. I don't even know who I am anymore.

Oh wait, yeah I do. The same lazy chick as before. Cuz I ain't get up this morning to exercise. But I WILL do my 30 minutes on the treadmill today (run/walking). By next week, I should be back up to my one hour walk/run. I'm gonna push myself. Not too hard, but I'm gonna push myself.

I felt so GOOD this morning!!! I wanted to weigh myself SOOOOOOO bad!!!! But I didn't. I really want to wait until the morning of Day 10 because I want it to be a surprise. I can't wait. :)

So-So

2007-05-03T06:28:00.000-05:00

with yesterday's results. I had 1695 calories!!! And it's because of the popcorn and the rice cakes. I meant to only pop FIVE cups, but I used 5tbsp instead of 2tbsp. I got confused. But the average for both days is 1325 calories, and that's OK. Not all bad. I just have to control that snacking urge.

Nutrient info:

Fat-Soluble Vitamins
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Vitamin A	mcg_RE	421.61	800	52.7
Vitamin D	mcg	0	5	0
Vitamin E	mg_ATE	6.38	8	79.71
Vitamin K	mcg	11.86	65	18.25

Water-Soluble Vitamins
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Vitamin C	mg	268.77	60	447.95
Thiamin	mg	1.51	1.1	137.67
Riboflavin	mg	1.52	1.1	137.88
Vitamin B-6	mg	3.54	1.3	272.01
Vitamin B-12	mcg	2.81	2.4	116.93
Niacin	mg	16.29	14	116.36
Folate	mcg	162.46	400	40.61

Trace Minerals
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Iron	mg	12.11	15	80.72
Zinc	mg	11.39	12	94.91
Selenium	mcg	40.86	55	74.29
Copper	mg	1.31	---	---

Major Minerals
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Calcium	mg	492.58	1000	49.26
Phosphorus	mg	816.64	700	116.66
Magnesium	mg	426.03	320	133.13
Sodium	mg	1598.1	---	---
Potassium	mg	3275.9	---	---

OMG! It actually C&P'd!!! This is my nutrient report from yesterday. I'm going to post it every day now that I know it'll do it. Ooh, lemme edit yesterday's, lol, so we can have some consistency. And I'll post later how I plan to get the rest of these nutrients.

Day 3

2007-05-03T06:05:00.000-05:00

I'm ready for the 3rd day. Not prepared, but at least ready. I didn't cook last night, so today will be fruit and salad day until I get home. I need to eat all 4 bananas I have left before they go bad. Oh, I guess I could freeze a couple to use in my smoothies. I didn't get up and exercise this morning, but I'm walking to work and back, so that will serve as my exercise for today. And I really am gonna try to go to Pilates today. It's so hard to get back in the swing of things.

Food-wise, I think I did worse yesterday than I did on Day 1. Here's what I ate yesterday and at what time:

8:30-9:17am ~ 9oz Peach Banana Smoothie (5pts)
10:41am ~ med apple (1pt)
12:04pm ~ Fajita Rice (1/2 serving) (2.5pts)
1:38 ~ Fajita Rice (other half)(2.5pts)
4:50 ~ Banana (1pt)
6:30 ~ Banana (1pt)
6:43 ~ Fajita Rice (1/2 serving) (2.5pts)
8:51 ~ Fajita Rice (other half) (2.5pts)
9:04 ~ Quaker Rice Cake (PBCC) (1pt)
9:22 ~ 10 cups air popped popcorn (3pts)
10:20 ~ 1 cup watermelon, 2 QRC (3pts)

25 Points total; not bad. I need to enter this into Fitday.com to see if I had enough calories and nutrients. Too many snacks last night, especially between 9pm and 10:30. I think that's my problem time. And I was tired last night so I shoulda just went to sleep. But no, the snack monster was at it.

Gotta get my smoothie ready. More later...

Satisfied

2007-05-02T11:24:00.000-05:00

I ate half of my serving of fajita rice and I feel satisfied. I didn't have to eat ALL of it. I'll eat the other half when I get hungry this afternoon. I guess as long as I'm "grazing" it doesn't matter if it's exactly every 2-3 hours, as long as it's not longer than that when I eat.

I still can't believe this is going so well! When I went to the store yesterday, I saw so much stuff I'd never seen before and would love to try. I know I only noticed it because I knew I couldn't have it.

I am not doing so well at my water consumption today, though. This is going to take some getting used to again.

So glad for Fitday.com

2007-05-02T10:43:00.000-05:00

I'm glad I went over there to log what I ate yesterday. Let me show y'all:

9am - .60lb cantaloupe (about 1 cup)
12:12pm - medium apple
1:31 - ~1/2 a cup of island fruit medley (pineapples, mango, papaya)
6:30 - fajita rice (1 svg)
8:40 - large banana
10pm - 1 svg fajita rice
10:21 - 1 Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Quaker Rice Cake (made from brown rice!)
10:30 - 1 cup watermelon, 2 strawberries

and I had 42.5 ounces of water yesterday (not so good). No exercise.

That is a total of only 947 calories!!!! No WONDER this works. We'll see if I can get closer to 1500 calories today since I'm trying to eat all 24 of my points.

Now, nutrition-wise. All that produce, STILL, not so good:

Fat-Soluble Vitamins
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Vitamin A	mcg_RE	855.69	800	106.96
Vitamin D	mcg	0	5	0
Vitamin E	mg_ATE	5.46	8	68.29
Vitamin K	mcg	9.27	65	14.25

Water-Soluble Vitamins
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Vitamin C	mg	221.04	60	368.41
Thiamin	mg	1.19	1.1	108.1
Riboflavin	mg	0.643	1.1	58.49
Vitamin B-6	mg	1.83	1.3	140.93
Vitamin B-12	mcg	1.8	2.4	75
Niacin	mg	13.08	14	93.44
Folate	mcg	102.61	400	25.65

Trace Minerals
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Iron	mg	8.27	15	55.14
Zinc	mg	6.67	12	55.56
Selenium	mcg	24.3	55	44.19
Copper	mg	0.677	---	---

Major Minerals
Nutrient	Units	Intake	RDA	% RDA
Calcium	mg	130.76	1000	13.08
Phosphorus	mg	280.3	700	40.04
Magnesium	mg	220.74	320	68.98
Sodium	mg	1340.5	---	---
Potassium	mg	1904.3	---	---

So I'll read my Wellness Foods book today to see what I need to up these other vitamins and minerals. I think just because of the smoothie, I'm already doing better nutrient-wise today.

And I'm hungry. My next meal should be at 1:30; an hour and a half from now. If I can't wait that long, I'll eat another apple. I sooooooo wanna eat my lunch right now. But then I'll only have an apple and a banana to last me until 4:30, and that won't do. But I'm hungry. Oh yeah, my stomach just growled. I'm going to heat up my fajita rice.

Day 2

2007-05-02T06:38:00.000-05:00

I made it! :) Although yesterday I only had 16 points. I think I'll do better as far as eating all my points today because I'm taking a 5pt lunch (leftover fajita rice). AND I'm making a smoothie for breakfast. I should be able to eat 24 points today. Later, I'll document in here what I ate yesterday along with the times I ate. I'll do that daily, in case anyone (meat eaters) wonders what you could possibly eat for 9 days on so strict (to me, at least) a diet. And in case I lose the notebook I'm writing it all down in. Why I'm not keeping it in my weight-loss journal, I don't know.

I walked this morning, but only for 30 minutes. Ran about 500ft. Tomorrow, I'll time the running part. Then I did some ab exercises. I could only do 23 full sit-ups!!! So I'll shoot for 25 before I go to bed, and some leg lifts. I feel like I'm starting off slow, but I also know I'll keep building up, so I need to start somewhere. I don't want to overwork myself, but I don't want to underwork myself either. I'm going to do some weight training today after work.

I know it's only Day 2, but I kinda feel good. I mean, I feel good for sticking to the plan. I feel good for getting up this morning and exercising. I feel good for having my meals planned out for today. I feel good that I have a kitchen stocked with healthy, whole foods. I feel good physically; I haven't coughed once since waking up!!! I was having my usual sinus issues and it creates a phlegmy cough for me (almost constant, all day long, very annoying). Not today. I have not coughed ONE TIME!!! I wonder if that's a coincidence?

I'm going to put my food into fitday (or calorie counter, we'll see) to see what nutrients I'm getting and where I'm lacking. I want to make sure I'm not deficient in anything. If I'm going to re-train my body (and my mind, especially) how to eat, I might as well do it right.

I feel so . . . together! And I don't know why. Is it the change in seasons? It was this same time last year that I started WW (and this blog, I think!), and took it so seriously. Whatever it is, I'm glad it's in me. I'm ready to watch my body transform!!! And I'm ready and willing to put in the work that it's gonna take to achieve the results I want.

I can already tell, I'm going to have a GREAT day!!! HalleluYAH!!!

I never thought

2007-05-01T17:57:00.000-05:00

I'd blog so much, lol. I gave the rest of that "island" fruit to the kids. No me gusta. Anyway...

I came home and made dinner: Faijitas over Rice. I used the MSF Chik'n and Steak Strips with green and red bell peppers and onions. Served it on top of brown rice. It was DELICIOUS!!! I have enough for lunch AND dinner for tomorrow.

Off to the library to get some smoothie books. Then it's back to the grocery store. I need some grapes, spices, popcorn, vegetable broth, and olive oil.

Tomorrow I'm going to try my hand and currying something.

Who knew I would actually enjoy FS??? I'm having fun! :)

Here's what I've learned

2007-05-01T12:46:00.000-05:00

so far on Day 1.

I don't like papaya or mango. Maybe I'll blend it into a smoothie or make some fresh juice. But just eating it? Nah, I don't like it. I knew I didn't like mango, but I thought I'd try it again. I don't like the consistency of it in my mouth. And it doesn't have as much taste as the juice.

See how bottled stuff tarnishes your tastebuds?

It's 1:45pm and I still have both bananas left, the strawberries, one apple, and this island fruit medley that I don't like (except the pineapples).

I was proctoring an exam today, so during my down time (when I should have been grading papers) I was searching the internet for recipes. I think I'm going to try and make my own curry powder, so I have to go BACK to the grocery store for a few more items. I'll most likely need more olive oil and I need some vegetable stock (I'm not making any, I'm eating the produce I bought) and LOTS of seasonings!!! I also need some bay leaves. And popcorn. And if an airpopper is cheap, I'll get one of those, too.

So many ideas. I want to curry the tofu. I also want to curry some lentils. I wonder if they make brown basmati rice and if so if it's as good as whole grain brown rice. I'm just glad you can even have brown rice period.

By this time on Day 1 the last time I did this, I was ready to give up!!! I didn't even make it to dinner! But not today!!! I'm not really that hungry, although I'll be glad to get some real food when I get home. I'ma make some fajitas real quick with some rice. Then I'll go to the store.

I forgot about water!!! I've been doing pretty well on my water intake. I'm still trying to do half my weight in ounces, so that's 91.25 ounces each day. I'll include my herbal tea in that, too, since it has no caffeine and no sugar.

All that to say, so far so good.

:)

Unbelievable

2007-05-01T08:00:00.000-05:00

8:57am

First thing in the morning. I've eaten nothing. I walk in the building and one of the teachers is handing out cookies!!! I hear her say, "I've gained a few pounds so I have to give away the stuff that I make." I feel her; I've done the same thing before (you've read about it!). But I couldn't believe it! Why she ain't have cookies YESTERDAY????? Oh, no, not yesterday. Today. Day 1. First thing in the morning. I just told her no thanks, showed her the FS book, came into my classroom, and started eating some cantaloupe (which is sweeter than I expected) and blogging about the cookie monster. I'm kinda glad it happened now and not later after I'm tired of eating fruit.

Fat Smash, Day 1

2007-05-01T07:04:00.000-05:00

Well, it's the morning of the 1st day. My weight (not surprising) is 182.5. My first meal will be at 9am, then another meal every 3hrs thereafter. I didn't cook last night (obviously), so I packed fruit to take with me to school. There have been days when I barely ate, so even if it's just fruit, I'll be eating it throughout the day. I should be cool as far as hunger is concerned. I have two apples, a banana, 10 strawberries, a cup of cantaloupe, and a cup of mixed fruit (fresh pineapples, mango, and papaya). That should last me the whole day. When I come home, I'll cook something. Maybe something already on my list or something I find in the vegetarian cookbook I bought. I'll probably cook two things and just put them in ziploc containers so that I'm cool for a couple days. Or I may freeze some for next week. We'll see.

I weighed myself this morning, just like the book said, and I put the scale away. I will not take it out, no matter how curious I am, until the morning of Day 10. And I've been weighing myself daily for the past who knows how long, so that's going to be a hard habit to break.

Whew, so focused and serious. I forgot this Monique existed.

Smash it!!!

2007-05-01T00:52:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'm giving it another go. Fat Smash, that is. I need a jump start, and I need to cleanse my system after eating so much junk over the past month or two. Even though I've done OK on the NMD, I still need to cleanse and re-begin my weight-loss efforts. And FS is the perfect jump-start. I went to the bookstore today and bought the Fat Smash book and a Low-Fat Vegetarian Cookbook; I figured the cookbook would be good to have on hand even in the future. I mean, I'm sure there are some things that I'll eat while I'm on FS that I'll end up liking and eating more of in the future. Last time I started this, I was hardly prepared. Not this time. I just went to the grocery store and spent over $100 on mainly produce. This is a FIRST!!! I got some stuff I've never gotten before (yellow & orange bell peppers, bean sprouts, tofu, etc), but I'm so excited to try different recipes. I still need to find some curry paste. Anyway, I am going to figure out the best schedule for me to eat since I MUST eat every 3 hours. I also have to make sure I get all my points for the day since I'll be eating so many no & low-point foods. And the exercise won't even be a problem because me and my friend (and neighbor) are going to start walk/jogging 5/2 at 5:50am. Walking out of my apartment at 5:50am is gonna suck, but at least it's out of the way and I won't have to worry about it for the rest of the day.

I'm going to try and blog every day (prolly more than once a day) while I'm on FS. I know I'm going to get frustrated, but I also know I can do this. From now on, I'm attacking everything in the same manner I'll have to do with the marathon: MIND OVER MATTER. I feel like I got enough stuff at the store to give me plenty of variety. I can make fajita stir fry with faux steak/chicken strips, taco salad with Boca crumbles, chili with (or without) Boca crumbles, fruit salad, regular salad, Boco burgers (or grilled tofu) with whipped sweet potatoes, and corn. Oh! And I can make smoothies! Plus I can have grits and scrambled egg beaters for breakfast! And I even bought some veggie sausage! Omelets! With fresh fruit! Fruit as snacks! Celery sometimes! I CAN DO THIS!!!!!

*** :( :( :( :( :( I just read in the FS yahoo group that you can't have veggie meat that also has gluten in it (well it said, bread, I assume vital wheat gluten is considered bread since you can use it to make bread). That saddens me because it's a huge part of my menu. I know I said I'd follow FS to the letter, but I may have to bend here. I even checked the sodium content to make sure I could have them and keep it under 2000mg.

That did let a little air out of my balloon. I'm gonna get some rest. Stay tuned for how things are going tomorrow, Day 1 of Phase 1. I will check in with my weight (and I'm not supposed to weigh myself again until Day 10), measurements, and what I ate for breakfast.

Something that made me smile

2007-04-27T10:19:00.000-05:00

I have on a size MEDIUM top today. It's a little Hanes v-neck t-shirt and it's pink and green striped. I didn't think it would look right on me yet, but I was gonna wear it over the summer. It fits just fine. Now, my friend got me a Bob Marley t-shirt, it's a size LARGE and it's too tight. Go figure. But I was so happy with how it fit. I can rock a MEDIUM t-shirt. Whose upper body is this??? I'm talkin' bout other folk ain't ready, lol, I'm the one who ain't ready! I'm starting to focus on all the good things I do. I will take note of the bad things simply to change the habit. Otherwise, it's all good!!!

Good day

2007-04-27T09:00:00.000-05:00

so far, lol. As of this morning, I am at 181.5.

I walked to work; it took me about 30 minutes, just like I thought. So before my first class, I already have over 4600 steps. All my classes are in the computer lab today, so I don't have to do a lesson. I'm going to read during that time. Nothing on running right now, just healthy and weight-loss and walking. I figure I have to get ready to run, but I have to at least get back where I was before 5/4. *sigh* I'm trying not to be intimidated by this whole marathon training ordeal. I need to blog about all that.

I'm out of the maintainance state of mind and back into the LET'S GET THIS WEIGHT OFF state of mind.

:-D I feel good.

The No-Money Diet

2007-04-26T19:39:00.000-05:00

I wonder if I can get paid for this. I'm SURE I could write a book on it!!! When I have NO money, I eat the best. Not necessarily the least, but there is NO junk. I can only eat what I already have at home. And as usual, the worst thing I have is cereal. I haven't even been drinking coffee. AND I gave away my espresso machine. Today's weight? This morning it was 182 and when I got home from work it was 181. I'm almost positive it'll be at 182.5 tomorrow. I have been clockin' madd steps on my pedometer. And haven't even exercised. But starting tomorrow, it's ON. I WILL be walking to work from now on. Why, because gas is $2.99/gal and Monique doesn't pay that much for gas. She'd MUCH rather walk. COOL on that. I mean, seriously, it was $2.70 this morning and I thought THAT was expensive. I was coming to accept $2.59, but $2.70 was pushin' it and $2.99 is out of the question. My tank is on E and that's how it will stay. So I'll be walking to work and back every day; that's 3.8 miles. That's not including what I have to do to train for the marathon. The weight should start to melt off.

Here's the thing. Can we discuss something? Ok. Look at this picture:

I stopped exercising in around November. I started going to Pilates when? In January, I think. I went to Pilates just a few times, though. The point is, I have no idea how from 8/7/06 to 3/12/07 my face thinned out like that. WAIT! I was consistent about writing down what I ate until February, around the same time I stopped going to Pilates class. And I think for the most part, I stayed around 1500 calories. There were, of course, off days. And I always parked really far at work. I guess I did do some stuff to stay on track. I'm always so hard on myself. It's not until I come to this blog that I realize I'm not all bad. Why are we so unforgiving of ourselves? Why do we beat ourselves up over little mistakes? When you think about it, it's just silly.

So what was I saying? Oh, the weight should melt off. And it should. I mean, if I was half-assin' it for three months solid, and now I'm picking back up for real? Meaning, nutrition AND exercise, not just one or the other? Yeah, the weight should melt off. I have more motivation besides the Marathon. I'm kinda-sorta in a wedding in July. I'm even planning on buying a dress in the wedding colors. And the reason is two-fold. One, people really are noticing the difference. And I know I should, too, but I really haven't. Not until that picture up there. And so if people are noticing, I want to look nice. This is the first time vanity has played a part in my journey. I mean, it's first and foremost right now. I know the weight will come off, so my focus needs to be tone and look good. And come July, I should be able to see a difference. There will be people at this wedding who haven't seen me since 247lbs. And it makes me feel good when people compliment me on the weight-loss. I feel like I've accomplished something I should be proud of. Most people know how hard it is to lose weight, and having others acknowledge that accomplishment fills me with such a good feeling. . . a job well done. My friend came to visit last weekend and I hadn't seen him in a year. The first thing he said to me was, "Damn, you're skinny as hell!" (this is not true; I'm a size 12. I'm hardly skinny; let's be clear.) The last thing he said before he left was, "You look good; what an inspiration." I had to break out in a big smile both times. And I had on too-big clothing, too. But I guess compared to what I was, I do look skinny now. I showed my students pictures from my study abroad (10 years and almost 70lbs ago) and they said I used to be huge. So now I'm starting to expect the reactions from people when I haven't seen them in a while. Otherwise, it will make me feel self-conscious. So since I know people are going to notice, I want to look cute. The second reason is I STILL haven't had the opportunity to shop for something really nice in this new, non-plus size. I'm kinda excited to even go looking. I'm wondering if I should buy two different dresses, one size 10 and one 12? Because what if I thin down more than I expect and a 12 is too big? I don't think that'll happen. I think if a 12 is too big, it won't be sloppy too big. We'll see. And by then I will be able to tell my friends I ran a 5K and that I'm training for a marathon (and in this precise moment, I use the word "training" very loosely). How wild is that? The last time they saw me, I was over 200lbs and for some, I was close to 250lbs, and by then I'll be around 171 (hopefully) and a runner?! It trips me out! LOL!

So back to the No Money Diet. Tonight's dinner was rice and beans. I added some diced tomatoes and chili seasoning to the kidney beans. It was delicious; the leftovers will be lunch tomorrow. I'm happy with the scale again. I know that I'm not going to buy any foolishness when I get paid. I want to continue to see results. I'm back on plan, baby! And it's going to be so easy to phase into FS because of how I've been eating on the No Money Diet. I just have to buy plenty of produce because I'ma be all fruited out, lol. I need it to cleanse my system. And I'm not dreading FS, either. I kinda welcome the challenge, because, really, that's all it is.

Seriously looking forward to leaving the 180's, and for good this time. I'm seriously NOT trying to climb back above 182.5. I'm not. I remember this feeling. This is how I felt when I started WW last year. Positive. Strong. Sure. Ready.

I'm ready

2007-04-24T07:52:00.000-05:00

I'm sincere and focused and back on the bandwagon. I gave away some food and I threw some food away (candy, cookies, and ice cream). I had company this past weekend that was here to help me move, and they don't eat healthy so I had all KINDS of stuff left in my apartment. I had to get rid of all that mess.

I have taken out my food journal. The last time I wrote down what I ate was 2/27/07. It's only been 8 weeks, but it feels like forever. I was at 181lbs then and I'm at 184.5 today. My weight fluctuates (especially after a weekend like this past one) but always settles at around 182. My body really likes that weight. That's too bad, because we are about to get right down in the 170's and just keep it movin'. So just now I wrote down what I've eaten, starting on Sunday, 4/22/07, even though my food choices were horrible. But I'm being accountable to myself. Since I'm writing down what I eat, I know I will think more about what I eat before I eat it. I'm ready.

Today I will start to transition into Fat Smash. I know I need to do something because my stomach doesn't feel like it should and I just feel BLECH. I don't like feeling like this, so I need to do something. How I've maintained my weight is a mystery to me, seriously. Anyway, I'm making some chili tonight for dinner and I'm not going to include any meat, BUT I need to eat it with some crackers. I haven't bought bread since before the Passover, so that won't even be an issue. And I'm not spending money on eating away from home, I should be cool. I'm going to use my transition time to come up with more meals to last me the whole 9 days. And I'm going to try to stick to it to the VERY best of my ability. If I don't, I'll only let myself down. And the way I see it, if I can commit to running (or run/walking, whatever) a marathon, then I can commit to eating differently for a little over a week. It seriously is not that bad. Plus it will help me get back on track with my eating habits. And it may help me to do the WW Core plan instead of flex points. We'll see. But I'm serious and I'm dedicated. I really want to succeed at this marathon thing and it's more than just exercise. I need to pay CLOSE attention to what I eat if I'm gonna be a runner. So I have to look at it as a necessary part of my training. If a kid can go thru chemo, I can give up meat and pasta and junk food for a week. Oh, and caffeine. *sigh* Right after I publish this entry, I'm going to get coffee. The no caffeine thing is going to be VERY hard. VERY. I hope I don't kill no kids.

Activity? Haven't been doing so well at that. I'm going to Pilates today for the first time in around as long, 8 weeks. But my body needs it. I think I have 4 classes left, so I need to get 10 more. I've been wearing my pedometer consistently for about a week. I've been doing OK with my step-count. Yesterday I only got up to around 6K. So today I'm shooting for 12K. There's no excuse, really, because I have a fitness center with a treadmill. I went to the library yesterday and got more books. I had gotten a grip of books about running (I'll discuss those when I update my MV blog), but I wanted to get back into some regular health and fitness books. So I picked up the Mayo Clinic books again (Healthy Weight for Everybody and Fitness for Everybody). They have a new one, well new to me, The Mayo Clinic plan : 10 essential steps to a better body & healthier life, so I got that, too. Then I got these two books that look like textbooks. One is called Physical Activity Epidemiology and the other one is about developing strength training programs. I also got more books on Pilates and working out on the ball (I even got an Idiot's Guide for the ball). I need to come up with a strength training routine that will work for me to tone my arms, abs, upper thighs, and back. Those are my target areas. So I'm gonna read that and come up with what I'm going to do. I'll have a variety of exercises I can do so I don't get bored, using either weights, resistance bands, or my own body weight. Then I also got a book on cross training (I think it's for Dummies).

So that's that. Look for an update in my MV blog later today as well.

What is goin' on???

2007-04-16T06:27:00.000-05:00

More details later, but I've gained a lot of weight in the last week or two. I'm at 193.5. I don't know what happened. I've just been eating and eating. I don't know if it was being on spring break or what. All I know is I need to get it in gear. More on this later.

I'll run a marathon when PIGS fly!!!

2007-04-08T15:31:00.000-05:00

I totally forgot!!! I've decided to train for a marathon! Now, I don't know if I'll *run* in the marathon, but I'll definitely walk. So I'm going to start training now for next year. That way, if I *do* decide to run, I'll be already training for it. We'll see. I'm kinda excited to have something to work toward.

http://www.flyingpigmarathon.com/

I have a friend who is also going to do it, but I think she's planning on running. I'll definitely keep y'all posted on this. I'll probably start a blog about training for this once I start, cuz it'll need to be separate from this. Just to track how many miles I walk each day and at what pace, etc. Maybe I'll add jogging or sprinting (for only 90secs) to my walks. We'll see.

I just know that when I accomplish THIS, I will feel SO good about myself and it will solidify in my mind just how healthy I really am. Losing the weight is not enough for me, I really want to be FIT!!!

Why am I super excited about this, though?

Measurements (YEAH BOYEEEEEE!!!!!)

2007-04-08T13:11:00.000-05:00

Ok, here they are:

Bust - 37.5 (was 44.5 in 2002)
Upper Arm - 11.5 (was 14.25 in 2002)
Waist - 32.25 (was 39 in 2002)
Hips - 40.5 (was 48.5 in 2002)
Upper Thigh - 26 (was 30.5 in 2002)
Calf - 14.5 (was 16.5 in 2002)
Wrist - 6.5 (didn't measure this in 2002, but a bracelet bought in 2003 is now too big)
Ankle - 8.75 (didn't measure in 2002)
Back - 33 (was 34.5 on 11-11-06; didn't measure in '02, but wore 42D bra, not sure of new size, but my bras were all too big)

So it looks like I've lost almost 7 inches off my waist! And my thighs ARE shrinking even though they don't look like it! And my BACK!!! I complain all the time about the back-fat, but it's shrinking, too!!! Monique, you are doin' something right, you just have to IMPROVE on what you're already doing and KEEP doing it!!! I have lost a grand TOTAL of 32.75 inches!!!

Motivation like a mug!!! I just stopped typing and started back; I've been dancing around my living room for like 30mins. I've gotten over 4,000 steps from it, too!!!! I can't wait until I have the body of MY dreams!!!! Not what media tells me I should want, but how I picture my body. I'm motivated and I'm ready to drop these last 25lbs.

OK, back to my dance work-out. :)

OH! I need to shout out my sorors Tra and Cheleski for the encouraging comments!! We help each other...

Stay encouraged!!!!

Slowly, surely...

2007-04-08T12:24:00.000-05:00

I'm gettin' back into gear!!! I'm down to 176.5 as of this today (I haven't eaten today, yet, though). I did some stability ball exercises this morning (that I got out of Fitness magazine). I'm mad it's gotten so cold cuz that totally nixes walking outside. But that's cool cuz I move a week from tomorrow and I'll have a fitness center!!! Even though I said I'd never lift another weight, I think I may do a little weight lifting. I have a new friend who used to be a football player and now is a health/PE teacher. Little does he know he's about to be my personal trainer (as far as weights go). Even though I'ma continue with Pilates, I am paranoid about burning the back fat, arm fat, and ab fat. So I'ma do Pilates AND a *little* weight training. It's the Feast of Unleavened Bread, so I can't eat anything that has leavening in it (yeast, baking soda, sodium bicarbonate, etc) and I'm sure that has contributed to the weight-loss. Y'all know how much I eat bread! This is the ONLY week out of the year that I don't. And I'm only halfway through the week. The truth? I don't miss it all that much, but it can be inconvenient. I mean, I wanted a PBJ sammich the other day. Instead, I had to cook. Which is good, right? I made mac-n-beef, a BIG pot. I'm so sick of it; I'ma freeze most of the rest and make some chili. I REALLY need to find some Matza if I'ma make chili. I can't eat chili without some type of carb. That's not totally true, I've done it before, but it will make me miss bread/crackers. Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm about to take my measurements and post and compare to the last time I took them and to my original measurements from 2002. I've also taken pictures that I plan to post as soon as I can get them on a disc. Ok, so lemme take the measurements. BRB...

It's on...

2007-03-28T17:22:00.000-05:00

Sunday was an absolutely gorgeous day. GORGEOUS. So y'all know what I did? That's RIGHT!!! I went walking! I walked over 4 miles and I had a great time doing it! But I was sore as all get out the next day AND I had a blister on my heel. But I still enjoyed it. And I've been consistently OUT of the 180's for the past three days or so. I was 177 the other day and 179 (BOOOOOOOOO) this morning. But the point is, the second digit is a 7. :) So I'm getting back on the bandwagon, slowly but surely. I went roller skating last week, too, for about 1.5hrs. That had my body sore, too. But it's all good.

I do have to get something off my chest though. I was looking at some online weight-loss testimonies and this one chick's before picture was around the same weight I'm at now. BUT, this chick's body looked WAY better than mine. Ok, she was 1.25 inches taller than me, but STILL. Her body looked nothing like mine. :( Now I feel conflicted because the other day, this man was giving me compliments and one of them was that I had a nice body. I'm like, who? ME?! Please, you haven't seen me naked! LOL! But it still made me feel good, because sometimes I forget I have a different body and I'm not really all that used to it. So right after I get lifted up a little bit, I come right back down after seein' ol' girl's pics. *sigh* I know I shouldn't even be comparing myself to someone else, but it's hard. It really is. And no matter what anyone says, I'm continuing on with my weight-loss journey. I don't care if other people think I look OK, I clearly am not happy with how I look. Ok, that's not totally true, either. I do kinda like how I look . . . . . . IN MY CLOTHES. I'm kinda thick and I like it. But I don't like how I look naked. I don't. I actually think it's disgusting. I'm glad we wear clothes, lol. Cuz I'd hate to hafta even do y'all like that!

So I guess I said all that to say, I need to work on staying within and focusing not on without. My body is my body and so what what someone else's body looks like. Haz bien y no mires a quien in spanish means "do well and don't look to others" or "mind your business." And that's what I need to do: focus on me, do well, and not look to others.

In weight loss...

2007-03-18T11:16:00.000-05:00

the phrase no news is good news just doesn't ring true. So that let's you know that I have no good news, lol. I don't have any bad news, either. I haven't gained nor lost any weight. I'm still 182.5. I fluctuate down to 179 and up to 185, but I always come back to 182.5. I haven't been exercising, not even going to Pilates. The snowstorm a few weeks ago totally threw me off schedule and then making up those hours the next week at work... I just haven't seemed to be able to get back on track. But I have a new job now and I'm moving next month. My new complex has a fitness center in the basement, so I will have NO excuses! My eating habits have been even worse. I have pretty much been eating whatever the hell I want. So sad. I'm trying to get it in gear, but it's kinda hard. I know as soon as it's nicer (read: warmer) outside, my habits will change. I'll be able to walk and I don't waste calories burned on food. Well, sometimes, I do, lol, but not like I've been doing. I'm surprised I haven't gained any weight, for real. I'm ready to lose these last 30 pounds or so. I feel good about myself, though, but I want to feel totally confident all the time. And that won't happen until there is no gut and no back fat. So I need to get it in gear. As much as I feel like I could never succeed on that Fat Smash diet, I'm starting to think I need to do it to cleanse my system. I already know how to eat, I'm just not doing it. And I've eaten SO much junk, I need to cleanse. And I haven't been juicing because I really want a new juicer. I HATE cleaning mine. I know if I get a new one I'll juice more often. Every day, shoot. I need to go 'head and work that in my budget, lol.

Well, that's all. Not off the bandwagon completely, it's always in the back of my mind. And I have to be honest, I'm loving wearing smaller clothes! I really am enjoying my physical transformation. And I'm proud that even though I haven't been eating right or exercising, I've maintained my weight. That lets me know that once I reach my goal weight I won't gain the weight back. And that's so reassuring and motivating, too.

Stuck

2007-02-11T09:36:00.000-05:00

is how I feel. Not like most people, though, cuz I'm not at a plateau. Nope, I'm just not exercising and not being disciplined with my eating. I have one good day, then I fall off. Then I get back on the wagon and then I fall off. One of the problems is that my kitchen is a mess and I haven't cooked anything in like two weeks. Lazy and triflin'. That gets taken care of today after my morning shot of internet. So I gained back the 3.8lbs that I lost at the last meeting. Haven't been to weigh-in cuz of the weather and doing my hair (different story, different blog). and now I'm back to where I started in the first place. ARGH! It's SO frustrating; I just wanna be out of the 180's!!! Some days I'm like, Monique, just ride it out and quit stressin'. But other days I'm like, if you do that, you'll end up 250lbs again, so keep stressin'. Not stressin' stressin', but y'all know what I'm sayin'. So it's always on my mind. Today, I'm back on the wagon. Cleaning my kitchen and cooking a nice dinner. Doing some walking today cuz I'm going thrifting. I'm buying a digital camera in a few days so I'll take pics again and compare to my original "before" pics, but really to serve as my new before pics. I need to visualize this journey again and focus. Cuz I haven't been focusing at all. I have to remember I'm not like most people; I actually have to watch what I eat. And clearly not walking is making a huge difference! I need to exercise. I don't know why I haven't been to the rec center; I've had a car for a month and a half, so really there's no excuse for it. I can't wait until the weather warms up and I can walk outside again. And I'll be hired on at my job where they have a fitness center that has aerobic classes and I can't wait for that either.

The bottom line is IF I WANNA SEE CHANGE, I HAVE TO EARN CHANGE.

How could I forget?!

2007-02-01T18:35:00.000-05:00

We had a wellness screening at work the other day. I went and had my blood pressure checked and my cholesterol. Guess who raised her HDL??? ME!!! I went from 47 to 58! I'm actually HEALTHIER!!! YAY!!! YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!! It has truly been a good week.

Today at lunchtime I decided I'd go to the cafe and get me something good and fattening. I get down there and decide to just get what I always get if I buy lunch (which is not often): a grilled chicken breast, baked potato, and broccoli. That's it. Oh, I used margarine and sour cream. I'm going to buy some butter spray to take to work, though. So when I get off, I go visit a friend of mine and he suggests grabbing a bite to eat. I didn't even get anything; I figured I'd just have cereal for dinner. I am SO proud of me!

GO MONIQUE!!!

I'm goin' down!

2007-01-31T19:59:00.000-05:00

As I typed that I realized it had sooo many meanings. But for the purposes of this blog, it's all about the poundage. I lost 3.8lbs this week for a total of 2.8 since re-joining WW. I've lost all the weight I gained on the binge and then some. Good job, Monique! Way to get back on track!

Have I said I love my Pilates class? I LOVE IT!!! My legs are definitely getting stronger. And I think I can feel muscle starting to form underneath all of my abdominal fat. I think there may actually be some muscles under there!!! I pay a lot more attention to my posture now. And I've lost an inch from my upper thigh! Now I haven't measured since about a month before I started Pilates, so there's a chance I may have lost a little before, but I don't think so. I can tell I'm losing inches because the clothes I got when I went thrifting are even fitting differently, a little looser. Not too big, just more comfortable, I guess.

I'm getting used to the new me, I really am! I saw some old friends this weekend and everyone commented on how young (and thin) I looked. Who KNEW that losing weight would give me a youthful appearance? I sure didn't!

All in all, I feel good about myself!!!

2007-01-21T19:34:00.000-05:00

Wow, what a week-and-a-half it's been. I joined WW again; I got a monthly pass this time. It's the best value. So I weighed in on 1/10 and was 186.2 (according to their scale; my home scale said 182.5 and I will always go with my home scale). Anyway, then I ate and ate and ate and ate some more. Pretty bad binge; I gained 9.5lbs. I just could not face my weigh in on the 17th cuz I was still 6-7lbs up. By the 18th, I knew I had to face the music, so I went to a different meeting and weighed in. I was only up 5lbs, so some of it had begun to come off. This morning I weighed myself and I'm about 183-184, so I'm getting back to where I was, but my goodness, what a waste of time. I'm starting to phase into the Fat Smash diet, so I should lose a little more. Well, actually, I don't know. I just finished dinner, and I don't know if I can go more than 9 days with no meat. So I think that I'll be doing FS modified for 9 days (lots of fruits & veggies, no caffeine, no meat, no white potatoes, no sugar, no snacks except popcorn, and no bread). I should still lose a decent amount of weight. I just made a pot of pasta. The pasta is 1pt per serving, 6 servings in the whole box, so that's only 6pts. I made my own sauce with onions, green peppers, garlic, and tomatoes; then I added 3 cans of tomato sauce, all 0pts each. So the whole pot of pasta is 6pts, STILL 1pt per serving! Then before I go to bed tonight I'm going to make a pot of chili with kidney beans, garbanzo beans, and lentils. I haven't decided if I'm going to put corn in there or not. Now I just need to go to the grocery store for produce, yogurt, and grits. Oh, and some more lentils. I have found some recipes online for different types of chili and also curry dishes; there are lentil dishes in both categories. I also need to get some sweet potatoes. So I have some ideas to get me thru the week, but I still can't see being a vegetarian. I guess I'll see how the week progresses. I might have to take my chances at cloned poultry. I just can't see giving up turkey or chicken. Beef would be easy because I only eat it about twice a month. Lamb I only eat at Ethiopian restaurants, but I can't imagine the rest of my life with no Lamb Tibs and Collard Greens. DAMN SCIENTISTS!!! Can't leave Yah's creation alone! What's wrong with plain old animals???? Why clone them in the first place, but MY GOODNESS, do they have to SELL them, too??? And FUCK YOU FDA!! How dare you even consider not labeling cloned meat????? SIMPLE ASSES. Y'all don't know the effects of eating this meat after YEARS, so WHY would y'all allow that? I'm outdone about the whole thing, really. I thought this was a no-brainer, I really did. Hell, for all I know, the mofos runnin' the FDA might be clones themselves. This might be the beginning of the (Matrix) revolution. Or we may have been eating cloned meat for who knows how long, since they cloned that sheep over in Switzerland I think it was, and that's how they know there are no effects for at least a few years. I don't know. All I know is I thought I was lettin' the meat go cuz who wants to eat a science fair experiment? But I LIKE meat. And I don't want no damn substitute, neither. Soy is aight sometimes, but NOT for the rest of my life. I need some meat in my life. I'll be cool these next 9 days or so, but after that, it's back to meat. That's how I forsee this whole thing going. I'll keep reading up on vegetarianism, and I'm reading Dr. Ornish's book, Eat More, Weigh Less (I didn't give it a chance last time because I wasn't tryna hear not eatin' meat). Maybe poultry will become to me like beef has, a couple times a month. Who am I kidding? I'm a walking stereotype: I LOVE chicken. I've already cut back on fried chicken, but I can't let go of the bird. I can't. I need to do some research and see how this cloning thing is going over in other countries. Cuz we are gettin' totally screwed over here in the States. I'm starting to wish I'd grown up on a farm and learned how to raise livestock. Hell, I also wish I woulda paid more attention when my mother and sister were in the garden cuz then now I would know how to grow my own produce. But it's not too late to learn how to do that. Ok, so that's food, lol. What a ramble.

Exercise. I have been going to Pilates. I went to my 4th class today. I'm really enjoying it!! And I can tell it's a good work-out because I am SORE the next day!!! I'm going every Sun, Tue, and Thu. After the first 10 weeks, I'll drop down to 2 days a week and do one day at home alone. But I'm going to take 30 classes at the place because I want to see if I really have a whole new body after 30 sessions. I can already tell (after only FOUR sessions) that I'm getting muscle tone in my arms and my legs. ESPECIALLY my legs. The muscles are still clearly covered in fat, but they're there. Motivation and inspiration to keep going. I've been slacking on my aerobics, though. I didn't do ANY last week. So this week, I'm shooting for 3x a week. That will be 6 days of activity, even though Pilates is "light" activity. Although I did break a sweat today. It was an awesome class! I see I'm going to love Sundays!

I don't know what I was trippin' off of . . .

2007-01-06T17:26:00.000-05:00

WHY would I wait 8 weeks to take a Pilates class? If part of my ultimate goal is to tone my muscles, WHY would I "reward" myself with the very thing that will help me meet my goal 8 weeks into it???? That's just plain stupid. Instead, I'm going to go when I get paid. If I'm serious about making this a priority, then I need to quit being so frugal and pay for a set of classes. After doing some more internet research, I realize that the classes are not THAT expensive for the mat or the ball. It's the equipment classes that make them expensive, and I'm not ready for all that yet. At least that's how it works at the cheapest place I've found which is funny cuz that's the place I figured would be the most expensive. The truth is, it's the same price as the belly dancing classes I took (and want to start taking again). So no more waiting. Plus, I'm tired of my back hurting all the time. No time like the present. As I read thru this blog, I'm constantly not doing something I said I'd do, and I'm tired of it. So no more complaining about having a flabby body. No more complaining about not doing strength & flexibility training. NO MORE! I need to get on the ball!

Speaking of the ball (lol), I did some exercises with my stability ball the past couple days. Trying to ease back into things, I guess. Did some ab work yesterday and some squats today. Man! I'm so out of shape. I mean, I know I'm in much better shape than I used to be, don't get me wrong, but I know I still need to be in much shape than I am now. I have to admit though, I did much better on the ball this time around. Well, that can't really be true cuz I really didn't do anything all that involved with the ball. I guess I just felt more confident.

These are my confessions

2007-01-05T22:48:00.000-05:00

When I was in Express and The Limited today, I felt terribly out of place. I felt very self-conscious as I looked for clothes, like everyone was looking at me and thinking I shouldn't be in there. Even after trying on the first size 12's, and feeling a certain sense of pride and immense JOY, I still felt like I was in a secret club I had snuck into. It was the ODDEST feeling ever. I think the problem is that I don't have the slightest idea what I look like. It's like, whether I can fit into the clothes or not, I still feel FAT. And it's some sick kind of conflict because I can tell I've lost a lot of weight and I think I look good . . . in clothes. But naked? Or in too big clothes? I don't think I look good at all. And, until today, I have been in too big clothes. So it's no wonder I don't feel as confident; I'm in a whole new skin. I know all about being a size 14-24, but going into these stores and being able to fit these sizes, well, it's gonna be an adjustment. I guess it's no different than any other change, you have to adapt. It's just that I always thought of losing weight as such a positive experience, and I never anticipated any negative or adverse feelings. But in that store earlier today, I didn't feel quite right. Still felt like I didn't belong. So weird.

MEGA MILESTONE!!!!!!!

2007-01-05T20:40:00.000-05:00

OMG!!!!! OK! I went to the mall today for two reasons: to walk (needed the extra steps) and try on clothes and see what size I'm in. Remember my Size 14 GAP jeans? Well, I need a belt with them now. They aren't falling off and they still kinda fit, but they are a bit looser than they need to be. Especially in the back; I HATE THAT!!! Anyway, I figured it was time to try on clothes again. My first stop? Express. Guess who could fit a 12? In my very best Elle Woods voice: ME!!! I couldn't believe it. And I don't mean suck-in-the-gut fit, either, I mean FIT!!! Except they didn't have any longs, so everything I tried on was too short. No matter, cuz I wasn't buyin' nothin' anyway, but still. I love my height, but it's only an issue when I'm buying clothes. I couldn't imagine being any taller than 5'8". Where do y'all buy pants? Better yet, ankle length dresses/skirts? Shopping is the only time I'll readily admit I'm taller than the average female (I live in denial, ok?). So my next stop was the Limited. I could fit their 12's ever better than Express!!! My next stop? Bath & Body Works cuz I felt like I deserved a reward. And lemme just say, WHY are they discontinuing my FAVORITE scent?!?!?!?! Sandalwood Rose. *sigh* I'ma hafta stock up. Today I only got two lotions and a shower gel. I'ma go back next week and get more lotion. I can't believe they are discontinuing it. I can't. That is so bootleg. They don't NEVER discontinue stuff I don't like. EVER. All that flowery mess is still up in there. But my faves (strawberry lemonade, pearberry, and now sandalwood rose) always get cut. Hardly cool. Hardly. Anyway, so y'all know what came next, right?

You guessed it: THRIFTING!!! I had to go to get new clothes!!! I've been wearing the same stuff over and over just mixing it up differently and I'm bored and tired. AND I haven't been dressing like myself. Jeans all the time, and I don't even like jeans all like that, but I have to wear what fits, right? Anyway, lemme TELL y'all!!!! I got a 100% wool sweater (MEDIUM!!) for 45 cents! Ironically, it's an Express sweater. I also got two pairs of pants (one Express, one Limited, both SIZE 12!!!) for $4 each, AND they're LONG! I got an Express skirt (yep, another 12) for $4. Now ain't it a trip that I went to both of these stores and couldn't find anything to fit quite right, yet I find their stuff in the thrift store and it fits PERFECTLY!!!!! OK, what else? Another 100% wool sweater for $2.25 and yet another for $1.50. A PINK 100% wool blazer, $1.50!!!!!! Basically, I spent $45 and I got two pairs of pants, a skirt, two blazers, five sweaters (4 of them grey/charcoal grey, lol), two oxford shirts, a blouse, and two turtlenecks (one was 90 cents!). OH!!! How could I forget: a pair of black loafers (that look BARELY worn) for $1.50 and a cute little black purse for a QUARTER!!!!! (I also got a 100% wool skirt (charcoal grey, lol) for $1.50, size 12, but it doesn't really fit. Goal skirt.) Man, you couldn't get two pair of pants, hell one, really, for $45, and look at all the stuff I got! I LOVE THE THRIFT STORE!!!! I might love it as much as I love the library. Maybe. I'ma find out what day they get their shipments in because I know I can find some good bargains (Coach purses, appliances, etc) on those days.

*sigh* Last but most certainly NOT least, the scale. I got on it today and it said 178.5!!!!! I'm trying not to get TOO pumped about it, cuz it's liable to go back up, but I'ma go 'head and enjoy it, lol.

In the words of Ice Cube, today was a good day!!!

Update, goals, etc...

2007-01-04T21:17:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm currently 181lbs (I have been up to 184 and back down since my last entry), so the scale is still moving down, praise YAH. But I'm motivated for this last stretch. I'm not sure what my final goal weight is anymore. But what I do know is this: I need to get to a "healthy" weight, and that means a BMI of 24.9 or lower. And THAT means 163.5lbs. So here's my plan: to lose 20lbs by 4/20. That will put me at 161, in about 15 weeks. I think I can do it. I've set benchmarks and a reward system as well. I will check in every 4 weeks or so, to see if I'm on target with my goal, with a small reward of some sort. Then at my midpoint (10lbs lost around 8 weeks in), I will enroll in a Pilates class. See, my rewards still have to be health related to keep me motivated and on track. Plus, Pilates classes are expensive, so I need to treat it as a real treat to appreciate it. When I reach 163.5lbs, I will have a Pre-Goal Celebration. I know it seems silly to celebrate a mere 2lbs before I get to my goal (short-term, not final), but reaching a healthy weight is SO important to me. I started this journey OBESE. I was TOO happy to become Overweight. But my whole point in all of this is the be healthy. When I reach 163.5, I will be free of all weight-related health risks. And THAT is cause for celebration!!! So I'm going to go on a Stay Healthy For Life shopping spree. Nothing too major, just buying stuff that I need to maintain my healthy lifestyle. *giggling* Who knew I'd ever even have a healthy lifestyle? Go girl!!! Anyway, on my SHFL spree (I call it my shuffle spree, lol) I'm going to buy a wok, a new knife set, measuring cups/spoons, cookbooks and other nutrition resources, a crock pot, and a wheatgrass juicer. Then when I get to 161lbs, I'm gonna have a half-day at the spa with a pedicure, full body massage, and maybe some hot stones, or something. But my goal is not just to lose 20lbs, either. My main focus is going to be toning and building some muscle. I REFUSE to be flabby and just a smaller version of my fat self. I REFUSE. So I'm seriously going to do something about it.

I'm actually excited about this last leg of my journey. I've decided to start going back to WW meetings. Here's the thing, since starting WW on 4/19, I've lost 37lbs. It's been 37 weeks, and I only attended meetings the first 12 of those. But I still lost an average of a pound a week. So I'm not going back because I'm not doing OK at it alone. I'm going back to make SURE I stay focused and to become a Lifetime member and hopefully a leader. I've decided to purchase a monthly pass because I'll get more for my money that way. For cheaper than the cost of simply attending meetings, I can attend as many meetings as I want AND get e-tools. So that's the plan.

And y'all know I'm still reading everything I can get my hands on. I have at home right now The Fat Smash Diet (which I'm actually going to give a chance, thanks Soror T!), The Good Carbohydrate Revolution, Mayo Clinic's Healthy Weight for Everybody, Mayo Clinic's Fitness for Everybody, Antioxidant Revolution, Getting Thin and Loving Food (by Chef Kathleen), Jillian Michael's book, a book called How Fat Works, Vitamins: Fundamental Aspects in Nutrition and Health, and a couple food count books by Corinne Netzer.

I went home a couple weeks ago and a friend of mine (who I've known since we were 16) saw me and said, "OMG, Monique, you are high school skinny!!" At first, I was like, whatever, girl. But after I got back home, I actually saw what she meant. It's a shame that we can't always see the progress the way someone who hasn't seen you in months can. It just made me feel really good to know that I've actually accomplished something and people can TELL. And this is a conscious effort. So it's nice to know that I'm being successful.

I guess that's it for now. Off to fitday.com to enter my food for the past week. Until next time, stay encouraged!!!

Update, I guess

2006-12-16T15:11:00.000-05:00

Well, the scale started moving DOWN again!!!!! The week before last, I lost 4lbs! Took me to 184. Then last week, I lost 1lb, so I was 183 at the beginning of this week. Today, I was 181. I kinda had a bad day yesterday, totally overate. And I'm doing HORRIBLY with Core. I don't know if I'll be able to transition to Core like I wanted or not. I mean, I never thought I'd make the changes I've made, so I guess anything is possible. But what I know right now is that trying to eat only Core foods is HARD AS HAYLE. I'd be done with my WAP by the 3rd or 4th day of the week. And then what? But here's the thing, even when I go over my points, I'm usually still under or around 1500 calories. And it's not very often that I'll go over 2000. I have my days, but they are few and far between, like maybe twice a month. So I'm fairly proud of that. I'm SO ready to be out of the 180's. You know, it's a trip. You wait SO long just to be in ONEderland, but that high doesn't really last that long. Don't get me wrong, I am TOTALLY enjoying myself in the mirror, but it's bittersweet because I still look at the things that need to change. And I am constantly chastizing myself for not doing what I know I need to be doing. For example, I have never looked at my back before, like REALLY looked at it. So last week, I started, and you know what I noticed? My top back-fat-roll is diminishing. I got PUMPED when I noticed it. But immediately after that, I looked at the middle back-fat-roll and got mad at myself. It is still there in FULL FORCE. Now, I don't know if strength/flexibility/weight training would help or not, but if I were actually DOING it, I WOULD know. And THAT'S what ticked me off. How can I look in the mirror and have the NERVE to be disgusted by back fat when I'm not doing EVERYTHING I can to get rid of it? That's just ridamndiculous. One of the quotes I wrote in my food journal is "if you want to SEE change you have to EARN change." If I want the backfat to disappear, I need to MAKE it disappear. No more 'tools of incompetence' for THIS sista!

I have another magazine subscription that I adore. A friend of mine has a daughter who's a Girl Scout and they did a magazine drive, so I got two subscriptions and one of them was to Fitness magazine. I've never read it or even seen it, but it seemed like a good idea. I got my first issue this week and devoured it! It's FULL of good information. I like it because it doesn't focus just on weight-loss. And that's good for me because sometimes I get so caught up on that I can't see the forest for the trees. I'm trying to prevent disease and all that, but I forget that I need to tone my muscles. I NEED to. Not to look good, but they will help burn more fat, which will help me slim down faster, and be healthier faster. So why am I not doing it????? I think it might intimidate me or something. Or maybe it's cuz it's not easy. Exercising is fairly easy cuz I walk. And I like to walk. Or I dance, and I like to dance. I don't enjoy strength and flexibility training. I WANT to enjoy it, but I'm not into it all like that. Now, I want to take a Pilates class and start back taking belly dancing classes. I WANT to tone and stuff, but I don't have any motivation to DO it. I really need to get it together.

Silver lining? I'm buying a car next week. So I'll be able to go to the rec center and walk around the track. Won't be the same work-out since it's flat and no hills, but exercise is exercise. Then hopefully I'll get hired on (in February) at the place I'm working at right now cuz they have a fitness center. THEN I'll really have no excuses! I'm trying to stay positive and stop the emotional eating. The truth is, I did good yesterday. The old me would have gone and gotten a pint of ice cream and some cookies to go with it. Instead, I ate what I had at home, so I overate but it could have definitely been worse. I had some good fat, Planters NUTrition, got some tryptophan from popcorn (94%ff), but I had some bad fat, too, chocolate chip cookies. I needed somethign sweet. But it coulda definitely been worse.

I'll be back when I'm in the 170's. Reward at 175lbs!!!

At 181, I'm 36lbs away from my goal!!!!! I CAN do this!!!

Forgot a couple...

2006-11-29T18:49:00.000-05:00

milestones/compliments. Milestone first. I fit comfortably in seats on public transportation! It used to be uncomfortable if I had to share the seat, but now it's not. I don't even look for the skinniest person to sit next to like I used to. And I forgot my friend told me that my face looks skinny (or skinnier, I forget what she said exactly). So Kudos to me! :)

Also, I was wrong about maintaining. I LOST A POUND LAST WEEK!! I don't know if I mentioned that I'd bought a scale, but I did. I weigh myself at least once a week (ok, ok, sometimes I do it daily, what can I say? I'm obsessed.) and document it in my food journal, just as if I were weighing in at WW. I'm at 188. I was at 189 last week. So maybe I'm getting it together. What I DO know is that I was at 186 and I'd like to get out of the 180's. Maybe I should start making small goals. I'm trying not to focus so much on losing weight, but making changes in my habits that I can actually stick to. So I guess with all the experimenting and whatnot I haven't been as focused on the weight coming off. But clearly if I'm on the scale every day I MUST be concerned. Dunno what to say about that. What I know is that I don't want to be all strict and everything with my food intake. I'm not dieting, so why should I? But I'm still out of habit and eating too many calories. I'm doing OK so far this week. I think the problem is the lack of exercise. But when am I going to fit it in? I wake up at 5am already and am out the the door by 6am. I don't get back home until almost 8pm, then I relax and get ready to do it all again the next day. I barely have time to eat dinner (or cook it since I haven't been cooking all my meals on sundays) let alone exercise. And I have videos at home from the library! I make sure I keep some on hand. But I am doing HORRIBLE at adding activity to my days. I must get better. Even the Curves circuit training is only 30mins three days a week. I should be able to manage that, right? Hmph, I guess I'm lazy. But I'll get it together. Really, when you think about it, what's the rush? If I maintain or lose a little here an there during the winter, and then start back up strong when the weather breaks, so what? Why am I so focused on the goal DATE? I want to be healthy, and I guess I want to do it as fast as possible so that I can maintain my good health. I dunno, I guess I'm rambling.

That's all for today. I'm tired and ready to be at home. While I'll be glad when I no longer have to catch the bus, I wonder how it will affect my activity. I'm sure I'll have less steps. *sigh* Cross that bridge when we get to it. I'm just glad that in the midst of all this turmoil I haven't eaten myself in the ground. THAT'S an accomplishment!!!

Toodles!

Update (mini-milestone included)

2006-11-28T18:52:00.000-05:00

Well, the holiday has come and gone. And while I didn't really do well, I didn't totally blow it, either. I only ate once on Thanksgiving, but I ate enough for 2 people. And it was GOOD!!! The day after, I went to Ponderosa (it's been TOO long since I've been there) and ate enough for about THREE people! Bad, right? I know. And I drank both nights, too. No exercise, even though I took home a video. Friday night I got sick. I thought it was from drinking, but I think I caught a virus from my great-nephews because me, my sister, and my neice were all sick. I was SO scared to get on the scale when I got back home. But I maintained! I neither gained nor lost!!! So that's why I say I didn't totally blow it. I walked for about 20mins yesterday since it was so nice out. I also took the stairs at work, TWICE! I work on the 5th floor. I always take them down, but yesterday I took them up as well both times. I'm kinda proud of that. I figure I gotta do whatever I can, y'know?

I was getting home late from work last week every day, so I didn't cook dinner ONCE! I ate ate work every day. Too much money and too many calories. I tried to keep it in check, but that's not so easy. I'm still writing down everything that goes in my mouth and I'm still entering it into FitDay.com. For the past month or so I've just been maintaining. Which I guess isn't a bad thing, but I need to get back on track with WW. I decided to transition to Core instead of the Flex plan. MAN!! Some days are ok and others are like WHOA! It's gonna be an adjustment, but it needs to be done. I'm getting so much better with portion control, but seriously, since I had to drop down in points (from 26 to 24), I find it harder to stay within my points. So I figured I'd try Core. I still keep track of my points, but I also keep track of what's Core and where I would be with WAP if I were strictly doing Core. I have no idea what I'ma cook for dinner tonight (and lunch tomorrow). I need to go to the grocery store, but I don't feel like it; not til the weekend, prolly. So I have to make do with what I have. I guess chicken is the easiest thing to make, huh? We'll see. I might make some tuna fish and call it a day.

As far as my inches, I'm still losing. OH!! How could I forget?! I went thrifting!!! I have two things I'm VERY pleased about. 1) I bought a pair of GAP drawstring pants. Kinda big in the legs, but they fit in the waist: SIZE MEDIUM!!!! WHOA!! and 2) I also got a pair of Liz Clairborne pants (and I know designer clothes run a size smaller than they really are but SO WHAT) and they are a SIZE 12!!!!!!! SIZE 12!!!!! WOOWHOOOOOO!!!!!! Now I need to invest in some new bras cuz I need some and cuz all of mine are too big, in teh cup AND in the back.

I received plenty of compliments at home and i'm going to list them quickly:

1) My sister said, "Ooh, gettin' slim-n-trim!!"
2) Her grandmother (we have different fathers) didn't recognize me and said it was because LAST time she saw me, I was LARGE.
3) My cousin said, "Are you losing weight?"
4) Her son said, "Damn, you slimmin' down? You slimmin' down!!"
5) And my best friend said I finally look like I have a butt!!!! YAY!!!! You know it's sad when fat can actually HIDE body parts.

That's all for now, more soon, I hope. As always, stay encouraged!!!

I simply said, albeit VERY cheerfully, "Thanks for noticing!"

Mini Milestone

2006-11-01T19:08:00.000-05:00

How excited am I?! I tuck in all my shirts!!!!! I can't believe I don't have to leave my shirts untucked anymore!!! Even though I had a bad week last week (my period is a TRIP), I can still tuck my shirt in and THAT'S motivation!!!!! I've also been slacking with making lunch, so I'm wasting money AND calories. No more of that after this week.

I look GOOD!!! I love catching my reflexion in the mirror or windows as I walk past. I can't WAIT to see how good I look once I reach goal! I mean, I have my moments, definitely. At one point today I went to the bathroom and thought, you've lost about 60lbs, and you are still fat. BUT, not for long!!! It's like I can't see the old me, all I see is the new me and the new me is overweight and needs to lose at least 30lbs (shooting for 40 more, but I don't wanna look crazy, so I'ma see how I look as I get smaller and smaller).

Well, that's it!!! Until the next weigh-in or milestone . . . STAY ENCOURAGED!!!

Still losing!!!

2006-10-29T14:52:00.000-05:00

I had to go out and get a scale. I won't be able to go to TOPS meetings due to a work conflict, so I need to be able to weigh myself. I was afraid to get on the scale because of the binging and whatnot. But I needn't have worried: I'm at 186lbs!!! I can't believe it, but the weight just keeps coming off. Thanks to FitDay.com, I know that I'm consistently burning more calories than I eat each day. So I guess that's why I'm still losing. Know what I thought about today? How much better would I look if I was exercising consistently? I'm losing all this weight and I still look fat and flabby. I need to really get it together. So I also got a resistance tube so I could start circuit training. I noticed in the mirror that my stomach has the two vertical lines on each side, you know, where my abs are supposed to be. I decided that I want a six-pack! And the only way to get it is to commit to being more active and doing activity that builds muscle. After all of this, I really do wanna look as good as I feel. I only did one exercise video last week. This week, I'm challenging myself to do the videos THREE days and circuit training THREE days. CHALLENGE!!!

What a week! Whew!

2006-10-22T12:39:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I started a new job this week. When I say it took ALL my energy, it took it ALL. I'm up at 5am and not home until 6:30pm (at the earliest), and by then, I'm EXHAUSTED! It doesn't help that I'm an insomniac. My goal is to be in bed by 9pm. Anyway, I didn't cook a single thing all week! And I only walked ONCE. SAD!!! I ate HORRIBLY, too. Only drank one glass of fresh juice. I only packed my lunch once. One day I got a healthy lunch, but still, I have got to do better. Three days last week, I ate fried, fatty foods for lunch. Unacceptable. So I came up with a plan.

Food. Each Sunday, I'm going to make dinner and lunch for the WHOLE week. That way, I don't have to worry about cooking or anything during the week. I will have time to make a glass of juice in the morning, exercise for 30mins in the evening, and make a glass of fresh juice to drink before dinner. I have to get back on track. This week, I'm making pasta (using whole wheat pasta, ground turkey, and turkey italian sausage) and red beans and yellow rice. With two meals, I can switch up during the week and not get bored with my choices. I will also keep salad made so that I can have a side salad with my lunch and dinner each day. And I'll snack on fruit and veggies.

Exercise. Ok, so walking for an hour just might not happen. I know I said I'd keep walking in the cold, but it just may not happen. I'm too tired to commit to that just yet. BUT, I can still do the Curves style circuit training (30mins, 3x/wk) and aerobic videos (30mins, 3x/wk). I will MAKE 30 minutes to exercise each day. NO EXCUSES!!!!! I'm at the library now and the first thing I did was pick up 6 exercise videos!

Accountability. I bought the cutest little notebook to use as my food journal. It's pink and green and just cute. :) I got it on the 18th and I began to use it on the 18th, even though I wasn't eating well. I ate horribly all week, but I still wrote everything down. AND I signed up at www.fitday.com. I LOVE this site!!! I can enter my food intake and activity each day and see the breakdown of how many calories I've eaten, what percentage comes from fat, carb, and protein, how much saturated/polyunsat/monounsat fat, whether or not I'm getting my RDA of vitamins and minerals, and reports of calories eaten vs calories burned. It helps me to stay on track, not just with how many points I'm eating, but whether or not I'm eating the RIGHT stuff. I love it! And I'll tell you what, even when I binge, I'm still burning more calories than I eat. I totally forgot about my basal metabolic rate. Totally forgot that my body burns calories on its own. THAT'S why I'm still losing weight and inches. But I have to give my body the nutrients it needs and that's where fitday comes in to play. I've been keeping track of my points, and man, I've been eating too much. I've already gone thru all of my WAP and I still have 3 days to go! It's so true, when you don't write stuff down, you lose track of what you've eaten. And I'm gonna start my period this week, too?! So you can imagine what I've been eating. Friday night I ate a pint of ice cream. 1/2 of one kind and 1/2 of another. That was dinner. How sad is that? Then yesterday I ate 7 wingdings (21pts) and LOTS of bread. So now I have to enter that into fitday (the best way I can for the bread sticks). But the good news is, today is a NEW day. All that bad eating is BEHIND me! I can move forward starting today.

Now, even though I didn't eat well and I didn't exercise like I should have, there WERE things that I think I did well last week. On Monday, there was an ice cream social. Free ice cream, as much as you wanted (people were taking ice cream home, ok?) Monique didn't eat ANY! Then they had a BAKE SALE!!! Did I buy anything? Yup - an apple. It was HUGE and DELICIOUS!!! I didn't buy any snacks from the vending machine all week (save some Sun Chips for my lunch on Tuesday). Our trainer brought in coffee cake at the beginning of the week. I didn't have any. Then on Friday, she brough in brownies. I didn't have any of those, either. So even though I did bad all by myself, it could have been considerably worse!

I'll update on how I do this week! Since I'm planning ahead, I should be aight!!!

Mini update

2006-10-12T12:00:00.000-05:00

Herbs & Gardening. Ok, so this gardening thing is a little more than I thought it would be. I mean, I only wanted to grow herbs. But I can't start them in the fall/winter. I figure I'll read and research during these seasons, do some little projects at home (I got a couple gardening books for kids and they have some projects in them), and by the time spring gets here, I'll be ready to plant some stuff. Now, I did see some herb plants at the grocery store, mint and something else, so I think I'll get those and just put them in actual pots. That's a start. If I can keep them alive, I know I can grow some stuff. I'm still going to grow and juice wheatgrass. I don't have to wait until spring to do that. And from what I'm reading, it seems really easy to grow; only takes about 7 days. So I figure I'll finish reading The Wheatgrass Book (by Ann Wigmore), buy a wheatgrass juicer off of Ebay, and get started growing in a month or so. Man, that stuff sounds POWERFUL!!! I used to silently mock folks who went into juice bars getting shots of random stuff. Who KNEW I'd end up one of these natural fanatics. Well, I'm not a fanatic, I'm just trying to be the healthiest I can be. More on that later.

Juicing. I'm doing it! Two glasses of fresh juice each day! I LOVE carrot-apple juice! Today I added some pineapple and it was DELICIOUS!!! My evening juices will always be green vegetables with some carrot and apple to give it some sweetness and make it easier to digest. I've moved my juicer from the baker's rack to the counter. With it in my view all the time, it's hard to forget to use it. And I have little to no counter space, but I'm making it work. I've been thinking about moving so that I have a better (bigger, more cabinet & counter space) kitchen, but I REALLY destest moving. I also wanted to save money on rent, but I just don't have it in me to move right now. That's too exhausting of a task and I'm already mentally and emotionally drained. So for now I'm staying put, little kitchen and all.

Books. I love them!!! I am learning SO much just from reading. My latest faves? The fat-free cooking books by Sandra Woodruff. I'm going to try a couple of her recipes today. I'm pretty excited about it. Even bread, and I've never made homemade bread in my life; that's my middle sister's forte. Tonight it's gonna be oven-fried chicken and cornbread. Little to no fat!!! And I'm making my own ovenfry stuff, not store-bought. I may even make a chocolate cake. I plan to buy all of her books off of Amazon when I get a little extra cash. Also, these juicing books. A wealth of information, so I'm gonna get a couple of those off Amazon, too. And a must-have is the Wellness Foods A-Z; I absolutely HAVE to have this book!!! I can't keep checking it out from the library. It tells not just about food, but also vitamins and minerals. It's a resource I must have.

Exercise. I'm still walking. Not every day, but about 3 times a week for an hour each time. That's just a minimum, though. I mean, they say walk for 30mins 6 times a week. But I think that's for everybody and to lose weight I need to do a little more. So I'm gonna get back on it. I'm proud of myself, though. I have been going through hell mentally and emotionally the past few months and I have NOT let it interrupt this!!! Normally, I give up, but not this time. In the midst of absolute crisis and chaos, I've kept walking. I think I've accomplished a life change. Now if I don't walk, I actually MISS it! Still need to get it together with the strength and flexibility training. I really like the Curves workout (as outlined in the curves book to do at home). So on the days that I don't walk, that's what I'm going to do. I have to get a jump rope and a new 4ft resistance band. Then it's on! And it's only 30mins, so I have time for that. It's cold today, about 49 degrees, but I still walked! Can't gain weight cuz it's cold outside is what I keep telling myself. So I i have on two pairs of pants, a tshirt, and two sweatshirts. Works for me! And when it gets colder, I'll add thermals and a turtleneck and of course some type of jacket. NOTHING will keep me from my goal.

TOPS. Still haven't joined. I honestly haven't had the extra cash to do so. I started to just join and worry about money later, but I figured, I've been doing well by myself for the past few months, I can hold out a little longer. But I still want to join (NEED to join) because I like the accountablity and support of a weight-loss group and I like being able to weigh in each week to see where I'm at. I just have to figure out how their dues work. If I have to pay again in January, I'ma just wait 'til then. But if my dues are based on when I join, I'm joining as soon as I have $26 extra.

So that's where I'm at right now. Stay encouraged!!!

Bad news - BINGE!!

2006-10-09T14:15:00.001-05:00

Yup, I'm in the midst of a binge. Let's see. Friday night I ate a whole can of cashews. I felt horrible on Saturday, but not so bad that I didn't keep eating. I ordered a pizza and ate the whole thing. It was a small, six slices, but still, I ate the WHOLE thing. In two sittings. And some cheese sticks. From Papa John's. Not to mention the cheese was probably unclean. I have to do better. Today I ate a .99 bag of Doritos and a .99 bag of mini Oreos. I don't know what's wrong with me. While I'm coming up with these meals and anticipating getting back on the bandwagon FOR REAL, I'm falling off big time. But I'm conscious of it and I won't let it get out of hand. I know I don't want to do this, though, because I feel constipated and bloated. Ugh, I just don't feel well. And I know why, so I know how to avoid this feeling.

That's one of the reasons I'm looking into this juice fasting stuff so tough - I know I need to cleanse my system. I know I do. But I'm going to let the juice do it for me. We'll see.

More research

2006-10-09T14:15:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I've been reading on juicing and fruits and vegetables and detoxification. I've learned so much. One of the things I've been thinking about is growing my own herb garden. Well, there's no better time to start than the present. I figure I can teach myself how to do it buy getting books and reading so I came to the library to get started. I start a new job next week and want everything in place before that life-change commences. I've already come up with plenty of meal ideas (over 30 for dinner and a few for breakfast and lunch), so I don't have to worry about that. But I'm planning on going grocery shopping this week to get the things I'll need for the next week or two. I'm seriously committed to juicing, so I need to learn about some herbs and different sprouts, namely wheatgrass. I want to see what I can grow in the kitchen and what I can grow on my balcony, even though it's about to get cold. I don't have a window in my kitchen; I hope that doesn't pose a problem. I only have a few more days off and I want to maximize this time for learning and making changes, if need be.

I don't know if I'm going to do a fast or not, but I'm definitely adding two glasses of fresh juice each day. And I'm going to make them WORK for me!!

I found so many great recipes! I can't wait to try them out! Who knew that I would get addicted to cooking and stuff?! Gardnening?? Me?! Amazing! But I can't wait to start. I guess these are my newest hobbies.

More on this later...

Where I'm at now

2006-10-05T13:46:00.000-05:00

I haven't really been updating this like I should. I do still keep my weight-loss journal at home, so I'm keeping track of everything, but still. Anyway, here's where I'm at...

WW will always be the foundation of my weight-loss plan, whatever it may be at the moment. Like right now, I'm not counting points (per se), but I pay attention to portion sizes and I *think* about how many points I'm consuming whenever I eat. It just dawned on me a couple days ago that I now have to eat FEWER points. I was a little miffed at first, but not like I didn't know this was coming. I understand that the smaller I get, the less fuel my body will need to run. I get that and all. But I'm overweight because I have a food addiction, so eating FEWER points still poses a problem to me. I JUST got acclimated to eating 26pts, now I'm down to 24. BUT the flip side of it is I'm still earning activity points and I still have those 35 WAP, so I'm good to go. But WW and the Points system will never be far from me. They help me to regulate what I eat and how much of it I eat at one time. I may not be attending my meetings, but I still get my magazine and I still have all of my WW tools from the 12 weeks I did attend meetings. That being said...

I'm researching again. I talked to a soror and she happened to mention detox. This is the second time it's come up in our conversations, so I figured I'd research it a little bit. And I don't mean taking any pills from GNC, I mean natural detoxification. Clearly, I have no idea what that entails, but I'm trying to steer clear of foreign substances. Not to mention, most pills or capsules are made with gelatin, and I can't eat pork in any form, so that's out. And speaking of not eating pork, what I know is helping me is following the dietary law set forth by our Creator. He lays it all out for us in Leviticus 11. I've been following this law for about 3 years now, but I'm constantly learning new foods that are unclean because they contain pork by-products. It dawned on me that if I was more conscientious in paying attention to ingredients and faithfully following YAH's dietary law, I'd be A LOT healthier! Anyway, that was all off topic, but important nonetheless. So I decided to get some books on detoxification while I was here at the library. I am checking out books I've already read but want to read again, and then books I've never read at all. Here's what I have:

The Detox Diet by Elson M. Haas, M.D. - I read the introduction and a little bit of each of the first few chapters. Very interesting and informative. Taking it home to get a better understanding of who needs, why, and when to detox. It even includes a detox diet. This has more to do with health than with weight-loss, but apparently has weight-loss effects.
Juice Fasting and Detoxification by Steve Meyerowitz - I picked this up because I haven't been juicing and I wanted to get back into it. Again, more for health benefits than for weight-loss.
The Juiceman's Power of Juicing by Jay Kordich - I read some of this when I first got my juicer and wanted to learn about juicing. I figured I may as well pick it up again.
Weight Loss That Lasts by James M. Rippe, M.D. & Weight Watchers - Why not? Just to keep me on my toes, give me a little extra motivation, and maybe I'll learn something that you don't get in meetings. A refresher course, if you will.
Mayo Clinic Healthy Weight for Everybody - Heard lots of good things about the Mayo Clinic. Turns out, the whole Mayo Clinic Diet is a myth, doesn't exist. But I figured I'd still read the book because they are touted to be experts. Might learn something.
FitFood, Eating Well for Life by Ellen Haas - I'm currently reading Superfoods Rx (for the 2nd time) and Superfoods HealthStyle, both by Dr. Steven Pratt. FitFood lists 21 fit foods, their advantages, and recipes using them. Very similar to the 14 Superfoods, so I figured I'd pick it up and compare and see if there is anything new in there that I haven't read before.
Wellness Foods A to Z by Sheldon Margen, M.D. - I've had this book before and I just had to pick it up again. It's like an encyclopedia of all foods and their nutritional benefits. It's fascinating. Nothing you could read cover to cover, but I would love to own this one day. In the meantime, I can keep getting it for FREE from the library. :)

So that's where I'm at right now. What I've come to realize is that if I focus on my HEALTH and not my looks, I get a lot farther. I don't want heart disease and I refuse to get it. I REFUSE. So I'm all about what I eat. I read in one of these books that 3 out of the 4 top reasons for disease have to do with how we eat. How crazy is that? All we have to do to ensure that we are healthy and remain healthy is EAT RIGHT?! Yet we don't do it. Damn all that. If that's all I have to do to ensure I don't follow in my parents' footsteps, I'M ON IT!!! I'm also trying to add new and different foods to my diet. I'm guilty of eating the same things all the time. It's not that I don't like what I eat or that I'm getting bored, it's just that I'm missing out on nutrients from other foods. So I'm broadening my horizons, which is hard for me because I'm a VERY picky eater. And I DON'T like vegetables. But I've decided to eat to live and not live to eat. I should not eat food simply because I like how it tastes, but because it's good for me and will have lasting effects on my health in the long run. That's what's important. If it's just THAT bad, then I'll juice it. Plus, I figure I don't have to eat whatever vegetable it is by itself, I can incorporate it into a recipe and still reap the nutritional benefits from it. I'm growing. Who knew?!

Another book I have at home right now is Cooking Thin With Chef Kathleen by Kathleen Daelmanns. It's a cookbook, with some decent recipes, but what I love about it even more is that before she even gets into the recipes, she gives tips on weight-loss. It's REALLY great and I'd recommend it to anyone.

So what have I learned? This has nothing to do with a "diet." I'm not on a "diet." I'm simply changing my eating habits and becoming more active. That's all. The changes I've made and am currently making will be a part of my lifestyle forever. That's why I can't do anything drastic - I know I'm not going to stick to it, so there's no sense in doing it now. Plus, I'm all about my health. Drastic diets focus on weight-loss, and while that's all well and good, what about my health?

So that's where I'm at!

Next up: Curves and limiting carbs, low-fat baking... Stay tuned...

ONEDERLAND, BABY!!!!!

2006-10-02T09:26:00.000-05:00

That's right!!! I'm FINALLY in ONEderland!!! 193.5!!!! I have no idea when it actually happened cuz I haven't weighed myself in a while. But I did last week at a friend's house who had a digital scale. Man, I was so shocked by the read-out I had to weigh myself TWICE!! I haven't been writing down what I eat or really counting points. I have been paying attention to everything I put into my mouth and making sure that I'm making healthy choices. And I've kept exercising no matter what. And these last two weeks have been... WHEW!!! Life threw me a couple curve balls but a sista is STILL maintaining!!! AND consistently losing weight on top of it!!! I DIDN'T EMOTIONALLY EAT!!!! I DIDN'T STOP WALKING!!!!! Man, I'm growing and I LOVE it!!!!! There is NO going back!!!!

There is one slight problem. I have NO clothes. Now that fall is here, I have no clothes. And I can't afford to go shopping. I did get a couple sweaters at the GAP outlet last week, but I really need pants. Really, I need pants and skirts. I'm cool on jeans; those fit. My sister is sending me some clothes that she can't fit anymore, and my sister can dress, so it's cool. Most of that stuff she ain't never even wore. Y'all, even my shoes are too big. And I don't part with shoes. PERIOD. So I'ma hafta work something out, lol.

At any rate, just had to update cuz a sista is EXCITED!!!!!!!! This is the smallest I've been in 14 years!!!!! I'm NEVER EVER EVER going back!!!! EVER!!!!! Only 48 more pounds to go. This time next year, I'll be at my goal of 145lbs!!!

I still need to commit to doing some strength and flexibility. I have to keep reminding myself that if I don't, I'll be thin, but flabby and not toned, and that's just unacceptable! After all of this, I want to look good. Because the truth is, I FEEL good!!! I'm so proud of me, I really am. No heart disease for me!!! I will NOT follow in my mother's footsteps! I'm ADDING years to my life, not taking away, and there's nothing I'd trade in the world for that. Not even a box of Nabisco Ginger Snaps. (*And I came REAL close a couple weeks ago, REAL close!!*)

I guess that's all for now.

WOOWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

:-D

Update

2006-09-04T15:48:00.000-05:00

I haven't weighed myself in I don't know how long, so I have no idea what the scale says. I'm not worried because I FEEL thinner. And I'm keeping up with my measurements. That will have to do for now.

Bootcamp for Brides, Stability Ball, and Pilates - I haven't been doing any of that. As far as the Pilates, I think I would rather take a class because it seems you need to know proper positions and all that. If I'm going to do it, I want to do it right. I'm trying to alleviate pain, not create new ones, y'know? I have an exercise video (from the library, of course) for the Stability Ball, so I'm going to give that a try. And of course I'm still walking.

Haven't been writing down what I eat this past week, but I'm going to get back on the ball. I need to start planning AND recording my meals. Keeps me on track.

More milestones!!!

2006-09-04T15:32:00.000-05:00

Can you even BELIEVE it?! Ok, so first, I went out the other night and since it's gotten chilly, I put on my boots. Y'all, I zipped them up my calf with NO PROBLEM!!! I didn't have to hold them together or nothin'!!! They just zipped right up! I took my boot off and measured my calf: I've lost an inch off my calf! It is soooooo hard for me to lose inches off of my calves and check it out!!! A whole inch! For like two years it was 16 inches and now it's only 15!!! WOOWHOOOOOO!!!

Ok, so remember the GAP jeans I got from the thrift store earlier in the spring/summer? Size 14 GAP jeans that I was supposed to be able to fit by July? Well, in July they fit, but not WELL, y'know what I'm sayin'? I couldn't quite get them over my butt (and I don't even have a regular blackgirl butt). I thought maybe they were irregularly made (hence how they ended up at the thrift store BRAND NEW) and would never fit properly. So anyway, I have been walking more regularly (as I committed to do in my last post). This month is the first time I actually exercised while on my period (GO ME!!). I walked today, took my shower, and tried to find something to wear. My wardrobe has totally diminished due to my clothes being too big and me not having money to get new clothes that fit. So I decide to try on my GAP jeans (my size 14 GAP jeans) to see how far I have to go before I could wear them. THEY FIT!!! THEY FIT!!! THEY FIT!!!! I have them on right now!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I am NEVER EVER EVER EVER going back!!!! This feels TOO damn good!!!!!

How's THAT for motivation?

:)

MILESTONE!!!!!

2006-08-28T08:46:00.000-05:00

OK, so I've been slacking on my walks. I only walked twice last week. There were a few days I still had over 10K steps, but not because of exercise, just walked a lot. I did go walking yesterday, but only for 45 minutes instead of my usual 60+. Anyway, I needed something to get me in gear so I went to try on clothes at the regular people's stores. Yesterday, I went to NY&CO. I can fit THEIR 14's!!!!!!! Well, not the jeans. But the dress pants. And I tried on tops and a skirt that were size LARGE and they fit FINE!!!!! I couldn't believe it! I expected them to be too small to motivate me to get that X from in front of my size. And here it is they fit just fine. I WEAR A LARGE!!!!! I WEAR A LARGE!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Excited is SUCH an understatement!!!!!

:-D

I'll make SURE I keep walking and whatnot because I am NOT going back into Lane Bryant, Ashley Stewart, OR the Avenue!!!! NO MORE PLUS SIZE STORES FOR THIS REAL WOMAN!!!! WooWhoooooooo!!!!!!!

What's this all about anyway?

2006-08-16T13:59:00.000-05:00

It dawned on me that I am going to be sharing all types of stuff in here. I realize I started this blog to document my weight-loss journey and feelings. But what I know is that my compulsive eating is driven by something deeper and I have a feeling that a lot of my mental and emotional issues coupled with my financial issues and economic background have an impact on my eating habits. So I'm going to talk about EVERYTHING up in here. And I promise, once I figure out how to explain the whole agoraphobia thing, I will. It's a panic disorder, from what I understand. And although I suffer from depression, I do have some anxiety issues, as well.

Basically, I'm learning a lot about myself. It's exciting and scary all at once. But I'll tell you what. Once I set my appointment to return to therapy and could see a light at the end of the tunnel, the compulsive eating stopped. Now I'm at the other end of the spectrum: barely eating. I forget. If I'm not damn near starving, I forget I have to eat. So I have to make an effort to eat throughout the day. Not so easy, but I'm getting used to it.

I have a really good feeling about ALL of this. I feel like I'm on my way to healing and it feels sooooo good!!!

Why am I excited about exercising today? :)

It's been a long time

2006-08-16T11:13:00.000-05:00

Too long, really. Well, I kinda fell off the bandwagon. My last post I think I said I was at 205lbs. Even falling off the bandwagon, I've lost 1lb and 1 inch. I'm at 204 last I weighed and I'm back on the bandwagon. I write down what I eat, and in my head, I count my points, but I'm not so focused on that anymore. I'm more focused on making sure I eat healthy foods and exercise. Once I'm REALLY back on track, I will do better at watching portions and weighing and all that. Right now, it's one step at a time.

So what happened? Where have I been? I had a slight "breakdown." As I've mentioned, I suffer from depression. The month of July I just crashed. Didn't go to work. Didn't answer my phone. Didn't leave my apartment (except to go to the store or the library). I visited three friends, too. But that's it. I talked to my best friend, but that was it. I began to have suicide-related thoughts. Not of actually killing myself, but of things like the difference between veins and arteries and why do people sit in the bathtub when they slit their wrists; shit like that. My best friend called my therapist to let her know what was going on since I'd also isolated from her and skipped my last two appointments. I finally got in to see her and she thinks I may also suffer from agoraphobia. So I went to the library and got all kinds of books on that, too. She might be on to something. I feel like I'm finally understanding what I've been going through. I still don't know how to explain it fully, but it helps to know that I'm not alone. I just wish in all the years of therapy I've been in (13yrs), someone would've brought this up. But the books I'm reading say that it's often overlooked, so I guess it's normal, whatever that means.

So I'm taking things one day at a time. During that month I was isolated in my apartment (housebound as the books say), I ate all KINDS of stuff. Forget counting points. Breyer's pints were on sale, 10 for $10. I probably ate about 5 pints of ice cream last month. That's about how much ice cream I normally eat in a year. Seriously. I wonder if I will eat any more ice cream this year? I should be all ice creamed out.

Even during all of my compulsive eating, I knew I'd be back on the bandwagon sooner or later, I just hoped it was sooner. I just didn't have the motivation to do ANYTHING. I walked a couple of times. Literally, like maybe twice in a month. I've already walked twice this week. I've gotten more books from the library. I'd gotten one for my linesister who's getting married next year called Bootcamp360 for Brides. I flipped thru it and it motivated me a lot!!! I looked at the exercise plan and it was all doable from home using a stability ball, resistance bands, and free weights. I have all that stuff at home!!! I'd stopped using the stability ball because I couldn't figure out how to balance on it. So I decided to go BACK to the library and get books on the ball. I'm SO glad I did!! I didn't know that part of the work-out was balancing on the ball!!! It strengthens your core muscles, just like belly dancing! So now that I understand it, I'm going to try it again. I haven't been to belly dancing class, and won't be back for two weeks (I'm broke), so this will keep all those little muscles working. Anyway, in reading about the swiss ball, I also read about Pilates. Now, this was something I thought was an exercise fad like yoga taebo. I had no idea the history that surrounded it. I didn't know that it was originally designed as physical therapy. This got me to thinking about my back and knee pain and maybe I should give it a try. So I went BACK to the library and got some books on Pilates. I was so interested I went to the library again TODAY (lol, it IS my favorite place) and got some DVDs: a couple Pilates, Billy Blanks Bootcamp, and West African Dance. My sands asked me yesterday what I was going to do when it snowed as far as my walking was concerned. At first I was like, oh I'll just go to the indoor track, which is my plan for inclement weather. Then I remembered the Brides' Bootcamp. The exercise plan is similar to any other that I've done, alternating between aerobic exercise and strength & flexibility. But she also said to alternate what KIND of aerobic exercise you do so that you don't get bored. I never get bored walking, so at first I ignored that. But when I thought about spending gas to go to the indoor track, I was like, hmmm, no. I can get exercise DVDs. If I like them enough after I try them out from the library, then I'll buy them. If not, I'll keep getting different ones from the library each week. I can do the DVDs as soon as I get home from work and not have to worry about waking up EVERY morning.

I'm excited. I feel good about myself. I haven't given up. I haven't settled. And you know what else?? I'M COMFORTABLE IN MY BODY!!!! Finally!!! I actually cleared out EVERYTHING larger than a 14 from my closet. Well, not totally true. I had a couple sundresses altered that I'm keeping and I also have two jean skirts that are a 16 - they're only a little too big. Everything else is moved out! I'm giving it all to my best friend. Some stuff she'll be able to fit now and some stuff she can keep as goal clothes. At first I was concerned because my wardrobe has now been halved (is that a word). But I would much rather re-wear and re-wear outfits than to wear too big clothes for the sake of having a bigger wardrobe. And I actually think I look nice. And it only took a month, LOL!

So I have to think of new goals. I'm already coming up with a plan. I'm planning my meals and my exercises. I'm going to practice Pilates and that Ball. I'm looking forward to trimming down by building muscle. And I'm REALLY looking forward to ridding myself of the back pain; I really have a feeling that this is going to help.

I feel good about myself. And I know that exercising these past couple of days is helping with that. I am visualizing my goal. I WILL get to my goal weight!!!!

Oh - TOPS... I'm broke right now and have to wait.

So that's all!!!

So long WW...

2006-07-11T11:04:00.000-05:00

Hellooooooooooo TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly)!! Ok, let me start at the beginning.

A few weeks ago in our WW meeting, the leader was reading Empowering Beliefs. One of them was that this is easier than most things we've done. I looked around and everyone nodded. I raised my hand and said for me it was just the opposite - it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I told her I felt like an alcoholic, but instead, food was my drug. I want y'all to know that NO ONE ELSE said anything. Everyone acted like this was easy as pie for them. Then someone said, "Well I think it's easy to follow the program." Yeah, but how easy was it to DECIDE to FOLLOW the program? It's easy to count points, but it's not easy to always stick to the plan. It was then that I realized I was sitting in a room full of people who didn't know what to do or say, simply looked toward the leader for guidance. That is NOT my idea of a support group. I felt like everyone in the room was a bunch of fakers. I mean, seriously, if it's so damn easy, WHY are you HERE??? You wouldn't even BE fat if it was so damn easy. Man, GTFOOHWDBS. That was the first time I left a WW meeting feeling a little empty.

The next day, I told my boss about it and told her how I felt like I was in the Stepford WW Club. I mentioned TOPS and she said her grandmother and aunt were members for years. I've been to the website (www.tops.org) and read all about it. Since it's a nonprofit, it's WAY cheaper than WW, only $24 per year. I decided to go to a meeting to see if I liked it.

I LOVED IT!!!! The women were SO nice. I'm definitely the youngest person there, lol, but that's not much different from WW. I was also the only Black woman. This little older lady (who I think will be my favorite) was telling me about the group (she has two daughters who come as well) and mentioned that there were a couple other African-American girls, too. I chuckled to myself, but I was glad she wanted to make me feel comfortable and welcome. The chapter has dues, also, only $2 per month. So I'm basically looking at $48 a year. And they have conferences and stuff. They have contests and stuff. Like they are having a summer contest where they are paired up and whichever team loses the most wins (I forget what). Then they have an Angel of the month which is whoever loses the most that month and then at the end of the year they have a Queen (or a king, but they're are only 2 men in the group). AND they bring low-fat snacks!!! Fruit, pretzels, rice cakes, coffee. It was the most bizarre experience, being at a weight-loss meeting eating snacks! And these women are losing! You get a diet and goal weight (or range, I guess) from a doctor (she said have him/her write it on a prescription pad). So everyone is doing something different, but they are SO supportive of each other. I got to meet a couple people who'd met their goals and are now KOPS (Keeping...). They tease each other and seem like a little family. When I left, they all said they hoped to see me back, and they will.

I look at it like this: I already have all the tools I need from WW. Why keep paying $12 a week when I'm not getting what I need? I went for 12 weeks, so that's $144. $144. And I'm 12lbs down. I paid $12 for every pound I lost. Was it worth it? Hmm, I think so, I mean, it is what it is. WW works, so I'm glad I got all the tools from the 12 weeks I went. But I'm not shellin' out any more money to them. I was gonna keep goin' until I got my 10% keychain, but damn all that. Next Monday, I'm paying my TOPS membership! :)

Oh yeah, I weighed in last night. I even had on a denim skirt (I didn't go home and change). Even in the heavy clothing, I've lost 1lb since Thursday!!!! YAY!!! I *might* go to WW tomorrow for the last time. Maybe. I probably won't, lol.

So that was my TOPS experience. What y'all think?

The damage

2006-07-07T09:51:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I weighed in and it wasn't as bad as I thought. I'm up 3.8. So I'm back at 206.2, where I was in week 7. That's cool, though. I'm still not giving up. I keep visualizing my goal. I still FEEL thinner. And I still fit my smaller clothes, so I'm not harping on the numbers. They'll go back down; as long as those inches don't go up! I'm just in a much better mood today. I'm looking forward to walking later. I have a new book on CD, Stephen King's The Colorado Kid. It sounds like it might be CSI-ish, so I'm hoping I like it. It doesn't sound like classic Stephen King, though. Neither was Cell; I took that back to the library after the first disc. I have been listening to Everything's Eventual at home. The first time I've ever listened to an audio book at home. Nice to fall asleep to, actually. WHY am I rambling on and on about audio books? The next one I'ma get is The Devil Wears Prada.

Have a good weekend, y'all! I know I will!! :)

Trying to stay UP

2006-07-06T11:15:00.000-05:00

Ok, I have so much to say. First things first, last week, I gained 2.4lbs. I stayed within my points, BUT I didn't exercise at all. That really put me in the ground, though. I wanted to binge SO badly and didn't and I STILL gained. No matter, right? WRONG!!! It has been downhill ever since! *sigh* I don't celebrate the 4th of July, so that wasn't it. I don't have any EXCUSES. I did what I did and then didn't go weigh in yesterday. Slept right thru it. I almost decided THE HELL WITH IT. But then I remembered, no matter WHAT, I can't quit. And I remembered that this isn't the first time this has happened. I can lose the weight. Only by saying TO HELL WITH IT will I gain EVERYTHING back and end up fatter and unhappy and even more unmotivated and even more lazy with even more contempt for exercise. So today, I'm back on plan. I guess. Lemme tell y'all what I ate over the last five days.

It all started with making sure I had easy foods to eat while I braided my hair. Friday night I went out and didn't braid ANY of my hair. Instead, I was at the bar and drank two vodka & cranberries. Then I also had 1/2 of a beer. I don't even drink beer. It was a long night. Driving home Saturday morning, I stopped at McDonald's and got a Steak, Egg, & Cheese bagel, hashbrown, and orange juice.

So I went to the grocery store on Saturday and spent $50. I got plenty of fruit and some microwave stuff:

Apples, peaches, nectarines, plums, watermelon, and bananas
Morningstar Buffalo nuggets
Morningstar Chik'n nuggets
Lean Cuisine Steak Panini
Lean Cuisine mushroom pizza

On Saturday night, I wanted some sancks. So I went to Kroger and got a bag of Baked Cheetos and a box of Chips Ahoy 100 Calorie Snack Packs. By Sunday, everything was gone, EXCEPT the fruit. Well, not totally true; I ate the watermelon. So I went to Kroger and got a box of Ginger Snaps and a pint of Butter Pecan Ice Cream. On Monday, still in binge mode, I go to the Chinese buffet. I didn't eat as much as I could've, but I did some damage. By Tuesday everything (except the fruit) was all gone. So I went to Papa John's and got a large chicken fajita pizza and an order of cheese sticks. I ate all of the cheese sticks and 6 slices of the pizza (pan crust) over two days. Somewhere in there, I also ate some cereal and some fruit.

Totally lost control. And now I have to go weigh-in today. I don't want to, but I HAVE to because NO MATTER WHAT, I CAN'T QUIT. After I weigh in, I'll come and post where I'm at.

Here's the thing. I think I self-sabotage or something. I mean, I was SO close to ONEderland. So close, and now look at me. But it's cool, I'm not totally discouraged. I got another book on CD from the library and I'm going to start using it tomorrow. My belly dancing class is tonight. I don't wanna go. I'm on my period and I'm crampy and I'm in a bad mood and I don't wanna go. But I'm gonna go ahead and go. Because last month I said NO MATTER WHAT, I'm going to exercise even while on my period. Normally, it puts me DOWN, but this month, I'm going to master it. It already made me totally overeat, I can't let it make me not exercise, too.

I've got to get back on track. I just felf fat and ugly this weekend. I don't know what happened. :( One day I'm all happy about my weight loss and the next day, I just feel fat. WTF? I was supposed to go to a party Sunday night. I got dressed, put on my make-up, cute shoes, everything. Instead of feeling cute, I felt fat and not attractive. So what did I do? Changed into sweats and a tshirt, and went and got Ginger Snaps and ice cream. Ate half of it that night and finished it off Monday morning.

So that's my binge. I feel shitty about the whole thing. But it is what it is, right?

Today is a whole new day. Whole new day...

Oh yeah

2006-06-20T13:17:00.000-05:00

The Crystal Phillips Book is called The Me I Knew I Could Be (One woman's journey from 292 pounds to peace, happiness, and healthy living).

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0312252269/sr=8-2/qid=1150827365/ref=pd_bbs_2/002-8757616-6852805?%5Fencoding=UTF8

GREAT book!!

I SAW MY COLLAR BONE TODAY!!!

2006-06-20T13:10:00.000-05:00

Ok, so on Friday me and my coworkers all went bowling and we took lots of pictures. Well, my boss showed us the pics today and guess what?! I CAN SEE MY COLLAR BONE!!! I was SO excited!!! I hadn't even noticed that I normally couldn't see it until I actually SAW it! I have nothing else to say. I'm just super excited about ALL of this!!!!

THANK YOU WW!!!

It's a great day!!!

2006-06-16T10:02:00.000-05:00

Ok, so even after yesterday's blog, I had some issues this morning. Oh, I have so much to say, lol. Bookmark the Crystal Phillips book. Ok, so this morning. I was getting dressed and put on my denim shorts. My OLD denim shorts. They're a size 20. I tried to talk myself into wearing them. But they were hanging off of me and I could see my underwear. It's too hot to wear jeans. So I had to put on my new shorts. They're a size 16 (much to my dismay, but I guess some stuff is cut differently), but they fit really well. After I put them on, I wanted to put on a big tshirt that would hang off of me, too. I literally had to talk to myself, aloud, to make sure I put on something flattering to my new figure. So I put on a new tank top. I look cute, but it took a lot to get out of the door this morning. But I did it. And . . .

I've gotten compliments all day and it's barely 11:30AM!! :-D The first came as I was dropping off clothes and books at the thrift store. One of the guys that unloaded my car tried to hit on me! I wasn't interested, but it made me feel good and not uncomfortable! Then when I got to work one of my coworkers told me that she noticed I'd lost weight and that I looked nice in my summer clothes! I'm so glad I decided to step outside of my comfort zone and wear them! She said she'd been noticing but wasn't sure how to compliment me on it. And here it was I thought no one was noticing. But then again, how could they when I was hiding it in my clothes?!

I'm ecstatic!!! :-D I can't stop looking at my chair now that I can see the sides! THIS IS A GREAT FEELING!!! I'm sticking to something I started and I'm seeing progress!!! I'M PROUD OF MYSELF!!!

Time for another reward!!!

:-D

What I need to work on

2006-06-15T15:26:00.000-05:00

Ok, so now it's time to get grounded. Yeah, three posts in one day. Only slightly obsessed.

Ok, I'm not eating well, I'm eating empty nutrients. I need to eat more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. So what I'm going to try to do this week is eat only Core foods. I'm still going to use my points, because I'm sure I'd misjudge portion sizes. But someone said in the Serious WW group that it would be a good way to make sure that I'm not just staying in my points, but that I'm eating the RIGHT foods. Well, she wasn't talking to me, but her advice applies to me all the same. So that's the plan. We'll see how it goes.

I need to add in resistance exercises (weight training). I've been doing a little bit, but not consistently and not enough. So I need to work on adding that and to start, I'm going to shoot for twice a week.

I need to consistently do my ab exercises. Especially my obliques. I can't complain about a fat belly and fat rolls if I don't put muscle in that area instead.

I need to drink more water. Period.

I need to walk more. Right now, I'm only walking 2-3 days a week for an hour each time. I need to get up to 4-5 times a week, then 6 times a week.

Ok, so if I keep doing what I've been doing and work on these things, too, I should see some better results. We'll see.

I can SEE the changes!

2006-06-15T15:20:00.000-05:00

Ok, I need to document the changes that I'm noticing.

I can see my waist. I mean, there is a clear indentation around my midsection. I HAVE A WAIST!!!!
I have no problem touching my toes.
When I sit in my office chair, with my knees together, I can see some of the chair!!!
I can cross my legs at the knees with no effort. I don't have to lift or pull or push, just cross. :)
Mobility during intimate acts is much better! I can be lifted and moved!!!

I'm so excited!!! It really is the little things. I can't stop smiling. And this actually makes me WANT to exercise. Who knew I'd ever get to this point? I definitely didn't, but I'm SO glad I'm here!

Insecurities??? Who left the gate open???

2006-06-15T13:58:00.000-05:00

Ok, I need to talk about this and get it out of my system. I am not working hard to lose this weight only to hide my progress. So lemme just put some stuff out there.

I am 32 years old. I am a size 14. The last time I was a size 14 I was 18 years old. I think I'm pretty. I think I'm sexy, too. I LOVE to get compliments and I LOVE to take pictures! This sounds like the making of someone who'd be overjoyed with her new size and ability to fit into new clothes. Well, I am, when I'm in the comfort of my own apartment. I LOVE to try on the clothes I got at the thrift store. I love marveling how they simply fit. But the thought of wearing them out of the house terrifies me. I did it this week, though. I wore my capris the other day, mostly because I need to do laundry. But I realized that I did feel comfortable and I got compliments, so I must not have been looking crazy.

That's the first insecurity: do I really look good in this size or am I delusional because I want so badly to look good in this size? Now, the reason I know it's an insecurity is because I HAVE a mirror. I know I look fine in this stuff. But still, I obsess about it. Especially the miniskirt. Now, I have a size 16 miniskirt that I have no problem wearing. I've never had a problem wearing short skirts because even fat, I have nice legs! So WHY am I nervous about this new size 14 miniskirt???

You know what I think? I think it's because I feel like I'll attract more attention since I'm smaller. And more attention makes me nervous. It makes absolutely no sense. I'm single. I WANT to attract the attention of men. I need my ego stroked just like anyone else. Yet and still, this is kinda unchartered territory for me.

I'm stuck in some sick middle. I've lost 46lbs from my largest weight (247). I still have 46lbs to go until I'm at a healthy weight (155). So I am LITERALLY in the middle. Yes, I've lost a considerable amount of weight. BUT, I still have considerably more to lose. I guess it's hard for me to totally embrace the weight-loss because I'm still constantly thinking about how much more I have to lose. And not in an overwhelming sense, just a reminding sense.

So I guess that makes me second-guess how I look. It's such a conundrum for me. On the one hand, I feel like I look GREAT compared to how I used to look. And I'm EXCITED about how much I've lost and the changes I see (which I'll point out in the next post). However, I don't think I look great without doing a comparison. If I just look at myself, and forget what I USED to look like, I'm not at all happy with what I see. So it's hard for me to reconcile these two. Love the loss, but clearly cognizant that I have just as much to go as I've already lost.

So this weekend, I'm donning the miniskirt! I don't know where I'm going, but it'll be in that skirt!!! I'm gonna get outta this habit of trying to hide my body. I've been wearing loose fitting clothes for so long, I'm tired of hiding!!! Each time I find myself trying to hide the new me, I'm going to force myself to reveal her! And I can always remember, this new me is only temporary, but for now, I LOVE HER!!!!!

YAY!!! YAY!!! YAY!!!

2006-06-14T20:38:00.001-05:00

So tonight was WI night and I lost 7.2lbs!!!!!!! Ok, when my leader asked what I did, I wasn't completely truthful. Yes, I walked this week. Yes, I stayed within my points. No, I did NOT wear jeans this week. But the truth is there were some days I didn't eat all of my points. Not on purpose (I only skip meals when I'm broke), but because I was doing a lot of running around and didn't take food with me. Instead of eating something that I don't know the point value, I'd rather just not eat until the next day. Also, I was on my period last week, so I'm sure I was retaining a lot of water.

WHATEVER the reason, I'm happy as HAYLE with the loss!!!!!!! My weight is now 201lbs!!!! I'm only 1.1lb away from ONEderland!! I'm SO excited!!! I can't WAIT until my weight doesn't start with the number 2! Can.not.wait!!! I'm at a total loss of 17.2lbs!!! I was so happy to get my third 5pt gold star! WW is just damn awesome!!! It works!

I found a new park to walk at! It's close to home and it has some hills so it gives me a good workout. I'm almost done with another book; I only have two cd's left, so that means two days. Then I'll start The Cell by Stephen King.

I'm just so happy I don't know what to do!!! I can't celebrate like I want to because this check all goes to bills. But still, I'm so proud of me!!!!!!! I'm proud of me for sticking to this!!! I'm proud that I haven't given up! I'm getting used to my new body! I'm getting more comfortable with the compliments that I get! This week, I wore my new capris and was comfortable in them!!! I didn't feel self-conscious at all!!! I am comfortably, completely and totally, in a size 14. Now, my 14Longs from the GAP still don't fit the way I want them to. Maybe in four more weeks, we'll see. But everything else from the thrift store fits fine! I guess stuff didn't fit the week I bought it because that was the week before my period. I've learned that I must carry the most water and be the most bloated that week. I also noticed that that is the week that I binge the most. So this coming month, I'm going to make sure that I have meals planned for the week before my period and the week of. I'm also going to force myself to walk even on those days. My period usually puts me DOWN, but I'm determined not to let the cramps and discomfort keep me from my daily activity.

I guess that's all I need to say. The truth is I could go on for days about my excitement. Maybe I'll blog more tomorrow!

Was 247, Now 201 and I won't stop, I can't stop!!!!!!!

Whew...

2006-06-08T10:28:00.000-05:00

It's still a Zero. I did gain 2lbs, though. I honestly don't feel so bad about it. And I'm not sure why. My clothes still feel looser. I still FEEL thinner. And I STILL have no desire to go back to where I was. So I know I'm not giving up, and maybe that's why I don't feel so bad. I had a bad week, but that's in the past, so I'm not going to dwell on it. I'm going to continue to focus on staying on plan and continuing to exercise.

Tonight I'm going to look thru my journal and figure out when I binge the most. I'm thinking it's the week before my period, but I'm going to check and see. I also don't like exercising when I'm on my period. I have to get out of that, but I don't even want to MOVE let alone exercise. I've got to get better on that front.

I wore jeans to my WI last night cuz I didn't stop at home. Normally I wear sweats or something like that. I guess jeans are pretty heavy because ALL three of the receptionists (including my leader) commented on the fact that I was wearing jeans. So from now on, I'm going to wear the same thing each week. Maybe a lot of my gain was because I'm bloated as all get out and I had on jeans. Oh, and the fact that I didn't stay on plan last week? Keep it real, Monique. At any rate, I hope the scale goes back down next week.

Emailed a lady about racewalking. Hopefully I'll hear from her soon. I've never been a competitive athelete, and I don't know that I want to compete. I probably won't, but I DO want to use it to intensify my workouts. We'll see.

It's so weird. I am feeling gross and fat and bloated, BUT I still felt thinner this morning. So I decided to try on my goal-jeans that I got at the thrift store last week. Maybe I'm much more bloated the week before my period than when I'm actually on. I dunno. The fact that I've just now started paying attention to this is tripped out. So much so I'm not even gon' focus on it. Anyway, I tried on the jeans, and they fit better than they did last week. I am convinced: periods are evil. I'm not going to have to wait until fall to wear those jeans. My goal? July 12th. That is a little more than a month from now. The jeans are from the GAP, a size 14 tall. And it trips me out that 14s at other stores are smaller than 14s at LB or AS. WTF is that about? You get all excited that you can fit a 14, you go to Lerners to try on 14s over there, and they don't fit. Only to have a sales rep say, "You do know we carry 16s?" If I wanted to wear a 16, I'd go back to Lane Bryant, thank you very much. Ugh. It made me remember why I didn't shop at the GAP when I COULD fit their clothes. They are not made for my body. I don't know if they'll ever fit quite right, but I know that by next month, I'ma be sportin' them jeans! I know that! :)

I cannot believe that I gained TWO pounds and I'm still on some diet high.

Weird-O.

Weigh-In Night

2006-06-07T13:09:00.001-05:00

And I am not looking forward to it. I've gone over my points EVERY day this week. Each and every single one. I have only walked three times (twice in one day). I didn't get up this morning to walk. Too tired. Crampy, just all around irritable. Which is MORE the reason I shoulda got my ass up and went walkin'. Now it's raining. I am SO sick of rain. So I guess after my meeting tonight, I'll go to the rec and walk on the indoor track. Which I hate. Time flies faster when I walk outside. Goin' around that track just draaaaaaags out the time. BUT, I might be able to work on my speed there since there are no hills. I wanted to do this entry to make myself feel good in case I gained this week. So let's see...

I have not given up. I still walk. I still keep my food journals. I actually cooked more than once this week. I bought a juicer and have made two delicious juices this week. I am researching racewalking and leaning toward taking it up. I'm still GOING to the meeting. Broke, but still going to the meeting. I'm on my period, so I'm bloated and probably retaining plenty of water because it's not like I've drank any.

Ok, no more excuses. Look tomorrow for a report of how much I've gained. I just hope my second number is still a Zero.

More motivation: Racewalking

2006-06-06T15:49:00.000-05:00

So I get up again this morning (and before the alarm went off, go me!!) and as soon as I turn the corner out of my complex, the batteries in my discman go out! Argh! So I did my whole walk just thinking, mostly about health and weight loss. I'm reading this book by Courtney Rubin called The Weight Loss Diaries. I'm almost done and it's a really good book! I can relate to SO much of what she says. Anyway, she trains for and runs a marathon. I would love to do something like that. I don't want to run a marathon, though. I don't like to run, never have. But I want to have a goal to all this walking besides just losing weight. Something to work towards. I was thinking this morning how to stay motivated through this because it is hard work. And I was also thinking of how to keep my pace/speed. And also at what point should I increase my pace? Should I keep pace or try to when I'm going up hills (these hills ain't no joke)? So many questions. My answer to myself this morning? "You're doin' good to be out here walkin', so stick to this for now." Which is fine and everything, but I'm not gonna get carried away! I have to walk six days a week regardless, so I might as well train for something. It will make my aerobic work-out better and I bet I'll stay more focused. So I'm going to look into Race Walking. If I'm not mistaken, one of the rec centers that I go to has a RW class so I'm gonna look into that. I hope it's free.

One of my reasons for this journey is that I want to accomplish something. I am setting a goal and I plan to reach it, no matter what. I'm going to work as hard as I can to attain my goal. It's been so long since I've done something like this for ME. I work hard for other people all the time. It's time I worked hard for ME. So this week is going to be all about juicing and walking. I'm still reading the juicing books. I'll have to see if I can find any on race walking. Lemme take a looksie at the library. :)

Perseverance

2006-06-05T09:26:00.001-05:00

I woke up today and went walking. Yesterday, I felt horrible about not having exercised for a week. I've never actually felt bad before. I felt bad yesterday. So I got up today and did something about it.

I had a bad weekend food-wise, but it was a learning experience. I learned that I am not ready to have sweet treats in the house. Lemme tell y'all what happened. Last week I decided that it was time to learn moderation. I bought a box of Nabisco Ginger Snaps (3pts for 4 cookies) and some Breyer's Light Ice Cream Sandwiches (Skinny Cows are better). I bought this stuff on Wednesday. The Ginger Snaps were gone on Saturday, I think. The ice cream sandwiches are gone, too. I have consistently eaten over my points every day this week (my WW week runs Thur-Wed). I was out of WAP by Friday. So needless to say, I was disgusted with myself.

I kept thinking at what point one gives up on the whole eating healthy thing. I was a little resentful yesterday. I wish I could eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. And that's what I thought about all day yesterday as I snacked away mindlessly. Well, not really mindlessly, I thought about everything I put into my mouth. And I thought about how it was going to affect my weigh-in this week. But I was resentful, so I just kept eating. And then I started thinking about at what point in my diet I normally quit. I mean, in the past, at what point do I just start eating and not exercising and just not giving a damn? I didn't know and I knew it wasn't yesterday. Hell, I'm obsessed. I sat in bed yesterday and read. I went to the library and got plenty of books on juicing. I also got health and nutrition books, like food nutrition. I wanted to know which vegetables had which nutrients. That way, I'll know what to juice. I thought of all the vegetables I'd be buying that I didn't even eat. It excited me. I kept thinking of what meals I would be preparing this week and how many points they'd be. Thought about walking some more and when I was going to add weight training. Figured I should make an Excel spreadsheet to help me plan meals and exercise routines. Thought about my goal-clothes and when I'd be able to get in them.

My point? I couldn't be giving up (even though I was snacking out of control) because my mind was still on my goal. I think I am learning that it's not all or nothing. Just because I have a bad day or even a bad week does not mean that I just give up entirely. This is the first time I can actually see myself seeing this entire journey thru til the end. I don't want to get complacent. I want to be fit and healthy. I will NOT give up!!! I will keep walking. And I will not waste my time walking buy eating a whole bunch of stuff I don't need. I'm still learning. And I'm still creating habits. Right now, the habit I most need to enforce is to dust myself off and try again.

My Rewards

2006-06-03T18:20:00.000-05:00

Well, I went thrifting yesterday!!! I probably spent way too much money, but I'm not going to focus on that. I'm going to focus on the fact that I got some clothes that fit AND . . . are you ready . . . A JUICER!!!!! For only FIVE DOLLARS!!!! How excited was I? And it works, I used it today! I can't believe I was looking to put stuff in layaway and all that and here I find a juicer that works just fine for now (it's hell to clean) for only 5 bucks. Can't beat it. AND I got an espresso/cappucino maker! For EIGHT DOLLARS! How cool?! Two day's worth of Caramel Macchiatos and I can make my own for as long as it works. I haven't tried it out yet, but I'm sure it works. I'm TOO excited!!!

So I'm all over the internet now looking at juicing recipes and stuff. I have heard over the years how people who juice are SO healthy. Well, I'm about to be one of those people. I will be getting ALL of my fruits and veggies each day, because I'm going to juice some of them! Today I juiced carrots (which I don't eat), an orange, and some pineapple. Delish! Tonight I'm going to try something with spinach, tomatoes, and watermelon! I'll get all the vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants I need!!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!

MILESTONE!!!!!

2006-06-01T07:55:00.000-05:00

WOOWHOOOOOOO!!!!!

I was a little concerned about my weigh-in yesterday. I ate (kinda) a lot on the holiday, but then I got sick (stomach virus that I'm blaming on my cousin). So I figured I'd probably neither gain nor lose. WRONG! I lost 3.4lbs!!!!! I am DETERMINED not to gain back ANY of it! My leader thinks the scale will tell the truth next week. We'll see, shall we? At any rate, I'm at a total loss of 12lbs since starting WW and 41lbs overall!!! You know what's AWESOME?! I KNOW I'm not going back!!!! I'm just gonna get smaller and smaller and then more and more toned. My second number is STILL a Zero (yeah, I'ma keep capitalizing it, what?!): 206.2!!!!! I am a mere 6.3lbs from ONEderland and 10lbs from my 10% goal! I'm so excited!!!

I was trying to figure out how to reward myself for my milestone. I was happy as all get out to be able to add a gold star to my 5lb bookmark! :) The first reward I thought of was a Chipotle burrito (cut in thirds). But I had to change my mind. NO MORE FOOD AS A REWARD!!! If I'm making lifestlye changes, that needs to be the first one. Come on now, in my life, food has ALWAYS equaled celebration. Not anymore. Y'all, I made a list of rewards, and I can't find it. But they were all big things (that's gonna be my next blog topic, rewards). I needed something little. So I took a cue from Nicole (http://nicoleww.blogspot.com/) and decided to get things for my kitchen. I went to Target to price stuff. They have a blender on sale for $18 that I'm gonna get. The truth is, I don't really blend anything, but that doesn't mean I won't ever. Maybe I don't blend anything because I don't have a blender. I also priced juicers. That's what I REALLY want. That way, I can juice my fruits and veggies to make sure I get enough. The thing is, Target doesn't have layaway, and I can't afford my reward right now. I refuse to go to Walmart (The Devil), so I'ma hafta figure something out. I'ma look online for the Magic Bullet, too. That was a decent little infomercial (I'm addicted to infomercials). And it juices, too. I could make all kinds of healthy stuff with that. We'll see. I need a LAYAWAY!!! I KNOW!!! I can go across the river; I think there's a K-Mart over there and I KNOW they have layaway! That's my plan.

Have a great week! Exercise!!! I have my Belly Dancing class tonight and I'm going to start Salsa lessons on Monday.

Speaking of Monday, I might also look into TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly). It's similar to WW, but it's a nonprofit, so it's only $24 per YEAR. I would probably still use what I learn from WW, but weigh in with TOPS instead. I dunno. It would definitely save me money, but I *like* WW. I also like saving money. I'll keep y'all posted.

Went to the library and got some more weight loss-related books. I'll tell y'all about those, too. :)

Until next time...

Monique
218.2/206.2/155

(I hate that; I want to put 247 as my starting weight, but that was over a year ago, so I guess it's not fair. But I want y'all to know I was 247 at my largest!!! NEVER AGAIN!!!!!)

5th WI

2006-05-25T11:42:00.000-05:00

Well, I didn't lost 2.2lbs. I didn't even lose ONE pound. I lost .8lb. I was a little disappointed. I tied my shoes, feeling bad that I was taking too long when there were people waiting to be weighed in. I straightened up, she gave me back my little booklet, and I looked at my weight.

I couldn't suppress the giggle that escaped my mouth. My normally inner thoughts came out, too. "My second number is a ZERO!" I laughed outloud!!! That's right, I am 209.6!!!!!!! Two-OH-nine. I haven't been two-OH-anything in forever. And in just a little while, my weight will start with the number ONE. I CAN'T WAIT!!!! This is the best motivation EVER!!!!

In the meeting when it was time to celebrate, I didn't raise my hand. The lady next to me, a lifetime member, nudged me and said, "You better raise your hand and celebrate!!" She told me that those little losses add up and to not be discouraged! I LOVE WW MEETINGS!!! She told me exactly what I needed to hear!

Sometimes, I get a little annoyed at the "smaller" people in the meetings. But what I need to remind myself about is that those people could've started out just like me, and are just "smaller" now. Like the lady next to me. I thought she was only coming to support her father (who lost 10lbs his first week!), but turns out she is a lifetime member! And I got to sit next to her and gather a little bit of wisdom and support. That's what WW is all about.

Yesterday was a really good meeting. Our leader encouraged us to PLAN for the holiday weekend. I'm going home to Cleveland and my sister is cooking. I have already told her what I won't be eating. She was so supportive!!! I told her that I'll be eating chicken breasts (no skin), off the grill. And veggies. She said she's gonna have fish, too, so I'll eat that! Some chicken, some corn, some fish, some broccoli, and A LITTLE BIT of macaroni and cheese. THAT'S what I'm planning for. That and the alcohol. *sigh* The good thing? My sister lives within walking distance of Woodhill Park so I can still get my activity in. My sister said she's gained a little weight in her stomach, so I told her we could do some ab exercises together. I can't wait to see my family! I miss them! But even STILL, I am trying to have a LOSING week. So I have to save ALL my WAP and I have to exercise DAILY. I'm also gonna take some fresh lettuce home with me so that I can make some salad, too. Oh, and fruit. I'll have to make sure my sister has some watermelon. yeah. :)

I can do this!!

4th Weigh-In

2006-05-22T14:21:00.000-05:00

Well, my 4th week wasn't so great, eating-wise. I binged on some fried chicken, so that used up all of my weekly allowance points. Then there were two days I didn't eat all of my points; I had 15pts left one day. Which I guess worked out fine because I went to a chinese buffet (that I tried to plan for, but how do you plan when you're already out of WAP) and ate 15pts over my Daily Points Target. I said all that to say, I had no idea what the scale would say at my WI.

Well, I LOST 4.6LBS!!!!! That's a total loss of 7.8lbs!!! Since it had been 4 weeks, I checked my measurements and I've also lost 3.5 inches!!! One month, changed some eating habits, added a little activity to my day, and look!!! This was with minimal effort! Just think of what my progress will be like once all of this becomes habit, second nature. I am expecting a huge transformation!!! I just have to stay motivated.

Now, in all fairness, let's talk about this 4.6lb loss in one week. This is NOT typical. In the three times I've been on WW, the most I've lost in a week is 3.2lbs. So lemme tell y'all what I think happened. The week before, I only lost 1.4lbs. But I'd eaten better AND exercised more. I was SO disappointed in the loss, but didn't get down about it cuz any loss is a loss. But I definitely wondered what went wrong. Then it dawned on me: Aunt Flo. Aunt Flo was in town and you know she brings a lot of baggage with her, usually in the form of water retention and bloating. I think that if she weren't in town, I would've lost even more that week before, and since I didn't, it came off with last week's weight. So don't think it's something I did; it was simply nature.

I am hoping for a 2.2lb loss this week so that I will have lost 10lbs total! :-D Wish me luck!!!